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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: 3+ days

next entry: Dreams



Yesterday I txted Mark again. I sent him one in the morning, before he would've been awake. And then I sent one when I got home from work. I never heard from him. I had been working on an email for days, giving him a (final?) ultimatum. I finally sent it today. I was going to txt him and let him know, but what's the point? I think he's getting my txts, because when I sent an image on Sunday it said delivered, but I honestly don't know. He has an iphone on Tmobile, so any regular txt has only ever said sent, and only the images ever said delivered. For all I know I could be blocked.

Of course my ultimatum is all over the place. I tell him to leave me alone, but also to never stop contacting me.

My heart still hurts. I'm still crying, though not as much (right now). The simplest things can set me off. I can watch a tv show and something they say, or a song playing, can start making me cry. I can remember a phone call, or something he said to me, and I can start crying.

The last time he disappeared, I knew he'd be back eventually, it just took 5 years. This time? I don't know. It hurts to say that I honestly don't know. This time, shit got real. We had real conversations, we discussed real things. It wasn't just a bunch of sexting. He finally witnessed the real me. And I guess I got to witness real parts of him, too. But I want to witness all the parts of him.

I think he knows if he comes back again, he needs to be divorced. I want to have hope that if I hear from him months from now, it's because he's finally in the process of getting one. That he's finally sorting things out.

As much as he has hurt me, I still want him to be happy at the end of the day. I still want what's best for him, even if I'm not in the picture. I hope that things I said to him, are still running through his mind. I hope I'm still running through his mind.

I told him not to settle. I told him if he's not happy in his marriage, he needs to end it. I told him he shouldn't have to sleep in a car or on a couch, or wherever he was sleeping. He shouldn't be annoyed having to run errands for the person he's married to. He shouldn't argue every time he's in the same room to the person he's married to. I told him he deserved to take breaks at work. I told him he shouldn't have to work so much. So I hope, when he's annoyed running errands, he's thinking of me. I hope when he gets done arguing with his wife, he's thinking of me. I hope when work is stressing him out, he's thinking of me, and takes a break.

I just don't want him to think that he's hurt me so bad, or hurt me enough, to never come back. I will always want him to come back. Always, always, always.


mark, it kills me to say this, but i am giving you one final ultimatum. I dont want you to ever delete my number or throw it away. i never want to change my phone number or email so you can you can always keep finding me....

But you cannot keep hurting me and i cannot keep letting. you keep taking pieces of my heart. More than vegas and san diego and tom all put together. You have more pieces of my heart than anything or anyone I know. someone i've never met or touched, someone i've only talked to through a computer or phone, someone i havent seen a picture of in 15 years, has tons of pieces of my heart

What hurts the most, and i will say this until I am blue in the face, is that you heard me say dont disappear on me again. You agreed. You heard me say I deserved better. You agreed. I never thought youd disappear again, especially without telling me.

If youre trying to sort shit out, have the common decency to let me know. If you know youre hurting me and backing off, let me know. if you have decided to stay married and stay with your wife, let me know. i think you know you are hurting me and dont know how to handle it. I want you to realize youre hurting me and do something about it. Just dont leave me. For the 10th time. Please

this time im not telling you to call me in minutes or hours, im giving you days. You have until july 31 to reach out. txt, call, email. i dont fucking care.

Ask yourself these questions before making a final choice:

Why have you kept my number?
Why do you keep coming back to me over and over?
Why do you keep coming back even when you had girlfriends, even when you have/had a wife?
Why do you keep disappearing with no explanation?
Why do you keep hurting me?
Why have you kept my number?
Why do you keep coming back to me over and over?
Are you ready to let me go for good? (no)

If you read this any time between july 20 and july 31 and i dont hear from you, you get no more chances. realize that you are going to lose possibly the best thing that could ever happen to you. you are going to lose someone who kept giving you chances, who kept taking you back, who kept forgiving you for your mistakes, who tried to make you happy. if i dont hear from you, leave me alone. Delete my #. Wherever you've kept it the last 5, 10, 15 years, get rid of it. I will never delete your #, but I have never left, right? I have always been here, haven't i?

