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Non iam
by wugs

previous entry: Omegle

next entry: Pronunciations ahoy!

Perhaps my head is inflated



In fact, that just has to be it. Because there isn't a chance in hell that two girls would be attracted to a below-average gay guy. So maybe it is just one. Poor, unfortunate soul.

So the girl I wrote about before, Jessi, might not be into me after all. Her timing, though hilarious, might have just been bad and led to me making a quick and inaccurate conclusion. When she left abruptly, she explained, it was because she had to leave at that moment. Why she couldn't explain is a mystery, but she said she had went to Walmart to buy a mic for Skype, which added up. She wasn't offline long, and she DID get a mic. Well, if not, then good for her.

The other though, hmm. This Kelley girl. I know her from church. Oh yeah, I'm back at church now. That's another fucking story, and I'll get to that in a bit. Anyway, from about Day One of me being a "troubled Christian" (in actuality, an atheist, but no one seems to agree with me) she has been pestering me non-fucking-stop. I thought she was just a ~concerned Christian~ but no, she seems to want more. She texts my sister on her iPod with messages like, "hi michelle, hows chris?" WHAT. THE. FUCK. She calls me very often and always starts off about how I haven't called her, blah, blah, blah. I make sure to not actually promise to call her so I'm not lying. I'm a bitch, yeah. I know. She just flat-out likes me. And she's a total ass about it! I don't even feel sorry for her about me being gay like I did Jessi. Isn't rejection just pouring out of me and covering her? I mean, seriously. If you aren't catching that I'm gay, then at least catch on that even if I was straight there would still be no interest.

I'm being mean. Then again, isn't that me? Har. Har. Har.

Also, I called my mom a homophobe today. Hahaha. I can't remember the conversation, but I cited some key cases where she generally goes "Ew!" when anything homosexual occurs. Oh! I remember. We were talking about music when she brought up (for the millionth time) how much she hates Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl". So yeah, she fumed. "Am not! I lived with a bisexual at one point!" Oho. You got me beat. The part today where I was laughing is on one radio station today (on our way to church, no less! ) the guys on the talk show were discussing who they'd do if they were gay. Hilarious! It started because one guy said, "I don't care who you are, you have to see that Brad Pitt is a beautiful man." So they went on about George Clooney and so on. Mom was so uncomfortable! Hilarious and tragic.

So yeah, about church. In the end I was literally forced to attend church. I had a talk with a pastor after school ended, about five hours. I didn't get shit out of the whole meeting besides a movie (The Gods Aren't Angry), some cosmological and ontological arguments for God, and a book I've yet to read (The Case for Easter). The movie was funny because in my personal opinion it supported atheism. Basically the guy starts off with a cavewoman. This woman noticed some shit, guessed it was a higher being, and poof, humans (or Homo erectus or whatever cavepeople were) created God. He talked about this religion growing and developing, becoming more logical. Now, the next logical step is: atheism! From the sounds of the movie, at least. I was literally laughing. Until he did the pastor thing and used a bunch of sad stories to make you cry.

The book, no clue. Haven't read, though I have a good excuse. I still have a shitload for school. One book being Les Misérables! Good luck, eh?

The cosmological and ontological proofs are interesting, but generally fall short. The ontological is worse, so I'll start with that.

Anselm's argument:
(Necessary means it must exist, contingent may exist but don't have to)
1. God is something of which nothing greater can be thought.
2. God may exist in the understanding.
3. It is greater to exist in reality and in the understanding than just in understanding.
4. Therefore, God exists in reality.
Anselm's second argument:
1. God is the entity of which nothing greater can be thought.
2. It is greater to be necessary than not.
3. God must therefore be necessary.
4. Hence, God exists necessarily.

Basically, since God is the best thing you can possibly image and has a requirement of being better than you can image (or nothing better could exist), he exists. This is very weak, in my opinion.

Here is the only slightly better cosmological argument:
1. Every finite and contingent being has a cause.
2. Nothing finite and contingent can cause itself.
3. A causal chain cannot be of infinite length.
4. Therefore, a First Cause (or something that is not an effect) must exist.

For the conclusion to be true, all of the leading statements must be accepted as true, and if one doesn't currently believe in any higher power exists, they will likely disagree with #3. The Big Bang/Big Crunch theory has support in physics (gravity), and would be of infinite length, or a length that would be immeasurable, at least. It could also be described as causing itself (since the Crunch of one universe would lead to the Bang of another), #2 might also be debated.

This conversation was long. I made a few trip-ups that he went at. In these types of conversations it is hard to correct yourself without it being considered as backpedaling over your own thoughts. Either way, he obviously got a lot of good pastoring in with me. And I got free Bojangles.

When I was dragged to church, I found an interesting sermon series title (that's how that church organizes sermons, in series of related materials), "Dumb Things Smart Christians Believe". Turns out this series was a fucking transcript of our conversation! So, in fact, the subject was "Dumb Things Chris Thought Christians Believed, No Offense".

Why am I allowing my mom and dad to bring me to church? I like to think of it as a selfless act, since I rarely do anything like that. Then, I'm proud of my selflessness, which pretty much negates the whole affect and makes me practically hate myself. Either way, a lot of annoying shit like emails, phone calls, and Facebook messages are stopping. So whatever. I'll tough it until I graduate or something. "God" knows I'm getting the fuck out of this town.

I've been fantasizing unhealthily lately. The whole romantic thing. Guy comes into life, perfect, sweeps me off my feet, happy lives of bliss. Gah. I think about this shit as I go to sleep so I don't have nightmares. So I don't cry myself to sleep (even though I still do). So I feel like there is something to look forward to even though I know that'll never happen. Romance is dead. And, before long, my inner self will be too. I've practically committed mental suicide. And don't think I haven't thought about the physical one, too. I've gone so far as to imagine my suicide note. Bleh. I wouldn't do that to my parents. Plus, if there is a God, maybe my whole purpose in life is to teach my mom a lesson. Makes me feel fucking important.

I'd apologize for the bitchiness of my entries, but I don't care. These are for me, anyway. I do read them later. It is very interesting.

Also, I have this urge to write a romance story, and I even have some character outlines, but I just have no...method. Bloop is making me lean towards entry-style, but written as if the main character is carrying the diary around and writing things as they happen. Screwy, but I think interesting. The only problem is that the only romance storyline probably wouldn't be healthy for me because it is based on my fantasy, just with more conflict. The main character is closet gay, slightly older than me, lives in a hick town, etc. The only difference is that he actually already had a gay love interest (they were both secretive), but the other guy broke the main character's heart. So it isn't based solely on me. Hey, maybe if I keep thinking about things, he'll become his own. One never knows, maybe this might not suck.

This entry was all over, huh?


lithium layouts.

previous entry: Omegle

next entry: Pronunciations ahoy!

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what a stupid girl!!! some people can't seem to understand that no means no.

gah, churches piss me off. left mine at 12 and never went back.

[shuvanisumire|0 likes] [|reply]

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