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E. Quill's Diary
by E. Quill

previous entry: On the first day of Christmas

next entry: Thanks mom.

The paranoid is never entirely mistaken-Frued

11/26/2019

 

I feel so much better game wise. I took a step back and J took a step forward. It is fun again and I feel like I can breathe. I think that the third healer is going to fuck us over and I will smug as fuck put on my mock shocked face. A few people ask what I play. It's warcraft. My husband and I have been running a raid team for the last 7 years. I was hitting burn out and not having fun but this is my friend group so I kept going. I was finally heard and it has made a treemendous difference.

 




I hate talking about my inlaws here. I hate it. I don't think anyone cares to hear it and I don't think I'll feel nice reading it in the future if I ever do. My world is just small... I sit home every day. I leave the house once every two weeks, once a week if I am lucky. My husband even just picks up our grocery list. I play with my guild twice a week, at which tiem I am quiet and just happy to be be in on the jokes and chatting  and then no one really talks to me the rest of the week. Ocasionally I talk to my mom or my grandma and then Dh's family but thats my whole circle.Family, guildies, extended family. So thats all I have to write about. Tell me about the world please. I am beyond isolated and a third of my circle always seems to be undermining me. J's grandmother, sometimes his grandfather also engages in that to a lesser extent, my grandmother doesnt care what I say either and my mom  cares but  like..my love languages are words of affirmation and time spent. She doesn't really care if she sees me. She loves me but ..time spent doesn't matter to her at all. My guild is..half great. And its off season so like...everyone is checked out anyway.  I know it won't be like this forever but right now I am surrounded by frustrations and I don't really have anyone in my world to talk to besides my husband and  I try to not lay it all on him. I wanted to be a mom. I gladly take this isolation for my son but it would be nice to have a real friend who existed and I could see in the flesh(who I respect and like, you know what I mean)

My husbands grandmother is in over drive trying to fix things (aka browbeat my husband into playing along with the fucking fantasy world they created for Stephanie) She keeps texting him about unconditional love. Thats what she has for ALLLLLLLLLLL her kids. But its not. Its just for that horrible revolting cunt that is her daughter. I hope she gets run over by a monster truck or falls in a volcano. I am starting to really hate grandmother in law as well for her sneakiness and trying to force her hand into not just this instance but I feel like..our home and parenting choices as well.

Grandmother in law is a hoarder. She pays for five storage units. She keps tryign to give us stuff. She gave us a table and chairs  years ago and we got rid of the chairs because there were only 2 and we need 4 or we could have never had dinner with anyone.  They were broken anyway. We moved one out from the table and the spokes in the back came up. We tossed them. Like a year later she let us know they belonged to her grandmother and never ever ever fucking get rid of them.  To late. We have the table but the chairs are long gone. It pisses me off. don't "gift" me something that is really just you trying to find another place to store it. Eventually she will find out about the chairs. She asked recently if we had them in storage. J said "I have it" meaning the table. He is just buying time. Her husband knows the chairs are gone. He says when it comes down to it thats how he is going to handle it. "Papa knew"

She also has given us a lot of things to hang up. Specifically letters. She got us the letters of our name and then words that said like "you and me" or something for our wedding. My husband sat on the wedding one and broke it in half...so it was never up. The letters...they were black. but on the edges she bought craft GLITTER paint and outlined them in green and purple. we ddn't hang them up because um im over 30 I dont decorate my home in glitter puffy paint. I am sure she noticed her shit is never up. I didnt break the one pretty one though and i just never had the time to sand off the fucking glitter from the others because I'm not that fussed on us having out initials on a wall I have seen it look cute but  all of our stuff is like..brown and creams and old maps and maps we painted. Nothing black with green and purple glitter. Read the room.

