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E. Quill's Diary
by E. Quill

previous entry: I only leave footprints in time.

next entry: All I want is not to die on a day I went unseen

My head can't tolerate this bobbing and pretending


My son ended up so sick we had to go to the ER to get his temp down. He was at 105. I'm so annoyed she tried to tell me her kid ate soap. Fuck you. Now I have an expensive ER bill and I kept worrying he would dehydrate and die in front of me. And I had to miss raid. Fuck you.

We had a really horrible raid season. We had 4 people take a month off mid season. One was a couple who miscarried. One was a girl who needed surgery on her uturus and the last was a dude with kidney stones. Ultimately it doesnt matter how good your reason is. Not here means all gear you have is wasted. Then the couple came back for 2 weeks...and then took another week off for a trip.It has by far been our worst season as far as being behind. I get that its no ones fault but when the couple left for another week there was talk about not working for the kill since they would be left out. They missed 5 weeks. And 2 of these people were healers. I just want to get to the end of this season and get into off season. Move forward and not dwell on this. I get that emergencies happen. I fault no one for needing the time off, but I hate that we're the assholes for wanting to push forward when we're so very very behind. 

Oh well last boss. Almost there.

Grandparents came to visit. J can't get time off. There has already been some passive agressive rudeness. 

They are having issues with their property. They get water from the property next door and the dude they bought the house and property from. He is considering selling to a couple and this couple does not want to continue to let them get water through their land. She has said she will take the dude who sold to them to court. She flubbed up when on the phone and said "And tell him I'll see him in Jai-- In court!"  Whatever its a shitty situation. But the kicker? Its a Hispanic man and a white woman and she wouldn't have a problem if it was just the two of them but the last people who moved in it was like 30 of them. " She doesn't mean people. She means Hispanics. You know, because some Hispanics live multigenerationaly and she is racist. And she never SAID that in the car of course but here is how I know that is what she meant. The reason I no longer have Facebook is because of J's grandmother. She was my friend and she posted a joke about rent prices and then said she would never live with 30 people like Mexicans. I unfriended her because she posted racist shit all the time. I felt badly that she would know I deleted her and didn't want to tell her it was because of her constant racism and I decided to just delete my facebook rather than deal with it.   So I know this is like her go to when talking about Hispanic people. 

My mother is a whitish woman married to a Mexican man. My moms white nieces and nephews are the ones that moved in with them at different points.. His family never has. The racism is just tacky and gross.

Everytime we hang out with her she wants to eat seafood. Everytime I explain I don't eat seafood. I explain my family were fishermen and I am the black sheep disapointment hahaha look at me self depriciating because I have a food preference. Today after it was said liek 15 minutes later she said "With your family being fishermen and you JUST not liking seafood, I mean I could understand if you were allergic." Awesome. I am only not allowed to like something if I am fucking allergic. For the last 7 years every single time we go out to dinner she orders a drink (I would really prefer that no one drank around my child. I never saw my mom drink until I was 19 years old. You don't NEED a drink in your hand but whatever she doesn't get sloshed it isn't worth fighting over.) When she orders the drink she has to be difficult, order something complicated and not on the menu, or lecture the waitress(who does not make stocking choices) about what alcohol brand the restaurant SHOULD be serving. Then difficult about when the drink comes and its not in the glass she wants or whatever else. It has never been a simple order where she is satisfied. She likes to be an expert so she needs to educate the staff every single time. So its cool for her to have preferences, but I should really only have preferences if I have alergies. 

The last time she came she asked my husband if I was co-dependant. He said "Yep and so am I. I like my marriage that way where we go everything together and she does part of the things and I do the other part." So, when I was a kid my great grandma had a boyfriend, they split up my grandma told me that her first husband they did everything together, they would mow the lawn and do a little bit then take turns andthe other would do a little bit. Her boyfriend would get upset that she would "take" it from him and if you want to do the thing then just YOU do it. So they didn't work out. I always remembered hearing about how her first husband they did everything together, did all the bits and pieces and I always thought that sounded nice. I wanted a marriage like that where we worked like a team. I have that and I really love doing things with my husband together. I cut up the meat and veggies and he does the actual cooking bit. Everything is team work.  J's grandparents lived on oppisite sides of the state for at least 10 years because she insisted on opening a restaurant on the other side of the state. She then would be angry if her husband didn't drive the 10 hours every weekend to go and be with her. She insists he cared more about work then his family, but uhhhh she is the one who cared so much about being her own boss at a restaurant that she left her husband and moved across the state.It's fine that she doesn't get our super clingy marriage. It isn't for everyone. We wouldn't want her marriage either.  Anyway. She said at dinner that now, in the last 6 weeks I guess since we saw her last that they are inseparable. I  had to hold everything in me back to not be like "Wow sounds a little co-dependant." I did not do that.

