My weight has been on my mind. Each week the burden to try and lose weight gets heavier because I continue to get heavier. I decided that I’d start on a project to get down to 200 pounds. I call it “The Allen Parson’s Project” – just a little 80s humor. I call it “Project 200”. When I say that my weight has been on my mind, I mean that I have been depressed about it.
I fear dying young and leaving Andrew. My dad had his first heart attack when I was 12 years old and his second when I was 17. I was in the 7th grade for the first and it was on Christmas Day. For the second, I was in the 12th grade and looking forward to graduation. I remember how I felt and how terrified I was. I don’t want Andrew to go through those feelings of fear, loss, and loneliness that I experienced.
My dad died when I was 29 years old. While I am not happy that he died, I am glad that he died when I was an adult and better able to process what was going on. Also, I feel that it is my job to teach Andrew how to be a man. I can’t go until that task is done. These thoughts weigh heavily on my mind.
As if to underscore this, on Monday morning I came into work and read my email. A person Jen and I know from church died of a heart attack on Halloween night. It came as a shock to everyone since he was only 62 (the same age my dad died) and was a very energetic, active and alive person. He was always smiling and laughing. His death hit me pretty hard and made me want to focus on weight loss even more.
I’ve been getting on the scale each morning and have started to log my food and workouts. All this data I am entering into My Fitness Pal and Fitbit. Since Sunday, I’ve gained a pound. As of right now, I am not too upset because I know it takes a couple of days for the body to kick into gear. I’m hoping that by Thursday, I will have lost at least a pound. My goal is to lose two pounds a week. For the last two days I have been careful about how many calories I eat.
Another incentive is that in a month I have to go back to the endocrinologist. Last time, I had gained 12 pounds. Next visit, I want to show him that I have lost some of that and am working towards losing all of it. Yesterday morning I tried on three pair of pants until I found one that fit me. That kind of thing just infuriates me because I know that all this is within my control. I just need to start taking control and losing the weight.