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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: Dream.

Ex- Gay?


My first memory is being afraid. Im just gonna talk as Trish the human girl now, not Trish the TI. When I was younger, my parents would fight al of the time. They never seemed to like each other very much, although I do have very vivid memories of us going away as a family, and they would  be up front, holding hands. I remember that made me smile. I felt secure on those days. But the other days were very hard on me. I remember having to get in between my mother and father, begging and screaming for them to JUST STOP IT, pushing them away from each other, because I was scared they would hurt each other. And sometimes they did. Sometimes I got hurt too. But as a child, never should have had to do that. Never. Especially not on a consistant basis. Alot of bad things happened to me as a kid, and I will admit, blocking out memories, to the point that I cant really remember much of my childhood except snap photos in my mind, like a photo album, Im standing there in the photo, or someone else and Im like ' OH THATS RIGHT ' and then I will remember. But not too much. All my life, I have been attracted to women. Yes you heard me right. I accepted Christ at a young age, and loved Him so much. But I couldnt get rid of this, no matter what I did. I remember falling on my face,  begging him to take it away, and asking Him why it was wrong. THe only answer I ever got was ' because you left  your first love ' well that would be God. I have been in relationships with very few people because I believe in LOVE, and in COMMITMENT, and when you make a promise, you fulfill it, unless something horrible happens to stop you. I wanted a relationship that was the opposite of what was modeled for me from my parents. And then from my ' godparents ' in Michigan, I got yet another bad marriage as a model. I may not have known what was the RIGHT things to do, but I did know the WRONG things to do, and I fled from them as much as humanly possible. Its a long story. I am just saying, that God or something seems to have taken that out of me. Made me asexual if you will. I see people as souls, spirits, that just happen to be in the flesh ( I call it a meat suit, but, ssshhhhh ) that we are in. I no longer desire anyone in that way. It is very freeing, to be able to loveeeeee, without being IN loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ya get me? Anyways, thats my rant for today, be strong, be faithful, endure, we will win. Because HE already has. <3

previous entry: Dream.


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