Then she made a remark about how she knows when they come it is "disruptive" to our lives. It was bait and no one took it. This is because J dared tell her that she needed to give us dates she was going to visit. You know because we are adults and when you drive to visit adults you should ASK if they are available. Not inform them what is going to happen like children. They of course told us they would just entertain themselves while he was at work. They also informed us how much it cost to visit us. If you're spending such a pile of money why would you not want to wait til J can take a full day off and spend time with you? J would prefer to have time to see them but if thats not a priority I guess thats fine. That she tried to twist it into them being "disruptive" was rather fucked up. She just wanted us to fall over ourselves "Oh no you aren't disruptive." and ultimately she isn't but uhhh we never said she was. She is just fishing and I am sure trying to make it like I was the one who had an issue with her telling us what was going to happen. Nope. Her adult grandson with a wife and child just asked you for the dates you planned to be in our town and you wanted to throw a bitch fit because how dare anyone question you.

Then she talked about those movies we "let him" watch. The phrasing was careful and kind of rude sounding. She is talking about Disney movies, and I guess how I shouldn't let him watch tv.  Then she like pivoted when we only said positive things about how we liked them and then suddenly remembered that J also grew up watching Disney movies. Which she now needs to get out of storage to give to us and the player. We said we had just been buying them and she got upset. "Yea but dvds!" and we said no and she insisted if we bought them now they were dvds. He explained we got digital copies of Alladin and Lion King and few others. She seemed upset about it. Of course she was since she thinks we want every fucking thing from storage. How dare we not want old boxes of VHS movies. 

Recently she asked for the at least 25th time if J wanted his stuff from storage. "You really need to decide."  And he told her he wanted none of it. Throw it out. She then said "Well I'l hold onto it for E and hell want to decide." because she didn't get the answer she wanted. J mentioned getting curtains for E's room in a fabric he had pajams in when he was 4. She said "Oh I am sure I'll find that to bring soon." No. Stop. We don't need  20 year old clothes. If it was one or two pieces this would be fine but she saved every single item and each one is aparently to special to part with.

She brought E a book and J thanked her and to be nice played it up. "We read to E everynight, thanks so much we were getting burned out of the books we have."

"You know what that means? That means I need to go into storage and find all your old books."  Fuck no it doesn't. Thank you for this ONE book. We like it. Thats it. Quit hording.

Then she talked about how she had some dream and she didn't want to talk about it. Then told us it involved her husband being dead and me being in labor and how she was there and I was having twins and I aparently had 2 at home. And just kept going. J was like "Oh I thought you said you didn't want to talk about your dream and here we are talking about it." because he takes no shit from her anymore.  I first saw red because I thougth she meant when I was in labor with E and I am still very angry she showed up at the hospital by saying "Is this the address? I'm in the lobby" right after saying she understood we didn't want anyone there. Then I realized she was talking about future dream kids and I just started taliking to E "Oh you don't want any siblings do you? Yucky!"  We do want more kids, but it took awhile to get pregnant with E. Who knows if we ever will actually have another.  For whatever reason it feels like jinxing it to talk about it like that. Or have other people pressure me. I took it weirdly far the other way I guess but like..what if we had been trying unsuccessfuly? It was just a weird thing to say and I got weirdly defensive and went hard the other way. I'm embarassed we even talked about it all.

And so they're here another night and so they drove all this way to buy us dinner twice. And we aren't in the place this week to buy them dinner back. Maybe in a week, or a week ago but you know we're the kids so who cares what kind of time table we have. And we have house repairs we need done but we have not had a chance because every day its a new thing someone else wants of our time, and they're entitled to it I guess because I stay at home so I should be at their disposal. I'm just tired and I know we have another night of weird passive agressive comments.

previous entry: I only leave footprints in time.

next entry: All I want is not to die on a day I went unseen


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