you stole the ending of my story. | 06/18/2011 |
Sadness is all consuming. It eats you alive from the inside. Every small thing turns into a big thing. Every small frown turns into tears. You sit for hours, alone in your thoughts, none of which are happy. Finding something to smile over is as hard as finding a needle in a haystack. Your heart wants to eat itself. Your eyes want to constantly shed tears. Being sad is hard. Being sad on a regularly basis is awful.
People tell you to talk about it. That talking about it makes it better. That's not completely true, but it's not a lie either. I have talked about what's bothering me. I have analyzed it and tried to come up with a solution to dig myself out of this hole. Nothing works. All my ideas fail. At the end of the day, I'm still sad.
Shane's been gone for almost 7 years. It'll be 7 years on October 26th. Currently, I feel like it all just happened yesterday. I miss all the things that I always used to take for granted. That he'd get to stand up in my wedding. That he's get to be an uncle to my children. That we'd grow old together. That we would've spent his 21st birthday celebrating in a way that only he could imagine up. That he'd always be around to give me a push in the right direction. That he's always be there to believe in me. That he'd be there to protect me from the idiot boys of the world. That I could ask him for advice, and get the kind that only a brother could give. That if a boy hurt my heart, that he'd be sure to cuss him out, and maybe even kick his ass. He'll never get to do any of those things. I'll never get to do any of those things with him. He's gone, and he's not coming back. I know that. It's just hard to deal right now. I want him back. I want to be able to talk to him, and punch him if I want. I just want him around.
I know I have people in my life who can do and do the things I wish Shane was here for. My friends give me decent advice. My pops would go beat up a boy who hurt my heart. Denzel probably would too. The thing is, it's not the same. It really isn't. My friends aren't Shane. I don't have the same relationship with them as I did Shane. I don't trust them in the same capacity as I did Shane, obviously. Some of them, the ones I felt I could tell my problems to, have left me standing alone in the dark. Have taken my belief and trust in them, and tossed it into the trash. Shane would never do that. Shane couldn't do that. He's my brother. We had a relationship that I can't even begin to explain. No matter how hard the people in my life try, they'll never be Shane.
I just want a hug. A hug that'll make everything better. Take all this pain, ache, sadness away. I am tired of being sad. I hate it. It's all consuming and it's all I can think about. All I want to do anymore is sit at home. When i do make myself go out, I don't enjoy myself. I just make myself go because people expect me to go. I never enjoy myself. I want to be happy again. I want to go out and hang out with my friends, and actually enjoy myself.
Jessica told Denzel on me, but I don't think it's going to change anything. He helped me save myself from myself once. I don't think he gets a second chance. I think I have to beat this one on my own. Problem is, I don't know how.
I wish I was sad over something as ridiculous as boy, like so many people think I am. That i'm devastated over some boy who didn't want to appreciate me. That my heart's constantly frowning because of a boy who may read this. I'm not going pretend that I'm not bothered by it. I think being bothered by it makes me miss Shane more. This is one of those times where I could use Shane and his advice. I could imagine what he'd say, but it's the same of actually having him hear to say it.
i want something positive to focus on, only I can't seem to find anything positive to focus on. I hate feeling like this. Oh Jonas, how I hate feeling like this.
Shannon
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