 So the last time she came she brought us a coffee table. We have one in storage that we cant afford to go and get and another one my husband got from the resort he works at. When she brought it I said "oh well ill just move the resort one into E's room and order chairs. Its a perfect height for a childs table." I am almost sure she heard me say this but I feel so fucking crazy about all of her shit that I feel paranoid and I don;t know anymore.  So I did that and ordered some baby chairs in a weird circle shape so I could paint pokeballs on them. My sons room is very small. This house is small. Which is fine.  I like small just fine. I have it set up so its not cluttered No mess. I clean it every day and he has a crib, a mini table and some of those cube shelves where i put half clothing drawers and half are full of books.  That is basically all the furniture we can fit. On the remaining wall space I have his little people farm set up and all his little people trucks next to it and then his ride on fire engine. I'd like a shelf in the truck area but I don't have one and it might make it to cluttered so I just havent worried about it. 

So she called my hsuband this week and said  she bought our son a  little desk and is painting it red and putting pokemon stickers on it and mailing it here. Where the fuck am I going to put it? So now I either need to get rid of the table and the chairs I ordered special to paint (but have not yet painted) or put her stuff in our laundry room to store it...or get rid of hers. I am so upset about it because I feel like she just wants to decorate our home or use it to store her massive piles of crap she can no longer store. 

Also she told him she has another dining table and chairs and "I know it would fit perfectly on that wall" This is a very small house. Apartment sized. And I get that she doesn't know what we did pick up from storage but the first thing I grabbed was our book case its 3 feet wide and 4 and a half feet tall. So no it won't fit perfectly on the wall that you have been mentally decorating in our home. I would actually like a different dining table. I'd love to be able to say we'd gladly take it but given that even when we say no she sneaks a fucking coffee table down in her car I worry saying yes creates more problems than we can solve. The one we have in here now came from the resort and its a small circle and we have limited counter space so I often use it while cooking.  but like if we say yes...is it really ours?  or can we never throw it away? Does it open the floodgates? Its got me crazy and so everywhere I look all I see is clutter. I have been cleaning and recleaning and i took our a bunch of toys that seemed like strictly summer outside toys and had to put them in a "future" storage box. We have one of baby clothes in case we ever have another one but because of his grandmother and her weird hoarding piles she brings us (here is a bag of books some are board books but save the rest for years til hes old enough, and pajamas for a 5 year old.....) we now have to have a for the future box. I put the summer toys in there because after I put everything where it went i still had 3 buckets of toys I just had to ...put at the edge of the room. I needed shelves for his room. Not another fucking desk and chairs. but she bought it without asking. And its going to be on the pokemon theme...so like I am a major dick if we don't accept it or get rid of it...but  I loved that he had a table big enough for 2 kids even in that tiny room. but I reject it and then its just me being difficult to a nice great grandmother. Bad guy again. I feel like I can't win and thats my social circle  a third of people slowly undermining small choices so often that I feel insane and have no one to turn to. And I can't do anything about it because her daughter was way way fucking worse in a really mentaly unhinged way and so if I object to slow bulldozing of the small ammount of things I can control (my homes layout and decorations) then its just evidence I am  the problem and just against his mother and his grandmother and its because I am crazy. Death by a thousand shitty tiny things.


This is after the Christmas gift thing. 

She called and asked  if there were any "no" items on our Christmas list. because people gaveher kids playdough and she lost her shit over it. We said it was all pretty much fine. I have no objection to messy toys. Lets get them out and be creative. So she tried again...what about noisy toys that teach abcs..we said they were fine. She drilled in that they have batteries. We said that is fine. Then she brought up a prayer bear. My husband said nothing god or jesus but that a bear is fine.  Here is the conversation.
 

J-"No Jesus or God stuff but a teddy bear is totally fine."

GMIL-"You aren't teaching him bedtime prayers?"

J-"We aren't Christian. Bedtime stories every night. D says he is going into 24 month clothes" (See how he tried to get back on topic?)

GMIL-"What are you then?? You were baptized. Never mind. None of my business."

J-"You also practiced Wiccan stuff. Since highschool I was pretty vocal about being Atheist. But not really important<3 OP says also 2T is coming up but I'm not sure."

GMIL-"I studied many religions. Wiccans believe in God the creator. I love God I was baptized as you. Sorry that you think differently."

J-"I don't understand what you're sorry about. This is a weird place for a religious debate.He just doesn't need a prayer bear. I appreciate the thought though."



