I had a mostly good night last night - just listening to music, playing the wii, playing some silly trivia drinking game, and slipping on the ice on the way home and trying not to cryyy over how much my bum hurt afterwards!
My family were all round today, which was mostly nice when I was lost in playing guitar hero, eating too much, telling jokes etc.
But now, it's getting late, and I'm alone again, and I feel sort of sick with anxiety about the coming year. I want to be positive - and I am, in a lot of ways, but somehow the enormity of what I'm embarking on is hitting me now.
Cat's gone to London now, and it makes my heart hurt. But then I remembered the wonders of technology and typed out an email for her, telling her what I'd decided, telling her I was going to miss her, asking about her new year... she replied, and part of it said "do you think the sick feeling might be partially excitement, too?" And I smiled... how does she always see right into my soul? I hope it's the first of many long emails. I hope we still share everything we always did. I don't see why not.
I'm afraid of the amount of people I could lose soon. But then, I remind myself... if they walk away, they were no good in the first place.
I talked to Rich a little. I told him the results of my STD screening, and said that I couldn't be with him again until a lot of things changed. I understand that he's sick, but there comes a point when it's just not a good enough reason. I spent so much time worrying about him and his problems, that I forgot to look out for myself. It's not healthy. I can't do it anymore. Honestly, I don't think I have the space in my head for a relationship right now... especially not one this intense, if you can even call it a relationship.
2010 is the year I start to get a little selfish. Because I need to put myself first for once in my life, before I disappear completely.
2010. It sounds crazy. Like a sci-fi movie, so futuristic!
Run more. It's the one thing that turns my mind off, I get into the rhythm, the music, the wind in my face, the scenery... and I forget. Book a 10k. And run.
Write more. Anything, it doesn't matter. Write for yourself, stop being so judgmental.
Read more. Anything. Just get back into the habit.
Watch less TV. I shouldn't just stare blankly at the box - only put it on if there's actually something to watch! This will be a difficuly habit to break.
Be selfish. Say no more.
Don't hide. Be brave. Stay strong. Do it for you.
One step at a time.
Smile. In the face of everything, just... smile.
You'll get there one day.