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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

next entry: Broke.

To my father's girlfriend.



I remember talking to you one time in my life, and I am sure you have heard all kinds of nasty things about me from my father. But I have kept silent for 15 years because I love my mother. But now, I have earned the right to speak. I was not even 20 yet when my father left me at the house, ( mom had left for 2 months to give him a chance to miss her I guess ) and went off with you and your kids. I was left alone day and night, and he would come back to make sure I wasnt dead and had food and things. But I was alone, and abandoned, and there were many fights between my parents, some even physical, ( my father pushing and shoving. hes not always a nice person when he's angry ). Look, all of that is besides the point. The point I want to make is this: I deserved to have MY FAMILY. I deserved to have a father that loved me and was there, instead of with you. I deserved to be the one he took to nice places, and bought nice t hings for. I deserved to be hugged by him. TO know that I was safe at night, and not to hear strange noises outisde and realize I was all alone. I have loved my dad always always always, even ppl that know me for 5 minutes know Im a daddy's girl. I deserved his heart. I DESERVED HIS LOVE. And you took that away from me.

I know he probably talks to you about all of the ' bad choices ' I have made etc. I have since I can remember, had 2 choices to choose from in things: Horrible and terrible and I had to pick one. Staying in that home where he was breaking my heart into pieces, seeing him take MY THINGS, STUFF HE BOUGHT ME HE TOOK and gave to your kids. He took them places, instead of me. I know that I will probably get into trouble with him for even writing this to you, but I really dont care anymore.

He was my hero. He was my best friend. And you took that away from me. I don't know what would cause him to do this for so long. He has told you t hat you are his heart? The man doesn't know how to love anymore. At least not his true family. He sat here not 2 days ago and said ' Youre a worthless piece of trash Trisha ' over and over and over again. You have no idea what he has become at home, because of your relationship. He made his choice. To not be with my mother. But what is wrong with you that you would encourage him in leaving his DAUGHTER WHO LOVED HIM WITH ALL HER LITTLE HEART? I mean that. There has to be somethign wrong with you to do that. I was never given a choice in any of this. So I couldnt take it and I finally left home for good to go to a plaCe that I thought was better. I was wrong. I have been raped, I did make a choice to do drugs when I was 17-19 because of the pain of all of this, but so so so so so much has happened to me, I am now sick,and I dont mean with a cold. I mean VERY ill, and have had the worst things of nightmares happen to me ( beaten, raped, assulted, lots of other things ) because I left home because of your relationship with my father. I WAS NIEVE. RAISED AROUND MENNONINE AND AMISH. This pure hearted girl, out in the world alone. I could go on for centuries about my poor wittle feelings, but instead I am going to leave you with just this one question. How does it feel inside..Deeep inside...To know that you destroyed a life, and it could have been prevented? To know that you are primarily responsible for the destruction of a heart, that just wanted to be loved? A girl..Who loved her father very much...Turned into the person I am today.

I am not the monster he makes me out to be. I am a heartsick child at heart, who just wanted her father to love her. How do you claim the name of Christ and do such things? I dont know how you can live with yourself, but I am here to tell you lady, you do not deserve to look as happy as you do. Because, you are the monster. Peace out. Ps. Why? How could you do this? I am probably being way too nice to you. But its who I really am, because I am stopping myself from saying what I want to say to you, for the simple fact that who I AM in Christ? Doesn't allow me to talk that way anymore. He will deal with you. I don't have to. It pains me to see you smiling while other's lives have been so damaged and I hope that someday you have the strength to live a life in obedience to Christ that you claim to have.

Because what she REALLY deserves? Is this:

that youre a fucking bitch asss whore who took my daddy from me and i sincerely hope you enjoy the eternal flames licking at your goddamned vagina, cuz my dad wont be anywhere near it then. or maybe thats your punishment and youll have to be together in hell fo rall of eternity, fire fucking. HA i hate you, im angry with you and i fuckjing wish youd die. because you tore my life up you fucked EVERYTHING UP YOU ARE THE REASON MY INNOCENCE IS GONE, YOU ARE THE REASON I HADE TO LAY UNDER SO MANY MEN JUST TO SURVIVE, YOU ARE THE REASON I HAD TO SUCK DICKS, AND BE PUSHED ARO UND, AND HURT SO BADLY, WOUNDED BEYOND REPAIR ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE OF YOU! YOURE THE ONE WHOS WORTHLESS NOT ME. FUCK YOU I HATE YOU@!

But I think I will send her the nice message instead. Its who I really am in Christ.

previous entry: CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

next entry: Broke.


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Wow. You have zero accountability for your own actions. [K Huerta] [reply]

What the hell are you talking about? What actions? [I Fear Who I Am BecoStar] [reply]

K huerta--- Why are you judging her? This is her place to write and it is imperative that we be respectful, We write about our lives and our feelings here. This isn't social media, where we post stupid things, etc.

Also, with everything going on in the world right now, I think we all deserve a little kindness
[Ethan JamesStar] [reply]

This sounds familiar to me. I wrote a letter like this to my mom. Our situations were different obviously, but I know a little bit how you feel-- to an extent. On the emotional side .

When I was younger, I was emotionally, physically, and verbally abused by my mother.
Nothing I ever did was right. I was stupid, fat and ugly. No one could EVER love me because I'm physically disabled. When I was 18. she seriously thought about putting me in a home. There were times when I thought about killing myself.

Our relationship is "better" now that I don't live there anymore and have a family of my own. Sadly, it is my father who receives the abuse now. She likes to control things & my father and I were/are easy targets.

I've learned to stand up to her more, that causes us problems when she doesn't like what she hears. She may think it's okay to call her husband stupid, but definitely not mine.

Anyhow, I know that our situations are different, but just wanted to give a shout out to let you know someone understands a little bit how you feel.
[Ethan JamesStar] [reply]