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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: We Are Alive...

Not Good Eough...


I am in Florida with Lanette...I love this place for sure. I am in alot of pain and its been hard trying to get it under control. We went riding and bathed 2 out of the 4 horses today. Seemed to bond with the one, Magnum. I am having a really hard time with a few things. It is very hard to be myself in this situation. I feel this every time I am at someone elses house, its like a being dependant on them, in a way even if you have your own money. I absolutely adore Lanette I feel like shes a mother figure to me and a friend, and thats how I have viewed her for a very long time. 

I am however having a hard time with a few things, and its hard for me to even type about them but here we go. 1. I feel like I have to overcompensate for my lack of ability to work as hard as her. Its actually really draining me, on the inside because I find myself in the moment alright, but its every moment wondering if I spilt something, if I left something out, if I dirtied somethig up with my big fat disgusting sef. Right? And the more I am around her the more I care about her, but the more I feel like shes disappointed in me and does not love me like she did before I came here. That might all be in my head but I d k. I just wanna be me. Im silly, and make stupid mistakes and i am clumsy because of my brain damage, and I trip over things, and I have to hold onto things to hold myelf up and I drop shit all of the freaking time. Its like...NO ONE IS THAT PERFECT. And it scares me because if somethign were to happen and she decides that I am too lazy, or idiotic, or not worth keeping around, I have no way home. I have been treated like shit my whole life, and I really want this to work out so that things are okay. I dont wanna cause problems for anyone but I feel so inadequete for the work that needs to be done here, because she does NOT realize how sick and hte amount of pain I am in. I hide htings. I have mentioned this a few times but i dont wanna make a big deal outta things but I also dont wanna bottle things up. Im sitting here in tears typing this. I have alot more that is in and on my heart. but I cant do it right now. <3

previous entry: We Are Alive...

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Well, whatever you are feeling, it is best to write it out, rather than keep inside. I used to feel as you do, and sometimes still do. Though, i try to count my blessings. Do you read? There is an author i like: Jen Hatmaker. Her self-help book, “fierce, free, and on fire”that really hit home with me. I bought it off amazon. Keep writing your feelings here. Try to set goals for yourself. NO ONE is perfect—- you hear?

[Ethan JamesStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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