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previous entry: kiss with a fist.

next entry: and if the people stare, then the people stare...

look to the future.


I had a mostly good night last night - just listening to music, playing the wii, playing some silly trivia drinking game, and slipping on the ice on the way home and trying not to cryyy over how much my bum hurt afterwards!

My family were all round today, which was mostly nice when I was lost in playing guitar hero, eating too much, telling jokes etc.

But now, it's getting late, and I'm alone again, and I feel sort of sick with anxiety about the coming year. I want to be positive - and I am, in a lot of ways, but somehow the enormity of what I'm embarking on is hitting me now.

Cat's gone to London now, and it makes my heart hurt. But then I remembered the wonders of technology and typed out an email for her, telling her what I'd decided, telling her I was going to miss her, asking about her new year... she replied, and part of it said "do you think the sick feeling might be partially excitement, too?" And I smiled... how does she always see right into my soul? I hope it's the first of many long emails. I hope we still share everything we always did. I don't see why not.

I'm afraid of the amount of people I could lose soon. But then, I remind myself... if they walk away, they were no good in the first place.

I talked to Rich a little. I told him the results of my STD screening, and said that I couldn't be with him again until a lot of things changed. I understand that he's sick, but there comes a point when it's just not a good enough reason. I spent so much time worrying about him and his problems, that I forgot to look out for myself. It's not healthy. I can't do it anymore. Honestly, I don't think I have the space in my head for a relationship right now... especially not one this intense, if you can even call it a relationship.

2010 is the year I start to get a little selfish. Because I need to put myself first for once in my life, before I disappear completely.

2010. It sounds crazy. Like a sci-fi movie, so futuristic!

In 2010...
Run more. It's the one thing that turns my mind off, I get into the rhythm, the music, the wind in my face, the scenery... and I forget. Book a 10k. And run.
Write more. Anything, it doesn't matter. Write for yourself, stop being so judgmental.
Read more. Anything. Just get back into the habit.
Watch less TV. I shouldn't just stare blankly at the box - only put it on if there's actually something to watch! This will be a difficuly habit to break.
Worry less.
Drink less.
Eat better.
Be selfish. Say no more.
Don't hide. Be brave. Stay strong. Do it for you.
One step at a time.
Smile. In the face of everything, just... smile.
You'll get there one day.

previous entry: kiss with a fist.

next entry: and if the people stare, then the people stare...

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I think I can count the true friends on one hand, hell, I wouldn't even use up all the fingers either...

you are right, if they don't stick then they aren't real friends.

[Dragonfly|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: I would except that costs money, which I don't have. So I am stuck doing it on my own.

[thefatone|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Soup is a good idea. I hadn't even thought of that. And pasta, yes. Although I have a weakness for pasta. As long as I don't keep a lot of it around, it may not be an issue.

[thefatone|0 likes] [|reply]

And upon reading your entry, I'd like to say that you have nice goals for the next year! They seem basically doable, so I wish you luck with them.

[thefatone|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Moderation, I think, is my biggest issue. So I've got to work on that, but honestly if I work on moderation, then that's half the battle accomplished!
Tuna's a good idea, too. I'm putting this all on my grocery list.

[thefatone|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: The water is something I try to do. I've got a 34oz water bottle that I try to drink once, fill up, drink again. That was my first step, that I've been doing for the past month or so. it's a lot easier than the rest!
And the 20 minutes thing is a great idea.

[aiming for thin|0 likes] [|reply]

I love your list of things, and the smile part. Smiling really does help. I wish you the best in everything in 2010, you really deserve it hon. You've got lots of love and support around you. More than you realise.


[MonsoonStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Good luck on accomplishing everything =)
Sounds like a great new year's though.
Think positive and good things will come.
Wow that sounded like a fortune cookie.
Totally didn't mean it to sound that way.
Cheers to a new year, love! x'z & o'z

[L1ly.|0 likes] [|reply]

I love your 2o1o ambitions.
I really hope you succeed being a bit more selfish, you need it.
ryc:: xD Aha, I got so sick the morning after.

[l'etoileStar|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc:: xD Aha, yeah, we do.

[l'etoileStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I have read it!
I bought and read back in Summer, really good read.

[l'etoileStar|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: kiss with a fist.

next entry: and if the people stare, then the people stare...

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