Not Logged In
0
Your Username:
Your Password:

[ sign up | recover ]

E. Quill's Diary
by E. Quill

previous entry: Never miss an oppor-tuna-ty

next entry: The paranoid is never entirely mistaken-Frued

On the first day of Christmas

11/12/2019

J took over for me. We talked about how I feel fucking crazy about this bad healer thing,  how because my closest friend is up this ladies ass I feel fucking powerless, how I have burned out. I asked him if he could do it for awhile because this absent healer is fucking with my joy.  He said yes and he did and I feel the weight removed. Since she had a real medical thing that kept her out he said do the next tier and if it's bad again we replace her with our current warrior. I hope its true. Then he set a Ilvl requirement for the next tier. I feel in a way better place. I did join an Alliance guild though and I am super not cut out for it. They are super whiny is they get killed in pvp that they turn on by choice. Even WHILE invading itno enemy territory. "it's not fair" Are you kidding?  It is probably because I play on Moongaurd there but those are some soft fluffy pvpers. I get in conversations daily that I send to the TR Boardroom because they are so ridiculous. It is freeing too because with our team I am mostly quiet. Waiting for the hole in the conversation to tell a joke but mostly my husband does the talking outside of officer.  Here I talk because no one knows me at all. I think I have reported like 4 times for some hard truths. Shaman-"This kid won't res me. Ignorance."   Me-"Meh if you were good you wouldn't be dead in the first place." Shammy-"reported" And inside I wonder if they chose the sparkly side of the battle because they have a hard time dealing with critisim. Beauty hides so many flaws. The biggest complaint for Alliance is that they're so vanilla  that the only conflict they have is being victims of a world they don't seem responsible for and I see it in the playerbase. They only die in pvp because someone is being "mean" to them. Ok.



I got into an argument with my grandmother. She has a habit of having conversations, listening and then doing whatever she wants. Examples include giving me a gift of a silver heart necklace with purple gem stones. She said "I know you don't like purple jewelry or heart jewelry but I saw it and thought of you and couldn't help myself." I cried when I opened it. She overspends constantly and she heard what I said knew what I didn't like and purposly bought that thing. I know I am just an ungrateful piece of shit, but it was so deliberately against my wishes. 

Or at my wedding when my papa couldn't come she asked to bring her son. I said ok. She was mad I didn't invite uncle and aunts I hadn't talked to in years and years at that point. I let her drive me to the wedding. I get in the car with her and my uncle...and my fucking cousins are in the back seat. And then at the reception his horrible wife joined us. She told my crazy MIL that my mother is a drunk. My mom goes out like..2-4 times a year and I never saw her drink a thing til I was 19 years old.  I just lived with her for nearly a year, she is not a drunk. She has many other flaws but not that one. My grandma heard me say no, and she just did what she wanted anyway and it went weirdly, just how I knew it would. I am still upset about it and I bring up how rude it was to come to a wedding uninvited and she never apoligizes for bringing 3 extra unwelcome people to my very small  intimate just with people I actually care about wedding. I try to let it go but I am still so hurt by that.

Another time her and my papa came up for dinner to the city while staying with her favorite son. I gave them a time over an hour after my husband would get home from work. So he could get home and help me finish tidying up.  He got home and they were IN the fucking parking lot. They saw him and got out to go in with him. He had to tell them no because he knew I would be upset if they wandered up with him a whole fucking hour early when I marked that time to prepare the house. My mom works at the doctors office and always told me she had to tell them specifically NOOOOT to be as early as they were and they would wait for hours pre appointment. I wonder how much of their life was fucking wasted waiting because they would show up hours before things started.

Then this time. I invited her to decorate the tree with us. My grandma had liek 12 trees packed into our small house at Christmas and I always loved it. So I wanted her to come help with mine because I am a sucker for Christmas. Which is why my tree goes up right after Halloween. We were at lunch. I said "You can come at 5. E goes for a nap at 3, and wakes up at 5 (we are a 7 pm dinner family.) Don't come early because I have to do stuff while he sleeps and he is a mess if he doesn't get his nap in. and J gets off at 3 and helps me around the house til we get the boy up from his nap."

She said perfect she also got off at 3. She helps out an even more elderly woman in the community,I planned to make spaghetti. I told her we'd see her at 5. She messaged my husband  and told him she would  bring a pizza so she could spend more time with us. We thought that was a weird thing to say but said that would be fine. She never clarified anything. 

