I just want to say thank you to all who have posted in this thread. I want to add something to my story/ explain something that I failed to mention before. My husband chooses to get off by himself, over having sex with me more than 1/2 of the time, so it seems. I will try 2 initiate sex, flirt, kiss his neck and face & offer to "please him" time and time again, and yet he constantly denies me, using the same excuse "I have to come to you, you can't be the agressive one/ the one in control or it turns me off". He even tries to guilt trip me into feeling bad or like a crazed sex feen when I get flirty and frisky, saying things like "I was in the mood but you just ruined it, give it a few days", or something along those lines. So I give it a few days, which then leads to a week, or 2 & still I get no response other than rejection & the part that bothers me is that he admits to "beating off" & gets his rocks off by himself (he usually "beats off" If I am upstairs and off taking care of our home or tending to our son, cooking dinner or even showering, he will rush to it but he will "get his rocks off" quickly & I'm guessing that he is hoping that I am unaware of what he is doing when I step out of the room for a few minutes (I know what he does when I walk away though, come on I am not dumb) KNOWING that I am "in the mood" or waiting/wanting to be sexual with him. Am I crazy for being a little upset or for feeling a bit insecure about our sex life together? He use to look at me & tell me how beautiful I was, how lucky he felt to have me... and now I feel that I have to compete with 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 random strange women on the internet as well as his friend Rosey Palm & her 5 sisters!
If he is into porn just to look, that wouldn't really bother me all that much. If he was into it just to get a quick fix/rush/orgasm, ect.. that is fine too, I mean he is a man & human, & we all need a release, I can deal with that. If he was looking at porn as a method of education, to maybe help spice things up in our bedroom, that would be way hot & it would totally turn me on I'm sure! But that isn't what I am seeing is happening here.
He looks at these flawless women & then I hear things like "you're hot too, but you're body isn't like her's, she has this physical trait that really turns me on, & you don't have that trait, but I still love you".
I guess it is just really hurting my self -esteem. He knows how I feel about my body & my "flaws", & yet the women who he is turned on by in these videos DO NOT have these flaws, as a matter of fact they are so perfect where I feel that I am so flawed, & not only does it make me jealous because I would kill to have such a flawless body, and an ass that is bubbly & perky & bouncy, curves that mezmerise & hypnotise the eyes of any man who looks at them (lol, now that is poetry), not to mention huge perky breasts that all of the women in the videos seem to have (real or not, they're all so very big & perfect & sexy & I hate them :-P :-) :-P :-/ )!
Admiting that I am feeling defeated by my husband's fantasies: I am beginning to feel so bad about myself that I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore, let alone do I dare feel comfortable enough with myself or with my body to be naked or reveal anything other than my face, my arms & hands, & maybe my feet (with socks) to anyone/ thing other than the inside of my clothes. That really bothers me! I feel washed up, used & thrown away or tossed aside. 8 years is a long time to be with someone & maybe I just need to accept the fact that he is no longer interested in me & get over it. Or maybe I should just stfu and quit whining & get into looking at porn myself, buy a few toys or a sex machine & call it a day. I don't know!
(I'm not one to be vindictive to anyone so forgive me if this sounds like I am thinking about getting back at him or giving him a taste of his own medicine... maybe I am, but not for the sake of getting even or to hurt him in any way).
What if I turned the tables? Just for the sake of getting through to him how I am feeling when he chooses to "beat off" & watch porn to get off vs sharing those things/ moments with me or even considering how I feel?
What if I made it clear to him that I enjoy looking at sexy naked men, who just so happen to resemble him just as much as I resemble the women he looks at? What if I stated to him that they just turn me on, & get me in the mood for non -existant sex that I plan on having with my husband (but in all fairness, don't have any intentions of doing so) in a few days, but only after the images of these sexy flawless gorgeous naked men are branded into my brain so much that I can work myself up to the actual event of us getting it on (luck for my husband, I do not play games, nor do I use sex to control our relationship in any way). I am beginning to think that this is a matter of control (he is a bit controlling).
Understand this: I don't want to upset him, or hurt him in any way, but I really think that he needs to understand how he is contributing to my low self -esteem, & I feel that it is detrimental to our relationship & to our sex life (to be more specific) to ignore these lingering issues. My husband tends to be quite hypocritical at times, he can feel jealous but if I portray to him that I feel that in any way, he becomes quite critical & disregards his own actions by turning it around on me or by making me feel that I am losing my mind/ going crazy and "just being insecure" (which of course, he makes very clear to me that "insecurities are a HUGE turnoff" to him).
To my readers: I apologise for my ranting, I do hope that you understand my frusterations regarding the issues stated in this thread. I am just so unsure of what to do, or what is "ok" to feel or think about any of this at the moment.
Thanks again for your comments & your contribution to this thread, I do appreciate all of you for sharing with me your own thoughts as well as your experiences on these subjects.