never did i think a boy like me would be in need...
Tinchy Stryder is stalking me today
Oh, hai there abs! I'd almost forgotten about you!
Haha, been pounding it pretty hard on the treadmills the past couple of days, and boyohboy my abs are screaming at me this eve!! Feel the burrnnn. At least it's a healthy outlet. I used to cut, drink, starve myself, now... I run. This is for sure a good thing. Plus, I think my runners build is going to serve me well with transitioning, a good strong base to work with. I seem to be thinking of myself as a blank canvas, or a lump of clay ready to be moulded.
I've been seeing the community counsellor a lot, preparing for my first NHS meeting on Feb 2nd. Eepp! We've been working on "breaking down psychological barriers" which is completely crazy, and basically involves... getting me mentally strong and confident enough to know that I CAN do this. It's pretty hard going - the first session, I was on the verge of having a panic attack and nearly crying.... but then after having a mini-meltdown, I started breathing again, I started to calm down, and all of a sudden... I felt... fantastic. She said that anytime throughout this process that I recognise that same feeling of panic.... now I know I can come out the other side. Breathe, calm, calm calm... and I will... I was going to say "I will survive", haha, how apt.
So, I'm feeling a lot less anxious about it. Especially, as she said that she knows that I want to do the NHS route, and she's positive I won't have a problem - but that if I do have a problem, if I despise the therapist, if I don't think it's going the right way, if anything, that she will help me out. Basically, the way it all works in the UK, once I have an official diagnosis of gender dysphoria, I have to be assessed for at least three months before hormone therapy would begin. Now, this is a part that a lot of people seem to whine about taking so long, but honestly, three months? Get a grip on yourself. I know you're miserable, I know you're impatient, but my god, it's better than the opposite, it's for your own damn good! You wouldn't want to suddenly find you've made a mistake. YOU know you aren't making a mistake - but they need to know that too. They're not mind-readers. I'm all high and mighty right now, remind me of this in two months when I'm having a whine of my own!
What was my point?
Oh, yes. That if I don't feel good about it on the NHS, she can help out with the three month assessment part - not all of it, there needs to be a psychiatric aspect, and a bunch of health tests to make sure I'm physically ok for it - hence why I think the running is a good idea! Good strong heart, definitely the way forward.
I have sort of decided that I'd like to do as much without surgery as possible - obviously, some things aren't going to fix themselves, but I mean I'm going to give speech therapy one hell of a good go before resorting to surgery, for example. Things like that. For some reason, I think... it'll be worth more, if I know I put the work in. Not that I look down on anyone who goes that way, I just... like to push myself. Is that weird? Hmm. Not sure I much care if it is!
I went shopping with my mum and bought foundation, razors, 'Norwegian Wood' by Murakami, three primark tops, plain, basic, but women's - I don't want to become an exaggeration or a joke. I think that a lot of transexuals make the mistake of going too feminine, too perfect, too much a man's image of what a woman is. I can understand why, that desperation to get rid of anything 'masculine', that fear of being found out.... I get it, and I partially think it's a generation thing - I feel being 24 may be to my benefit. It's easier to dress as a 24 year-old girl than a 44-year old woman. Plus, I have female friends I'm sure will steer me in the right direction!
Hmm. I'm feeling... good! Strange, huh?
edit - also, I wanted to say, the reason I took 'male' off my diary is because it states 'gender' not 'sex', and I felt that the whole thing was too confusing at the moment, and until my gender matches my sex, I'll leave it... blank. Just like my canvas I was talking about.