With daylight savings time I had been putting him down at 2 and getting him up at 4 in preparation for tree decorating day in case she snuck and came early I'd be at least totally ready at 4.  so I got him down a little after 2 and then cleaned his room and was just getting in the shower had my hair wet when the dog was barking. I go out and I see an suv and think oh J came home early to help me...but no. Its her. Carrying a pizza. I open the door and "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm here ready to-" "I said 5 I specified not to be early!" "I thought you said 3." "No I specifically said 5 because the baby just went to sleep. " I started my breathy high pitched panic voice that I wish I wasn't getting to know so well this last year. "I am not even showered!" Did I mention I am in a robe at this point a short robe on my porch dripping and yelling at her about how this is so rude and this is just like the time in seattle when I gave myself an hour" And shes just slowly walking up with the pizza and I said "NO you are absolutely not welcome. " And I shut the door and locked it.  I was so fucking mad. I am mad thinking about it. I thought she might be her usual asshole amount of early and had been preparing for that. But I said 5 don't come early and she showed up at fucking 2:40.  I messaged my husband and just started crying. I yelled at my grandma but I don't fucking know what to do anymore. I made myself as clear as I could. She told me she herself wasn't even off til 3. How the fuck did she get off before that and have time to get pizza and be here BEFORE 3?! 

J rushed home and she was texting him and she was going to come back at the proper time. And J had stuff to do when he got off work, so he had to go all the way back down (I live in the depths of the woods in deep OP) so he could pay rent. So when she got back he wasn't here and I had to explain like talking to a fucking child "Yea thattttts why I plannned for everrrrryonee to show up at the saaaaaaammmme time." She heard me, she wrote it in her phone. She just decides that what she wants takes precedant. And we decorated the tree when J got home, but we had to rush and reheat the pizza a little after 5 (we eat early when we have guests who like to eat early, ) like the whole thing was such a shitshow and dampened becausof everything that happened . And I feel like the asshole because I yelled at her but she was 2 hours and 20 minutes early after I said DO NOT BE EARLY AT ALL!  I don't know how to get my words to be respected and it is really frustrating. Talking nicely doesn't work. I love my grandma and I like spending time with her but my house is small. There isn't a place to put her while I am cleaning. I feel really shitty about yelling and locking the door. I just don't know how else to be heard.
 




In other news I got a plastic Christmas village my mom got at dollar tree last year. I was going to toss it and get ceramic ones at thrift stores after the holidays but when I got out decorations E went crazy for the little plastic houses so I got out a while peice of sparkle felt (I craft like a child) and cut it in a snow patch and put the plastic houses on a low table for him. Most of his playing involes me setting up his toys in cute arrangements like they show on the box and him taking them down anyway. So he wanders around with a tiny post office and a few times a day I put the small village together again. I'll get a nice one later but this is a nice way to feel like he is a part of Christmas. 

I also got him a step 2 gingerbread house. Its like a mr potato head but with candy decorations for the roof top. He sometimes puts the candy canes in the holes but mostly I set the house up and he comes up and looks at me like I am crazy and pulls each one down one by one. 

He brought me a diaper the other day, so he is getting a potty chair for his "Need"  gift. 

I like him so much. He is my favorite little jerk.  I was going to get him a play kitchen but I ended up getting him more little people stuff. He has the farm and now he'll have the jungle and like 40 new figurines because I buy them like fucking candy. Its a problem. A few educational toys, Alphabet magnets and some lacing toys and I just need clothes, books and the potty and his stocking. Almost done. Maybe we'll do the kitchen for his birthday. And a big boy bed. He could probably do that now but I really like him penned in. Sometimes I hear him talking to himself after bed time and I really am not ready for him to get out and play by himself. 

 


I was bugging my husband about Thanksgiving. I don't care what we do husband but please pick something. So we decide we will probably just go to my moms. His choice. 

Then he gets a message.

-Nana-"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

J-"I think we are probably going to Danielles moms."
 

Nana-"Ok"

The next day
Nana- Please send us your mailing address. As it seems we won't be seeing you anytime soon. We had hoped you would join us at Aunts house for Thanksgiving. Maybe someday. Take care."

Holy fucking passive agressive guilt trip.

J- "You can send stuff to WorkAddress. I didn't know Aunt was hosting Thanksgiving until right now."

Nana-"That would be why I asked what you were doing. You replied so I did not take it further but yes you are invited."

