i told mark weeks ago to not disappear on me again. that i deserved better than that. that if things werent working, to tell me.
i havent heard from him in 27.5 hours. he called me yesterday and i ignored his call and sent him to my voicemail. i was so frustrated with him because it wasn't the first time. and i wanted him to know what if felt like. and he left me a voicemail explaining he left his phone at a store. and then he sent me a txt and apologized and said he tried calling me again and that the call wouldnt go through, like on saturday, and that he was an idiot and missed me. he said he needed to go to tmobile to get his phone looked at.
but i havent heard anything since then. and i am fucking spiraling. i have called him so many times and left so many voicemails and i have txted him and i emailed him.
i want to give him the benefit of the doubt, that i will hear from him later.
it was fucking different this time. we talked more on the phone. if i told him to call me, he did. he answered my call during a meeting at work last week. we were having real conversations. he was putting up with my shit and never once gave me shit back. he told me he never wanted me to stop telling him i was frustrated.
nothing good can ever happen to me. i jinx everything. just on friday i said to him, you havent disappeared... yet. and then i ignored his call yesterday. what if i had answered? what if what if what if what if what if what if what if
all i want is to hear him txting me, or hear him calling me. thats all i want. even if he tells me he can no longer talk to me, i need fucking closure.
i am so broken right now.