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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: Proof

Beauty Out Of The Pain.


I feel the unction to say something so here I am. I want to go on record here and say that Im sure people that I have been unkind to in my life, or hurt even, read my posts and I want to take this opportunity to 1. Ask forgiveness. and 2. To say that I am not that person anymore. Its not a matter of me changing myself, it is a very slow, almost dying literally process of letting God have my moments, and man is it hard. I realize that I have been the cause of suffering in people’s emotions and other aspects but I need to say that it was not my intent. I have lived my life knowing all too well the sting of rejection and hurt that comes from a dysfunctional family that claims the name of Christ. And I do believe that my Mom wants to do the right thing and that she loves God. I know this. I also know that I have looked to PEOPLE all of my life for the things that only GOD is capable of giving. Unconditional love. Unconditional acceptance. FEELINGS of security and warmth and ‘ home ‘. For those like me, who have always just wanted to be loved, and found themselves hurt instead, ( sometimes causing us to be unable to recieve the love that IS given to us! ) we know how it FEELS all too well, and I would always bristle when people would tell me to ‘ grow up ‘ ‘ be responsible ‘ ‘ be an adult ‘ ‘ be mature ‘ , be what you’re supposed to be. And I remember always feeling like ( and still do with some people ) like because I am not what THEY think I should be, that there is something wrong with me, and that I ‘ Need help ‘. But nothing could be farther from the truth. WE ALL NEED HELP. Lets just get that one out of the way right away. But not because we are defective or born wrong. But because we are looking for what we NEED through the WORLD’S avenues. Money. Sex. Relationships. ‘’Love’’. Food. Technology, movies, alchohol, drugs, whatever it may be. ( I will NOT back down on my stance that DRUGS are not the problem, ALCOHOL is not the problem, PEOPLE are the problem. Addiction is a problem. Chemicals man puts into the GOD created ‘ drugs ‘ are the problem ) Anyways, either way, any time we make anything our ‘ crutch ‘ to get through the day and it’s not God? It’s wrong. And that is me talking to myself because I do it all the time. Difference is now, I see it. People can tell us something all our lives and yet we don’t ‘ get it ‘ it doesnt ‘ click ‘ and then one day it gets said either in the right way or by the right person and we ‘ get it ‘, and that clicking sound becomes almost audible to our ears. Then comes the decision do we make the painful effort to change OURSELVES? Or do we just continue in the patterns we always have followed? I guess what I am trying to say here is that it doesn’t matter what your family or friends, or anyone else, or this world system lays out for you and says ‘ look this is the ‘ perfect ‘ model of what you should be ‘ weather its be born, have a healthy family, grow up, get a good education, good job, good money, good house, good car, good mate, good kids, good this good that. WHO DECIDES FOR US WHAT IS GOOD? WHO’S STANDARDS ARE WE TRYING TO MEET HERE????? The government? The world? Our family line? Our friends? Strangers?!?!?!? I mean there has to come a point in our lives where we either give in and be what everyone says is ‘ right ‘ , or we stand up for the truth that God will show each of us as INDIVIDUAL CHILDREN OF HIS, and we say no....No Im not gonna fit into your little mold. Im gonna be me. Who I was created to be. I am gonna break out of the prison of conformity, and be set on fire by a NEW and LIVING way. Jesus. God. Same thing. BE WARNED: It is not easy to stand out. Esp, when they come against you saying ‘ youre a bad person because ‘ then whatever. Okay? Your point? I made mistakes. Haven’t you? If you haven’t then please by all means judge away! Point the fingers away! But if you have made even one mistake in your life that you can’t take back, then please...Just stop and breathe a minute and remember that we are all human. We all just want to be loved and accepted. And when we aren’t? It is up to us if we follow the road to becoming a hardened heart, or, if we will allow God to make beauty out of the pain. I have made my choice. And that choice is God. And that choice is my heart. And that choice, is my son. And that choice?Is to be what God put me on this Earth to be. Im sure He didn’t want me to make a lot of the choices I have made, but here I am today, the product not only of my choices, but of the choices evil has put on me that I had no control over. I am simply saying we all have a choice to make. DAILY. Cuz it’s one thing to say ‘ Okay God here’s my heart, I trust You with it, broken fragements and all ‘, then we get up from the altar, and uh oh! WE TOOK IT RIGHT OUT THE DOOR WITH US!!!!!!!!! I dont wanna do that anymore. I wanna LIVE. For HIM. Because He gave it all for me. And He put me here to learn to live among unlovely, so that we could become LOVE. So the things they tried to beat us down about the most? Those are mostly our gifts. They say we are ‘ too sensitive ‘ . God says ‘ Ezekiel 6:26: "Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.’’ I chose that verse on purpose, because the enemy loves to use that one against our mind. BUT GOD says, BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL FOR THEY SHALL OBTAIN MERCY. They say you are too ‘ needy ‘ God says we can come to Him with EVERY THOUGHT, EVERY TEAR HE KEEPS IN A BOTTLE. NONE HAVE BEEN WASTED. If God sees even every single tear drop? How can we continue to doubt? He didn’t promise us a life free of pain. In fact He promised us that if we would come after Him pain is one of the things we WERE PROMISED. BUT...He is with us. I just..Dont know whats gonnna happen to me physically anymore from day to day and I needed to say some of the things on my heart. Because contrary to what you might have heard? I do love...So so so so much, and compassion from God runs through my veins. I love because He put it in there from the start. Not because of anything I did to deserve it. My mistakes are many. His love is greater. And I praise Him. I make no promises about doing better, and showing my walk etc, I only promise to bring my heart every day and weather it has anger or bad, or good, and right thoughts, I still bring it to Him. Because He is the only one who can make a miracle out of the mess I have made of the precious thing called life that He has given me. My choice is made. I hope yours will be too. God bless you. Idk whats gonna happen to me now. But I dont want my life to be for nothing. I want others to KNOW the love I FEEL IS WHAT HAS REALLY BEEN IN MY HEART ALL ALONG. I don’t want it to come as a surprise to anyone in the end, because that would be the greatest tragedy of all. <3

previous entry: Proof

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I’m glad you’ve found God, girl. I wish I could! [LittleUn|0 likes] [like|reply]