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an empty frame.'s Diary
by an empty frame.

previous entry: Lalala

next entry: Worried about Young and Jeeves

At war with myself again


This is so fucked. I don't want to lose my recovery support worker. I really need to eat properly but I don't know how. I just don't know how. Every time I gain, I lose it again, and then I maintain the low weight or get badly sick again and work on losing more. The low weight seems healthy to me and the higher weight makes me feel disgusting and obese. When I get bigger I obsess over how to lose it. My mind is constantly at war with itself. I can never just decide on what to do. It's always, should I or shouldn't I? But my recovery support worker said that I have to work hard at recovering, otherwise they can't help me. They can only support me if I'm willing to actually do the hard work. The alternative is getting really sick and going to hospital, or just like, starving to death. I know I'm nowhere near that anymore but I'm going backwards and I could easily fall into that downward spiral and then within months I'll be there again. I think I have control and that I won't get that bad again but the nasty thing about this disease is that it tricks you into believing you're in control when you're not. So I can't trust myself to make that call. If my support worker/case worker thingy is saying this is a red flag, then I guess I should trust him over myself, because I lie to myself all the time. I can;t shrug it off because I don't "feel as sick as I used to". How would I know? I didn't know it back then. It was only in hindsight that I realised how sick I was. If I were to get that sick again, I wouldn't know it. And it took so much work to get to where i am now, I don't kjnow if I could do it again. So I really need to work on eating and like. stuff. But I don't know how. I mean, technically I know. But I don't know how to put that food in my mouth. I just can't, sometimes. It's just so much easier to skip another meal. So much fucking easier. It;s so hard and I'm so exhausted and unmotivated and distracted and upset. SOmetimes I feel literally paralyzed. Like, I have all the will power in the world, but I can't move, I can't do it. I don't know why. I don't understand it. It's just paralyzing. I guess it's fear.

Eat. Eat. Eat. There's no point pretending that it's not a problem anymore. It's still a problem. I'm not better. The problem hasn't been fixed. I was making huge progress. The progress slowed down. The progress stopped. Ignoring that doesn't mean it's not true. I can't pretend that I'm still committed to recovery when I'm not even making any effort to eat properly. I need to do better than this. But I can't. I'm weak. It's easier not to. I'm a coward. I want to be strong. I was so proud of myself when I started getting better. Did I feel stronger? I can't remember. I want to be strong. I'm so tired. I need a nap. I think I'm sad but I don't know. It's easier to just be emotionless. It's easier to ignore it. To switch off. I'm tired. I don't trust myself. What if I get over it and forget how bad I feel. I hate forgetting everything. I can't trust my memory. I casn't trust my thoughts at all. I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I'm going to nap now because I hate myself and I don't wnt to think.

previous entry: Lalala

next entry: Worried about Young and Jeeves

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I think that life has handed you some shit hands of late. Starving is your drug, and it's really really effective at what it does. It gives you a sense of control, it plays with your hormones and other body chemicals to make you feel high and numb. For a long time, you feel really good, because your eating all the nutrients you need by cannibalizing yourself. Food is much harder to get right.
But you're not okay. You really are worth taking care of.
But if you can't see that right now, then do it for Luke. He loves you, but he has too much to cope with right now. He needs to not have to worry about you. And doesn't he deserve the best, the strongest you can be?
I love you. I've lost one diary friend of late, and I do not want to lose another.
I don't know. This wasn't as good a note as I was hoping.

[a little one|0 likes] [|reply]

ditto a little one above there.
are they actually helping you to work through and figure out WHY you're using food as a control? because its just no good them telling you to eat, without helping you figure out why you're doing it and how you can gain control in other ways... it would be a waste of time!
i cant ever imagine pulling out of my ED without that realisation of what i was doing and why.

[.November.Butterfly.|0 likes] [|reply]

i agree with the two noters before me. shouldn't they be helping you figure out why you need to control it? or try controlling something less life threatening, but still satisfying? if that can be done.

[& skull.|0 likes] [|reply]

Have you tried only eating totally necessary nutritious foods? Then you will stay thinner but your body will have all the vitamins and minerals it needs to stay strong. Like raw veggies. That is what I do because I cannot work out because of heart issues. I can't starve myself but the minute I enjoy some ice-cream my fat ass gains 4 pounds! So like right now, I am trying to drop weight for a wedding so I am ONLY eating this three bean salad I made. It has only raw veggies and apples with three beans that have been strained and cleaned so no juices. With yogurt, olive oil in vinegar. I drop weight when I eat it because it is pretty much roughage but it has vitamins and protein. Until the wedding this is pretty much all I can eat. I don’t think thin is bad if your body has what it needs.

[BeccaRellyStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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