I am just beyond frustrated and I feel crazy I feel like she just asked because she wanted to get pushback and argue. I spent my entire childhood and much of my teens going to church every week. DH says they never ever went and he was never taught to say his prayers. I feel liek the desk is bait too. I am almost sure she heard me talk about moving the other table for the baby. She knows there isn't a bunch of space. I don't want to live in wall to wall furniture. I can't live in a horde pile. It is hard work for me to keep shit clean. Tidyness is not a natural trait I have. I work very very hard at it. Clutter is not part of that plan.

Oh and this is how we were invited to thanksgiving.
 

GMIL-"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"
J-"I don't know. I think we'll go to D's moms."

GMIL-"ok"

The next day

GMIL-"Can I have your address since I guess we won't be seeing each other anytime soon. I had hoped you would join us at Aunts for Thanksgiving but I guess not. Maybe someday. Take care."

J-"You can send things to WorkAddress. This is the first I heard of Aunt hosting thanksgiving."

GMIL-"Yes she is. I asked what you were doing and you told me your plans so I took it no further but yes you are invited."

Like I said I feel crazy and I feel stupid writing about it. But this is my world. A husband, a baby  My mom who is checked out from raising9 kids. 5 of her own and 4 cousins and so she just doesn't have it in her to invest in me and my life. My grandmother who listens but disregards everythign I say anyway and a guild I am just now starting to get to a better place with after few tiers of discontent.  Of the 6 humans I see in person only 2 don't stress me out. 

 In friend news Freds dad finally left his step mom. She is a peice of work buuuut once freds dad came down here to live with him..he just drank. A lot. He came to my husbands work (he is a salesman) and asked to tour with him. Then yelled at his boss and..uh my husband didnt get another sales shot that day because Freds dad booked his time. He stunk of alcohol..then when Fred came back after a month away said he didn't remember doing any of that and swore Fred never left town. When they took him to the hospital because he hadn't been taking seizure medication  they said he was so drunk that if he stopped drinking the withdrawl would kill him. J checked on him a few times a week for Fred. He convienetly doesnt recall going to js work or the big fights he had with Fred while he was gone. No one belives that.

C said she moves back in February. F says she always wanted to camp at her dads and smoke cigarettes and have babies and she got what she wanted.  She is not an option as a confidant and close friend for many reasons. It sucks. Because she is the only one who will be close by and she wants it but I can't bring it past casual friendship. It is shitty.  Arms length is shitty. Its ok. I am sure lots of adults only interact with family. Its not forever. 

Ugh oh and before I forget J's grandmother begged for a picture of our kid for like a week around Halloween.  When I last talked to her I told her we were not giving pictures to J's mother. She said she understood and resepcted our choices. On Halloween we finally gave her a photo after a few days of her asking because I am the one who makes sure pictures are taken. She text back "Can I send this to Stephanie?" and honestly it really fucked up my night. She text it to J so she didn't respect our choices. The first chance she got she went to my husband to ask him to try to get the answer she wanted. Like a 5 year old trying to get candy before dinner. Then when J talked to his grandfather he came with "Well I don't understand why we can't send your mom photos." and it is pretty clear this is coming from his wife because when J asks "o you think I should have to see my mom." his grandfather admits he also hates her.   I feel so angry and I feel like they are making slow small deliberate pushes to me to try to drive me over the edge and I feel like I am just going to fucking explode and then I get to be the crazy one. Everyone sees the outcome but they don't see all these small shitty things being done to provoke  No your horrible fucking daughter who sent pictures of my child to a man you say is a danger to children and lied about it cannot have photos of my child.  I hate her and I am starting to hate you. 

I'm going to go clean. Not that it matters. The house isn't the thing that is dirty. 

previous entry: On the first day of Christmas

next entry: Thanks mom.

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My in-laws are equally as weird. I try to spend as little time near them as possible, and am very thankful I live over 3,000 miles away. Though at least they don't push prayer-bears on us!? I'd never even heard of one... How obscene, yo! Though if something as terrible as a RACISM-BEAR or a BREXIT-BEAR existed, I'm sure Dani's sister would buy it for our kids. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!? x [The RyanStar] [reply]

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