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Doing my best...That's all I can do.
by Just_live

previous entry: I'm not ready for the handshake with death...

next entry: Zachary Aiden, September 20th 10:52 am.

What else can go wrong?


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Well, in the past 4 or 5 days i've gotten so much bad news it isn't even funny.
One thing was a private matter.
I don't really want to think about it or write about it.
But it's always on my mind.
Another was in the form of a MySpace message that Cullyn sent me earlier.

She told me that Sissy was dead.
She told me that she got really sick.
She went blind, was running into things.
Stopped eating and eventually stopped moving at all.
And that she had died.

Upon getting that message I walked outside and bawled like a little baby.
Everyone knows I loved her.
She was the greatest dog i've ever had in my life.
And, ask anyone, if there's one thing I miss about the way things were before, it's her.
I can't even count how many times i've looked at Jake and told him how badly I wanted to have her back.
Apparently at one point he was even trying to talk to my ex about buying her back for me.
For any ammount.

Part of me doesn't believe her.
I don't understand how she could just get sick like that and die.
She was fine before, so why the hell would that just happen?
Yeah she was a little odd ball.
But she ran around and she played and she ate and everything else.

So why?
Would she just randomly loose her sight?
Not want to eat anymore?
And then just stop moving?

But then again, I don't understand why she would lie to me about it.
There's no reason for her to.
So why?

There are countless other things as well.
Not to mention the fact that I could go into full labor at pretty much anytime.
I was in the hospital earlier, and the only reason they let me go was because I wouldn't dilate anymore.
I'm already at 3cm.
I went up to 4 at some point I guess but it went back down with the contraction.
(Which I heard couldn't happen, but According to the nurse it can.)
And i'm just so stressed out right now that it isn't even funny.

I can't take anymore bad news.
Not at this point.
I don't know why, when i'm so close to having my son, when i'm so close to being able to hold this tiny little life that i've just spent 9 months making.. When i'm that close to having something that is going to make my heart explode with so many good things..
I don't know why the hell everything else seems to be trying to break it.
Slowly pulling it into a thousand little pieces.
All of which i'm suppose to just pick up and move on instantly like it's no big deal.

What the fuck?

love must be as much a light...
as it is a flame.


previous entry: I'm not ready for the handshake with death...

next entry: Zachary Aiden, September 20th 10:52 am.

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hang in there...

[BrownEyedMonkeyStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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