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In The Shadows
by Concrete Rose

previous entry: 4 weeks

next entry: Nothing

No Changes


I don't know why I'm bothering to write. It's now been over 5 weeks since I've heard from Mark. Over a month ago. Nothing has changed.

I still fucking miss him. I still hope he'll txt me, call me. Anything. I think I'll go a whole day without crying, and then the smallest thing can set me off. I've forgotten what his ring tone sounded like, and then yesterday it popped into my head and I started to cry. It seems like every fucking book I read or show I watch, there is a person or character with his name. The other day I looked at the clock and it said 9:16. His birthday. Today I was eating some muffins and saw the expiration date. Sept 16. His birthday. Every fucking thing is a reminder.

I still don't give a shit about anyone or anything. I still don't look at my phone. I still feel like nothing fucking matters.

I read news articles every day, and I see how covid #'s are going back up where he lives. The wildfires out in CA. We never really discussed covid. The only time we did is when I mentioned working from home for a bit and how he was still working from home here and there. But I have no idea if he ever got it, or got the vaccine, or if he was still wearing a mask everywhere (except now they are, so it wouldn't have mattered). I never got to tell him that we got the haze/smoke from the wildfires. I might finally be getting my front porch soon, and I can't tell him that. This week I took a week off from work. I remember the last time I took a week off, back in June. That's the week we had that serious conversation.

Last Wednesday I had to go to a career fair in Olean. I was supposed to be there for 5 hours, but knew I'd leave after 4. I also knew I'd be bored, so I messaged Nick to see if he wanted to come see me. He did. I knew YEARS ago, and even most recently, that I would never want anything to do with him, relationship-wise, ever again. I mean, we never had a relationship to begin with, but I also knew I never would want to. And seeing him on Wednesday confirmed that.

First, he's now missing a front tooth. What is it with people, especially guys, that they don't care if they have missing teeth? Does Mark have all of his teeth? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that he takes care of himself.

Also, Nick really hasn't changed in the last 15 years. He still dresses like a 20 year old. He still says stupid shit. I've realized that certain things can only be said by certain people. But when other people say them, they just make themselves sound like an idiot. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at shit he said. I believe he's still living with his Mom. He doesn't work. He's supposedly his own boss, and makes his own hours, and makes more than people that do work. But I know for a fucking fact he's not working.

He's been in trouble with the law, went to rehab, lost his license. I understand that a lot of people are in his shoes with this, but it's like he doesn't care. He's in recovery, but not taking it seriously, besides not drinking. He said he lost his license for 5 years, but can pay $500 in 2 years to get it back, and he says he doesn't want to. It's like, don't you want to drive again, don't you want to not have to rely on others? I don't get it.

He said his brother and his wife bought a house. He said they were stupid because it needs a lot of work. I was able to find what house he was talking about on Zillow. Does it need work? Sure. Does it need A LOT of work? Depends what you want to change or fix. But for the price they paid and considering that they both work, they will be fine. Let people do what they want.

I honestly wonder if Nick is just jealous. I had no problem "bragging" about my house and other accomplishments to him. I honestly didn't care. At one point he mentioned the reason why he divorced his wife years ago. Supposedly they were living in her grandma's house and he thought they were paying the mortgage to some day own it. Apparently they were just making a rent payment.

That's his reason for getting a divorce. I honestly don't believe a fucking word he says. He said he caught her fucking a guy once, but didn't leave her at that time. I guess he forgot 15 years ago he wasn't any better. He was dating a girl and cheating on her with me. I wanted to point this out, but didn't.

The ONLY thing Nick said that made any fucking sense, was that he said the day he got a divorce was the happiest day of his life.

The entire time Nick was there, which was about an hour, all I could think about was Mark. And when Nick said this, all I could think was, "See, Mark, see!? That's what I was trying to tell you! That you CAN be happy after getting a divorce!"

When Nick finally left, he told me to message him later. I asked why, and he seemed surprised that I would even say that. I said to him, "Why don't you message me?" He said he would, but it's now been almost a week and I haven't heard from him. I honestly could care less, because I really don't want to talk to him. I wasn't looking for closure with him, or a reason to never get involved with him, but I got it. I mean, I always KNEW I didn't want him, but seeing how nothing has changed in 15 years, has confirmed everything.

But again, another guy making a "promise" he can't keep. He said he'd message me, and I never heard from him.

After him telling me to message him, got me thinking though. How many times did I tell Mark to message me or call me? And I kept saying for him to do it because he wanted to, not because I was telling him to. And he did... until he didn't. Yet it annoyed me when Nick demanded that me from. So I'm not any better, right? I demanded it from Mark, but as soon as someone demanded it from me, I shut them down.

But everything was different with Mark, right? Because if HE had demanded it, I wouldn't done it in the snap of my fingers.

I also know for a fact, that if Mark and I had still been talking, I would've never asked Nick to come see me. I would've had Mark to occupy me. And if I had asked Nick to come see me, every time Mark sent me a txt, I would've focused on that only. But when Mark and I were talking, no one else mattered. The entire time Mark and I talked, not once did I want to talk to Nick, or any other guy, or any other person in general.

Things happen for a reason... So by having Mark stop talking to me, let me get the closure (that I wasn't looking for or needing) with Nick. I wanted closure from Tom and never got it. I DON'T want closure from Mark, because I don't want there to be an end to us, but I do want closure, if it means he's changed his mind.

I don't get life. I fucking don't.

previous entry: 4 weeks

next entry: Nothing

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