I shouldn't say this, because its just one more chance...

But if you dont check or choose to ignore this email and read it after july 31, reach out to me. I will still respond, because I cant say no. But have proof that I mean something to you, that im not a game. That im not an idiot. what that proof is, i dont know. i said in another email it better be a plane ticket to buffalo. but now? i dont know. i dont want to tell you what to do. you need to figure that out on your own.

(and i know this makes no sense. i tell you to leave me alone, to delete my #, but im also telling you to keep my number, to never stop reaching out to me. and it's because i cant let you go. i never want to say goodbye to you. i told you that. you could lie and say you never read this email until after july 31, that you never read it until october and i would believe you and i would take you back.)

how many times did you hear me cry, just out of frustration? i dont think it was all frustration. i think some of it was sadness, and me also being upset, angry, mad. but you ignoring me, that hurts the most. Since june 1, it seems like every day that I am sad, it has rained. And the days it rained the hardest, are the days I cried the hardest. The days you made me the happiest, were gorgeous. How ironic. just this last weekend, we had flash flooding. it rained and rained and rained. and you know what? i cried and cried and cried. I cry all the time now. Not from frustration anymore, but from a broken heart.

i bitched at you for going hours without talking to me, for only giving me 5-10 minutes out of the day. what i would do to have that back. what i would do to get just 1 txt from you a day. to hear your voice, even if only for 5 minutes a week. what i would do to hear a story, to know that you came thinking about me.

i really did buy tickets to that football game. i even emailed you the confirmation. i can resell them, but i will wait. i will fucking wait for you. i will wait months. i didnt buy those tickets to try to win you back. i bought those tickets because i have faith. maybe we need to meet, to get it out of our systems. fuck for an entire week and then never talk to each other again. because isnt that what we both want, to fuck each other? to do everything we've ever txted or talked about?

We have been here before, more times than I actually remembered. This time felt different. I truly thought it was different. You called me every time I told you to (until you didn't). You answered my call during a meeting. You called me when you woke up. but never once did you ask me to call you. i would've. i would've stopped what i was doing and called you in a heartbeat.

do you realize that every time we talked on the phone, you thanked me for answering? why? did you think there would be a time when i wouldnt? (because there ended up being a time, wasnt there? and then you stopped talking to me.) yet i always had to tell you i appreciated you calling, that it meant something to me. so why did you always have to thank me, and why did i always have to tell you i appreciated it?

You like numbers, right? Since 2011 you have come and gone from my life 9 times. The only reason I know this, is because I kept an online diary and went back and read everything I wrote. Sadly the site crashed and i have nothing from before 2008. but every time you disappeared, i never got a warning. just like this time. are you aware that you've been ghosting me before it was even a term? You ghosted me in 2011, 4 years before it was made a term. (and we were sexting before that was a term, too. 7 years before it was, actually).

But the excuses and reasons were always the same and still are. Work. Phone issues. A girl. And this time you added that your wife took your phone or you left it somewhere. (are you always that forgetful?)

Here is the link to my diary.

Every entry you have access to (without being a member) mentions you in it. Im still writing about you. Sometimes just a sentence, sometimes the entire entry is about you. Go back to the oldest entry. Spend just 1 hour and read them all. Your name is in bold, so you know where to start reading.

Read them and see how much you hurt me over the last 10 documented years. How much I missed you all the time. How many chances I gave you. I still miss you and im still giving you chances. You have hurt me over and over and over again and I still kept taking you back. I would still take you back.

My phone doesn't go to work with me or go to bed with me or outside by the pool. The only person I want a txt or phone call from is you. I only check my phone 4 times a day now and there is never anything from you. during the evenings or on the weekends i shove it in a drawer so im not tempted to look at it. ill leave it in the guest bathroom on purpose. i keep it as far away from me as possible.

but hearing nothing from you proves i mean nothing to you, right? You said I wasnt a game, but I am, arent i? do you get a high off coming back and ruining me? does it give you an ego boost, that i cant stay away from you? do you enjoy having me in the palm of your hand? i told you that you are the master and i am the puppet. cat and mouse. marco, polo.

