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E. Quill's Diary
by E. Quill

previous entry: The sun stopped shining for me is all.

next entry: vague emergency

"She has NEVER put him first. " "You haven't always been there his whole life so you don't know."


But you have you asshole. And you knew she didn't put him first.  My wheels are spinning.

I found out recently why my husband hates hates hates to ask his family for help. When he was young. 10-13 ish. (He is at work and he needs happy feelings to do well there so I will not ask to clarify right now.) got into a bike accident. His face still carries the scars and one is on his lip and people ask if he had a cleft lip sometimes. Nope. Bike accident without a helmet when he was with his great grandparents.  The helmet part is shitty enough but honestly with his facial injury it would not have saved him, but it could have been worse and just like..fucking wear your helmets people.

Anyway after this everyone in his family talked in front of him and big arguments ensued about who would pay for the doctor. His face was hamburger. Great grands didn't want to pay it, he wasn't their kid, Grandparents who raised him didn't want to pay it because great grand parents were responsible for him at the time of the accident. His fecal particle of a mother who had legal custody of him didn't want to pay it. I don't know who eventually did. I know they argued in front of a child about what a burden taking care of his medical emergency was. And now he never wants to ask anyone for help ever because he feels like a burden all the time. Thats his fucking inner monologue of self worth. I am so upset.  I know he didn't see a plastic surgeon for his face either. 

Second story. This involves insurance fraud. By a 14 year old. My husband is tall but super thin. He should not have been playing football because he like...built for track you know? (He did do cross country once, in the new town he moved to but they were all fast and he was not and he was left behind in a town he didn't know well so he just went home.) Anyway so he played football and he said that was great because at the time he and his grandmother had moved across the state so she could open a restaurant. When J played football his grandfather would come and visit every weekend and so his selfish grandmother would get a date with her husband she moved away from by choice. 

One day not at school some of the boys played field football. My husbands shoulder broke. He told his grandmother and they waited what he says (and I get his perception may be skewed here.He may be misremembering but...fuck I don't think he is.) He says they waited a very long time to get him to the doctor like months. In that time the small bit of bone that broke broke down even more. Hes just missing a piece of shoulder now and he has a fucking pulley system in his arm. He told the doctor it happened at school. So that the football insurance through school would pay for it. He said he did this unprompted by anyone, he just knew they didn't have insurance for him any other way so he lied so he could get medical attention. He had to be his own advocate and thats the only way as a child he knew how to do it and that just...what the fuck. #!$@#$%^

He told me last night about another private medical issue. I knew he had a minor (They don't put you under) procedure to correct it.  He then went on about his grandma tried to self doctor this issue and would jam plastic and cardboard into open wounds to try to get them to heal the way she wanted instead of taking him to the fucking doctor and that his clothes could be stuck to him from being stuck to his years long wound. He told me it was from when he lived in the house on this side of the mountains and he didn't get the procedure til they moved to the other side of the state with just his grandmother.

Fast forward and I am there. One day right before my husband takes his annual business trip my husbands horrible mother called her step father (papa K) and told him to never be around her son again and screamed at him. Papa called us and was very upset and my husband told him to ignore his mother.

When we went to the airport we rode with my husbands mother. I didn't say a word and when we dropped him off she said "Well say whatever I know yo are thinking something."

I said something like "You always say you won't talk bad about J's bio father but you have no problem bashing the man who raised him who he thinks of as a father."  This blew her mind by the way. She called family members totally baffled that he would see the man who raised him and who he lived with his whole life as a father figure.

She then went on about how Papa K was garbage and how the marriage with her mom was so awful and all her mom did was complain about him and didn't even like him.

I said "I get that but I lived with Papa K before and he called her every day. J lived with his grandmother before that and she would be rude to Papa and then throw a fit if he didn't call so its possible she didn't have the whole picture and maybe she actually DOES like her husband"

This lower that shit human looked at me and said "He looked me in the eye and promised that my mom would always have insurance."

--Back story. Papa had a good job driving a forklift for a company and one day a coworker said something about grandma. Called her a name is the story I get. Slut? Bitch? Whore? I don't know. Anyway Papa got into a physical altercation with the coworker and lost his job with the insurance for grandma to get treatments for her iron excess in her blood. J had told me about this and about how everyone had been punished Papa for years about basically being the worst human alive for losing this job. Losing his job defending his wife. It probably doesn't make it any better but like..he reacted that way for her. 

I didn't put this together until last night.

Papa is the worst human in the world because Mickey didn't have insurance. But who cares about the kid who feels like he doesn't belong to anyone who everyone talks about being a burden in front of him. 

I guess this is one of those things Grandma M was talking about when she said that Stephanie HAD put her son before herself and done what was best for him.  Like you know, signing away legal custody so that her kid could have medical care from the grown ups who actually had the care of the physical child. 

Also. that slug of a human has had 3 fucking totally optional boob jobs. But you know. No money to get medical care for J.


I am trying to not write on the mil places I write. I am trying to take a step back. She isn't really in our lives so it feels weird to go there for active support. We haven't seen Stephanie in nearly a year. Since my sons birthday and not one word has come to her from us since then. 10 months. For around 2 months in the fall she was writing messages every week. "Still not talking?" "well?" She tried just about everything but an apology. She stopped in October and said she just couldn't handle the heartbreak of him not writing back. 

I feel alone and for sure like there is no one I can talk to.  I don't want to burden my husband with my rage and sorrow on his behalf that he didn't ask for but I writing here crying for the neglected  child he was. I am so angry at his grandmother for trying to get things back to how they were when like..what the fuck?! You want to go back to the fucked up as fuck way that led to all this in the first place?

When I think of that asshole looking at me, wearing her unnecessary, by choice, medical procedure fake breasts, saying "He promised me my mom would always have insurance."  I feel fucking sick. At the time I just remember thinking what a weird thing for her to be putting her hand into. I don't talk to my mothers husband about her insurance. What a weird thing to specifically promise your irresponsible party girl step daughter.  Now with more pieces of this puzzle. I just feel so fucking sick.

But there is nothing to do with these emotions. 15 years ago you let my husband suffer because his selfish fuck mother wouldn't pay to take him to the doctor and either would you. And I can't talk to my hsuband and bum him out at work and really I don't want to do it at all. I know we will talk about it. but like I hate when he says "I thought it was wasn't was it?" I hate that he is ever hurt and it makes me want to ...I don't know whats the human equivelant of rising up like the smoke monster from LOST and leaving a crater where their flimsy defense of their behavior once stood and salting the earth so none of that shit can ever grow there again?

My wheels are spinning. These emotions don't go anywhere. You can kick and scream all you want. You can't change the past. Get it back and make correct choices. There is no apology that makes it so a plastic surgeon was brought in to address my husbands scars, or bring back that chunk of his bone that disolved inside of him. Take back the torture of grandmas open wound medical treatment. Allocate money for a childs insurance over fake boobs.  Find outrage over a child not having insurance to match the outrage over a working woman in her (then) 50s not having it.   They want to video chat Monday. And come for my childs birthday (not Stephanie) and I will have to smash these feelings down. Nothing good would come of bringing it up but my revulsion is fresh. How could they be so careless with J? I feel so sad.

previous entry: The sun stopped shining for me is all.

next entry: vague emergency

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Christ, this is what happens in a country that doesn’t prioritise free healthcare for its citizens. Nobody in Europe can imagine this happening?!

I mean, the adults who raised your husband sound like terrible people, but Christ - they are having to make decisions that people in every other civilised country on earth is saved from. So so sad. X [The RyanStar] [reply]