Black holes are where God divided by zero.

10/23/2009

I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say.

I have been crying for the majority of the day since 6:45 this morning. My eyes are dry and burning. My eyelids are puffy and red. I feel like dog shit. Chris and I have been having so many problems. What are the problems? I can't decide if it's everything or nothing. Really, it's the result of us being two different people who are both under a great deal of stress and comfortable enough to take it out on each other.

Last night, we were discussing our issues and (for the majority of the time) it was productive. Towards the end I got angry and hurt, as did he. I couldn't get myself to shut up. I kept running off at the mouth, digging deeper and deeper. I actually spun him out...right into an anxiety attack. As soon as he was in the grips of it, I snapped back to reality. I layed down next to him and rubbed his back and talked to him until he was calm and breathing normally. Then, we talked calmly, we made up, and we fell asleep together.

Then we woke up, and the car had been towed. Fucking California and they're desperate desire to rape the residents for all we're worth. We need $570.00 to get the car back today by 5:00 pm. That wont happen. Unfortunately, we don't have time to save the money b/c they tac on an additional $70 for each day it sits there. We are fucked. Fucked, fucked fucked.

Thankfully, Chris' dad was able to pick him up and get him to his job today. Tomorrow, I will most likely walk about 5 miles round-trip to/from work. We can't afford for either of us to lose our jobs over this. We are barely getting by. We hardly have food to eat. We barely made rent this month. BARELY. Times are tough.

Not, the real issue (as if the car problem isn't bad enough)...
Chris called me from the job site a little while ago. He thinks I should go home to Missouri...without him. How am I supposed to take that? I don't know. He says he's not breaking up with me. He kept stressing the fact that he loves me and he know that I love him. He thinks it's too hard right now. He thinks I need the support of my family and friends. He thinks our timing for the move was off. It's too hard on him to watch me to through hell to be with him. Sigh. I do want to go home. But, not without Chris. I want him to come with me, but he wont. I know he wont. He wont leave b/c of the kids. I wish we could bring Mary and the kids with us.

How will I get home, anyway? My car is on lockdown. No money to get it out. No money to fix it. It's not 2,000 mile trip-ready. No gas money. No hotel money. No food money.

I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry. Maybe I can sleep. I feel exhausted.