I dont know how you stopped talking to me so easily. What did I do that was so horrible? what did i do that was worse than giving a shit? than still talking to you while you are married? i was being patient, so fucking patient.... i even told you i was trusting you, that i was giving you so many chances. I told you I would be blunt. Did you not believe me?

Im sorry for making you call me. Im sorry for making you txt me. Im sorry for telling you to get a new phone and phone number. but you kept saying you understood. you said i wasnt making you do shit. you said you needed a new phone. you said you wanted to go get it looked at. did you do that? i want to say no, because as soon as you stopped talking to me, you didnt have to worry about connection issues, right?

did it get too hard to juggle me, too? between your wife, work and errands, i was just one more thing you had to juggle, right? and i wasnt letting you off the hook. it wasnt because i got clingy... it's because i wanted you to show me that you cared, that i wasnt a game, that i meant something. because we had been here so many times before, i wasnt going to let you off the hook. but at night you couldnt juggle both of us. your wife needed you for whatever reason, but i needed you, too. and when you gave her your phone, you forgot about me needing you.

You said I was easy to talk to, a distraction. I was easy to talk to until i wasnt, right? When I started asking questions or wanting your attention. When shit got real you started to distance yourself. I didn't get clingy, I wanted clarity. Theres a difference. Last friday you told me to never stop telling you i was frustrated. You always let me rant and vent and bitch. Never once did you tell me if something I was doing was pissing you off or frustrating you. Never once did you raise your voice. I wanted to tell you that if I was doing things to piss you off, to tell me, but I never had the chance. So many things I wanted to say that I never got a chance to say, because it got too hard.

I wish I had let you leave me alone when you said you should. I wish I would've told you to sort things out and then resurface. I wish I had played hard to get. I wish I had let you miss me more than I missed you. I wish I made you fight for me. Instead I fought for you. I still am. Do you realize that? Your wife gave up on you. The person you vowed to share the rest of your life with, gave up on you. But I am STILL fighting. but if i had let you leave me alone, then i wouldnt have had 42 more days with you. i wouldnt have those voicemails or all those phone calls. i wouldnt have heard you laugh. i dont know what wouldve been worse.

I thought after 15 years, this was finally it. It was happening for a reason. But it was never easy between us, was it? Why couldn't it be? Is it your fault? Are you truly a bad guy? Or is it me? Was it both of us?

i keep going back and forth with that. Deep down, I dont believe you are a bad guy, but some days its hard not to think that, because of how you are treating me. I think you have made horrible choices in your life, we all have, some worse than others. I think you need to figure out why you keep cheating, or why you keep coming and going from my life. Because you cant stay away from me. you tried for 5 years, but you still came back. Why is that? Am I your drug? or do you only come back when things get shitty in your life? because that goes back to me being a distraction, right?

I am not married to you, but I am fighting for you like we are. I am trying to fix things. I tried to make you see that maybe you should've been with me this entire time. I haven't given up yet, like your wife did. I want you in bed next to me every night. you wife doesnt want that. she doesnt care that you slept in a car. i don't want to be frustrated with you, or have arguments with you, but after a few weeks it seemed like i was always frustrated, or that i was always on your ass about something. i will also say this until i am blue in my face... there is no drama in my life. but there was between us, wasnt there? why did we both make it so hard?

i read back through 2300 txts between us. the first few weeks it was easy. you were txting me when you first woke up. you asked me about my days. you were txting me late at night, calling me because you wanted to, cumming for me often. you asked what the favorite part of my day was, what i had for dinner. you asked what i was reading. and then there was a shift. no more txts until later in the day. no more phone calls unless i told you to call me. no more random questions to find out more about each other. no more phone calls of you wanting to cum for me. it got too fucking hard. we both made it too hard. we jumped in too fast. if we had taken it slow, we'd probably still be talking. but you distanced yourself and i got clingy. choices.

all the signs were there, right? you told me you were a bad guy, i didnt listen. you wanted to leave me alone, i wouldnt let you. you had second thoughts about leaving your wife, and i did everything i could to persuade you to leave. you started to distance yourself, i got clingy. choices.