He did not respond but instead got ahold of his aunt. Since he was raised by hs grandparents she is an aunt sister hybrid. We can't afford the trip right now but we would have loved to go and see her. I can't believe those messages though. Your very next message took it further don't pretend it didn't you manipulative nut.  Ask like a normal person. 

Her pushing of trying to get him to interact with his mother has him saying he doesn't really want to see his grandmother either since everytime is just an ambush to tell him to talk to his unmedicated insane mother.  Oh I am sorry according to Nana she IS medicated. Self medicated. Awesome. When I had a horrible talk with her about it I said we do not want J's mother to receive photos of our child. She said ok. She said she would let J handle things how he wanted to. Then sent a big thing saying that her brother caused her mom so much pain. Like..comparing him to the brother??? When they visited waited til I was out of the room to try to talk him into making up with his mom. Like I am the one who forces him to not talk to her. Hahaha. Ok. Then she was asking for a photo for many days pre halloween and accused him of not sending them because he mad she "spoke the truth and she was being punished for it" about him needing to make up with his mom. It wasn't why. He is just mentaly lazy. Pictures happen because I make a point to take them and tell him to send them to people. Men often get a pass to float through life and its kind of bullshit. Not all, but I am not the only woman hauling around the mental labor of being a  family. It is constant work pointing out I am not the only one who knows the next step of basically everything. But yea it is never going to occur to him to take a photo for you. Not anytime soon anyway. So we send her a halloween picture. Her reply? "Can I send this to Stephanie?" 

Fuck off.  I was so upset. My wedding was about her, E's birth was about her, E's first birthday was about her and look just another holiday you need to bring the fucking cloud that is Stephanie to rain on. And it was after I said no pictures to her. I wish he would have said "Why give her the photo of the grandchild she isn't sane enough to be around? Isnt that just mean?" But he just said no and maybe he would post one later. It just pisses me off. Its a 5 year old move to ask one parent and then another to try to get the answer you want. 

 


C contracted J and said she was moving back up for good soon. That they fight all the time. I think her dad is not thrilled. He seemed excited and ready for her to not be in his space. Now hell be raising her children til he dies.  She said that lil B spent more time at the other end of the house with her dad than with her because you know free reign and thats just where he wants to be. I wonder what her next step is.Who knows if she'll really come back. Floating is one thing. Its a scary thing to think of with small kids. 

 


I feel restless lately. I want to work on my sewing but I am not sure exactly which direction to take. I was making a little christmas tree toy but it wasn't working  properly so I stopped. I was doing food but I have such a long time til his birthday now. I am not writing as much as I would like. I dont have a great spot for painting set up. I need a place to art and something that brings me joy from doing it. After E is put down for bed I feel myself kind of listfully wandering around  A lot of the things it just feels like once I get it set up it'll be around the time we go to bed and I'll have to take it down so E doesn't get into it the next day. I need art in my world and I feel the lack. I have endless supplies. Inspiration is just out of reach. I wish I had art friends. Someone to come over and make shit with me. 

previous entry: Never miss an oppor-tuna-ty

next entry: The paranoid is never entirely mistaken-Frued

2 comments

[ add comment ]

Add Comment

Add Comment

Please enter the following WHITE digits in the box below.

Confirmation Code

What game do you play? I'm a gamer as well; I heal in a raid team (and dps as well in another raid team).

I'm sorry to hear that your grandmother has been causing all this unnecessary issues for you. That sounds exhausting and upsetting. *gentle hugs*

[-LOKIStar] [reply]






Damn, I'm sorry about the drama. I can undertand that. My MIL is... well... difficult. Last year there was thanksgiving drama because it was my mom's turn for thanksgiving and we didn't show up for pie at MIL. They were so pissed at us--- ME in general, because after all, I CONTROL MY HUSBAND. Anyhow, the kids were exhaughsted from Thanksgiving at my family's(thats why we didn't go have pie at MIL's). MIL came over the next day(without asking) and yelled at my husband for 2 hours.

This year we are doing 2 THANKSGIVINGS. Thursday with my family, and Friday with MIL. She says, "because my family seems to get us all the time" Um... I remember screwing my family the previous year because you guys had a TANTRUM about us going to my mom's because THAT was supposed to be their year instead.
I hate this time of year because of them.

Anyhow, I totally get the drama if you want to rant to someone. What game do you play? Hubs is a gamer(though hasn't played in a while). I like games, too, though I'm more of an "old school" type.




free_gifs_lyricalpoets_by_gregsep
[Ethan JamesStar] [reply]