She needs to stop feeling gutted when someone's wedding invitation comes in.
These people have worked hard on their Families and deserve to have them, and it has nothing to do with her or the work she may or may not have done in her choices.
She knows why she is alone. The chains she has chosen to drape herself in lend themselves poorly to permanence.
But she misses her Families, as dysfunctional as they were.
Once you lived and breathed, were three dimensions of spectacular, and you let me dance in them. Promises were made. And then you died. A zombie-adult who cannot even remember what you've lost. One by one; the damned plague spreads, and I know it's not inevitable, merely common. You shut me out, and then shut down, and I hate you for it sometimes. I hate you for blaming me like... what, I was supposed to save you? And yes, perhaps I made mistakes, but that doesn't put your blood on my hands.
I tried to die with you, you know. To follow.
I do that. I need to stop.
I'm too stubborn to die.
What's beautiful in me remains.
Tarnished from too many suicide attempts to avoid being abandoned.
But there, a little cinder on the flagstone.
Watch me burn.
Maybe I'm spoilt.
Or maybe they're weak.
I want to touch the world and have it know I was there.
I want to be worth the air I breathe.
And I will. I will. |
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