You said you meant everything you said. That you didn't just say shit to say it, that you meant it. you said you couldnt go a day without being inside me. that you would be lucky to be able to fuck me 5 times a day. you wanted my mouth on your cock all the time. you wanted me wet for you all the time, so you could slide into me any time you wanted. so when did you stop meaning everything you said to me? or did you mean it at the time, and now you dont? i know you will never stop thinking of me, never wanting to be inside me. you've thought about it for the last 15 years. you've thought about it the entire time you've been married, havent you?

I meant 100% of what I've ever said to you. any lie i ever told you, i admitted that i lied. i even told you that i lied to you 5 years ago, about working in a hotel in vegas. i didnt have to tell you that, but i did, becuase i felt bad. because i have a conscience.

A few weeks ago you said you wanted to come visit, stay for a week, you just needed to sort some things out. Saturday you thought of me when you came. You called me. But then I didn't hear from you the rest of the day. so again, i got frustrated, because it wasnt the first time.

On sunday I was frustrated and i ignored your call and I didn't let you explain first. But you did explain and apologize and said you missed me. And then within minutes/hours you gave up. On me. On us. How could you do that so fast? After everything you told me?

But we both made choices, didnt we? I chose to talk to you all the time. You chose to push me away. I chose to not answer your call. One time. You chose to give up. it started out with you putting in 75 effort and me 25. i believe at one point it was 50/50. and then it felt like i was putting in 90 and you were putting in 10. and now it is 10000000/000000000000.

I never made you a choice. I made you a priority. You made me a priority when it was convenient for you. you chose to stop talking to me at night, many times. you chose to not call me back. But my one choice ruined everything. Why didn't I answer the fucking phone? Why didn't I keep my fucking mouth shut?

I tried to be so patient. Never once did I give you an excuse or a reason. I was there every single time. You kept saying you understood. I believed you. You tried, until you stopped. and you were patient and understanding, too. i guess i took that for granted. but i honestly think we both reached our limit at the same time. i was sick of one more excuse and you were sick of one more demand. the difference is that you erased me from your life in the blink of an eye and i am still doing everything i can to stay in it.

just so you know, the favorite part of my day, every day, was talking to you. Seeing a txt or you calling me made my day. You easily made me the happiest person by talking to me, but also the saddest by not talking to me. i joked that being in the pool was my 1st priority and my favorite thing and that you were my 2nd priority, my 2nd favorite thing. but you were my first. i took my phone out by my pool so i never missed a txt or call from you. i loved talking to you while i was in my pool.

I think about you all the time. I cant wait to go to bed, but I cant even escape you when I sleep, you are in my dreams more than ever. Do you think of me, miss me, dream of me? Do you play and still think of me? Do you still want to fuck me? Do you look at your phone hoping to see a txt, a missed call, a voicemail? Do you want to talk to me but are able to resist? I cant resist you. I never could. I miss you so fucking much. i havent played in over a week, because i cant bare to think of you. i still want you to fuck me. i was serious when i said i dont want to go the rest of my life without experiencing that. but im afraid i will. i really did want to cum for you, but i figured that as soon as i did, i'd jinx it and things would go downhill from there. i didnt want you to get that close to me just to ruin me again. it didnt fucking matter, because i never got the chance. you ruined me before i could. do you want to go the rest of your life not hearing me cum, not hearing your name on my lips, not feeling me cum, not seeing me cum?

I told you I am bad luck and i jinx everything. In the last week has your life gotten easier? Do you get done work on time? Are you working things out with your wife? Are you happy? Maybe you realized your life is better without me in it. No one telling you to call them. No one mad you didnt txt back. No one bitching at you and pointing things out. No one riding your ass. but again, im one less thing you have to juggle, right? you also have no one caring. No one trying to make you happy. no one making you smile. no one wanting to hear you cum. no one wanting you to fuck them. no one wanting to see you at the end of the day. no one wanting to hug you. no one wanting to fall asleep next to you every night.

