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an empty frame.'s Diary
by an empty frame.

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Sickness, recovery, I winnnn


Recovery SUCKS. I feel sick as hell. And swallowing fifty million pills a day is NOT helping. Trying to make myself eat does not seem logical when I know I'll be spending an hour on the toilet as a result. Jesus christ shit on a stick this is ssssooooo grooossss I don't like ittttt. I want to spew but I can'ttttttt. Not to mention I can't FUCK.

Egh I am miserable. I just wanna get this over and done with. Eghhh I feel sick as an anorexic trying to digest his breakfast. I don't care if I look like a complaining asshole. I am actually looking forward to support group today just so I can bitch about how hard it is to shit amongst a group of sympathetic individuals. And just the other day I couldn't think of a damn thing to say, and now I just wanna talk about poo. And cry!

I am tempted to say I've never felt this sick in my life, but I have, so bah. *sigh* it's really fucking hard and these complaints may sound little but together with the constant conflicting thoughts going on in my head and everything is screaming at me to quit this recovery bullshit! Egh. At the same time, I guess if this is what it takes to one day just be able to live kinda normally and not feel weak and sick and tired and stupid all the time, then I guess it's worth it. I said I hated my ADHD enough to seriously want a lobotomy or electric shock therapy or something. But I guess if I seriously want to start being functional again, and I REALLY do, then I have to start eating and put on weight and like fucken stop lying to myself and everyone I know about it. It sucks because I know it's only the first week and it's gonna get a hell of a lot worse and it's gonna take a long fucking time and I'll probably forget why I'm doing it and fuck if I'm honest I'll probably go a bit nuts once I start putting on serious weight but I just have to remember---

being able to fit gabriel's belt around my waist and do up the buckle, when he grew out of it a year ago (he's almost four) is NOT SEXY.
Body fat of less than 15% is NOT HEALTHY.
hair falling out when it is not in my genes is NOT A GOOD SIGN.
feeling dizzy for five or more minutes after standing up is NOT FUN.
Eyesight being so bad at times I literally cannot read no matter how much I squint, rub my eyes or increase the font size is NOT NORMAL.
being unable to sleep for four nights in a row no matter how tired I am is NOT GOOD FOR ME.
avoiding social occasions and losing all my friends as a result is NOT COOL.
having co-workers make bets on whether or not I have AIDS, cancer or a heroin addiction most certainly means I DON'T LOOK HOT.
heart palpatations, shortness of breath, blurred vision, inability to think straight, inability to digest most foods, bruises EVERWHERE even in impossible places, all shows that I am doing permanent damage to my body and if I don't die from cardiac arrest or organ failure right now, I'll probably die from cancer or something sometime soon. It is ridiculous for me to continue doing this to myself no matter how much I think I need it. It's making me crazy and my brain is the one thing I don't want to lose. It's definitely time to stop. I actually have things to live for, why would I settle for dying? I've survived a lot of shit in my life. I can survive this. The pain won't last. It will get easier if I persist. Practice makes perfect. By the end of the year I should be an expert at eating.

Anorexia - 0
Aaron - 1

previous entry: This is not a porno post

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You can do it! You're not a complaining asshole. You're doing something awesome for yourself and we love you for it.

[mixieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

You CAN do this. You are so strong for this, you CAN come out of this

[Stephanie|0 likes] [|reply]

Aaron. This is one of the single most amazing things I've read in the 7 years I've been on bloop. Amazing. I am so fucking proud of you!!!

[Morning.GloryStar|0 likes] [|reply]

so proud of you right now.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

you CAN do this. you CAN!!

[.November.Butterfly.|0 likes] [|reply]

You can totally do this. You deserve to be the best person you can be. And if you're not allowed to complain and whine in your diary where can you?

[BeautifulBrownEyesStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I find it difficult to comment on your recent entries, as a recovered anorexic/bulimic. You'd think it would make it easier, but somehow it doesn't, it just makes me stop halfway through an entry and run away. I suppose... all I can say... is that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Be patient with yourself, it won't happen overnight - I'm sorry to say, I'm sure you know already, it won't be a pretty time in your life. but it will be worth it. Nothing worth having is easy.

[|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: This is not a porno post

next entry: Recovery rambling

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