WhEn PuSh CoMeS tO sHoVe
Let me be honest, 100% completely and utterly honest. I hate myself. I know people have lives that are so much worse than me. But I am just twisted.
I am 5' 2" and about a 120lbs -_-'. My stomach is disgusting. I hate. When I sit, it folds and is lumpy and flabby. My legs - well my thighs - have stretch marks like crazy and are always bumpy even after I shave. I have mild acne but it has been worse on lately. My nose is too big and has this little bump right after the bridge, which I think is just the worst possible thing on my entire face. My eyes are this freaky shade of green/blue and look washed out and ugly and I have these purple spots under my eyes. Like they are not bags, but it is like capillaries or whatever break and my skin there is just purple, like a light purple. And I have the smallest hands. From pinky to palm is only 5 inches and my longest finger isn't even 3 inches. I am disgusting. It is obvious that I am too.
No one has ever asked me out and no guy has ever told me I am pretty. I have never been kissed; I have never held hands with another person (not counting parents). You know, I don't even get derogatory comments, like my friends will say they sometimes catch guys staring at them and stuff like that. And my one friends, Natalie, we used to work together, well she had guys hit on her (customers) and that has never happened to me. I mean, that is disgusting, but still.
I went in for fitting in my prom dress yesterday and it was horrible. No idea what to do, and I think I looked horrible. There were so many other girls there, and they some just stared and it was uncomfortable and weird. Because they were so much prettier than me.
And my friends, well they never ask ME anywhere. Ever. Well, no scratch that, I did get invited to Jessica's b-day party over the summer. And Natalie did call me once, to see if I wanted to hang out. Once. Other than that, no one has ever called me to see if I wanted to hang out. They never call me to see if I would like to go to a movie or anything like that. Ever.
Let me not forget the fact that I am the biggest idiot you would ever meet. I just talk, and talk and talk, and talk. I can't stop. I don't want to talk. Most of the time I am not really saying anything. And I know I annoy people, but I just can't help it. I feel like I am weird around people, like they all - even my friends - think I am weird. And not in a good way either, but in a terrible way. And I always seem to say the wrong things or the wrong way and I act like an idiot. Like I don't know timing, I don't know how to talk to people about anything that is deeper than superficial silliness.
And it doesn't even stop with talking. When I am bored, especially at work, I will make things. Like the other day, I decided to destroy this cup and ended up taking the bottom out, and so I made this little viking dude, with a crown and a pitch fork. Or I make snowflakes out of paper towels or something. And Jen, this girl I work with, well she likes to tick me off at times, and so she will hide/throw away anything that I make. And I don't know why. But that really pisses me off. Not only do I make things, but I have this weird habit of talking to inanimate objects and sometimes I even name things. Like I named this white stick at work we use to keep the drive-thru window open, Gretta. Don't ask me why. I just did.
I am not good enough either. This girl I work with, Kylie, well I can't do anything right around her. She is a real bitch, but still, I don't like all that hate directed towards me. I mess up an order, oh shit, the world will just end if Kylie is working. I can't wash dishes fast enough. I can't fill fast enough. I can be taking orders, making drinks, taking money, and handing out orders all simultaneously and it just is not good enough. I am lazy. And Jen, she said one night that I was talking to much and that was why she wasn't doing that much. So I stopped talking, and then because I was not talking she couldn't do anything.
It isn't just at work either. At school, if one of my friends gets a better grade then me. I am SO happy for them, really, truly I am. But I feel horrible inside. Because I didn't do as good as this person who has a B average or a C average. I'm such an idiot. But I am SO completely happy for them. I want all of my friends to do so well, because they deserve it. They do. If I don't get an A, it is just not good enough. Ever. I can't fail. Failing is unacceptable, because my grades are the one thing that for at least a fraction of a second I am good enough.
I just... I honestly wish I had someone to talk to. None of my friends have been online because they lead such busy lives and I can't fault them for that. What can I expect them to do? Drop everything and get online. No. That is just rude and immature and completely ridiculous. I wish someone, anyone, would ask me what is wrong when I get in a bad mood. But no one ever does. Eventually it bursts forth, and I tell someone this chopped up version, because I don't want to get into all of the details. Why bother when you don't even care enough to ask? And maybe I don't look that upset or sad or anything, but when I was told one day that I had been in a bad mood all day and I didn't think I was.... Maybe... well maybe I just expect more from people that jump to that conclusion when I didn't think I was in a bad mood.
I want someone - not my parents - to care what I think, and care how I feel. I want someone to want me. I want someone where I don't have to talk. I want someone that I don't feel like I am burdening with my problems. I want someone to compliment me on how I look every once in a while. And I want someone I can talk to, no matter what, and they will be there. They will listen and they will care. And I am not talking about a boyfriend, because at this point, I really don't think that will ever happen. Because guys do not like me. I just want a someone, a friend, anyone to just be there and show me I can trust them. Because I can't trust. I just can't. Because I am not that pretty, and I am not that smart. I am not that talented and I am not that outgoing. I am not that confident and I am not that perfect. I am not enough.
But that won't ever happen. Because no one cares enough to see beyond my mask and make an effort. And I have, I have asked my friends to a movie and to go prom dress shopping. But yet, they always make their plans without me - always. Sorry this is so long, I didn't expect it to be. I just... I just needed to let the world know. Because, well I don't know. I am just that weird. I just needed to say - or well type - honesty to myself. Because let me be honest here, for everything 1 thing you might find good about me I will show you 20 more that are wrong. Don't underestimate me. I lie awake at night thinking about this sometimes.
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