I told you the universe is against us. I wasnt wrong. And I dont believe in God. How can I? I was doing fine without you. You were my fantasy. You were fun to think about. And then you got thrown back into my life. Why? What was the reason? why did God think i deserved to be hurt by you again?

there are 2 huge things i regret in my life. not meeting you in san diego, which i told you about. the other is moving back from vegas. but not meeting you will always will be #1. i dont know why i told you. maybe because i wanted you to know how serious i was/am about us. how much i still thought and cared about you. how much you affected me. so now you know my regret. and you also know about my pregnancy scare. so you are the only one to know 2 of my biggest regrets/secrets.

Theres more I want to know about you. I wasnt done talking to you and learning things about you. I was fascinated to learn you were a lifeguard. i want to ask you about it. I want to laugh with you. i want to take vacations and go to concerts (not just hanson). I want to read dirty texts. I want to hear you cum. i will never delete those voicemails. do you still have the ones i left you?

I still want to hear the rest of that dream, about what happened after the concert. I want to tell you that funny joke. I want to tell you my dog must've really had kennel cough. I wish instead of me being frustrated and bitching at you, we had better conversations. i wish i learned so much more about you. dont you wish you knew more about me, too?

I come off as a bitch, but I have a huge heart. I tried making you happy, to see the greener side. Txts and phone calls and inspirational messages. But by trying to make you happy i was making myself miserable.

Im still miserable. Time stands still. I go to work and go through the motions. My coworkers talk, but I dont hear them. I watch TV, but I dont pay attention. I swim (when its not raining), but i add more water to the pool because I cry. I hardly eat anything, just enough to still function. i play fetch with my dog, but im not present.

I dont talk to anyone. No one has noticed how distracted I am. How shut off I am. How sad I am. They either dont care or I am that good at faking it. But when I am alone I am a mess.

I hate comparing you to others, I told you this. Tom left me once. I never tried this hard to get him back. i never bought us football tickets. even though i fucked him, i never wanted him to touch me again. I let him go and I dont want him back. You left 9 times. but i still want you back. I still let you keep coming back and coming back. I will still let you come back. I will always want you to come back. i told you what tom did that ruined me. i told you he didnt talk to me for 12 hours. yet you kept doing it and doing it. i told you he stopped talking to me, and you promised you wouldnt, and then you did it again.

when we first started talking again, i told you that if i was in a relationship, i wouldnt give you the time of day. that was a fucking lie. i've never deleted you from my phone. even when i tried seeing where things were going with tom, i never deleted you. i still THOUGHT about you when i masturbated, until a few weeks before I went to visit him. but i had to force myself to not think of you. i played a few times while i was visiting him, and it wouldn't surprise me if I thought of you, but i honestly cant remember. i could be in a relationship and i already know that if you started talking to me again, i would txt you during the day at work, or phone calls in the middle of the night. and i would delete everything to keep you a secret. i am no better than you, because i am addicted to you.

But you cant do this to me again and I cannot let you do this again. I know I said I would never leave, but its not fair. And you cant keep hurting me over and over. I am a person with feelings and emotions. Im not a game. (but again, please never stop coming back into my life. dont delete my number)

And I will keep asking myself these questions:

Why do I let you keep coming back?
Why do I keep letting myself get hurt?
Why cant I say no?
Why didn't I answer my phone?
What is it about you, Mark?
Why are you my drug?
Why do I let you keep coming back?
Am I ready to let you go for good? (no)

You do remember the lyrics I said to you in a voicemail, right? Read them. You turn your back and they're gone so fast. That means you, Mark. Hold on to the ones that really care. That means me, Mark. In the end they'll be the only ones there. That means me, Mark.

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife
Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there

And since you like imagine dragons so much, take 45 minutes and listen to these songs I put on a playlist. Or just the 30 second previews:

previous entry: 3+ days

next entry: Dreams

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