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E. Quill's Diary
by E. Quill

Mama didn't mean to make you cry


Fuck. I am still here in my moms house. 

It's awful and I need out.  I really wanted to be out by Christmas. I am not. I know I am the worst and should feel bad about myself. I do. And I ca't complain or cry because I should just be grateful. 

So I just shh.

My kid needs a new car seat. We only have a 2 door car now and it doesn't have those anchor hooks so I have to find something small that won't roll from just having a seatbelt. 

E is very very tall. 99th percentile and then 50th for weight. So tall and skinny.  He is still bald.

I feel like I sit around all day and have to tell him no. He wants to get into things or run around and this house just isn't set up for a baby.

I made him one of those no sew blankets for christmas.  On one side its a pretty swirly galaxy type blue and purple and a bit of tealish green. The other side is the teal colour. It was a fun project that I had to splay out in the living room to do. We bought him dino jammies in those colors too. I am sad we can't really do any of our own christmas traditions yet. 

Yesterday J's grandparents came. I love his papa but his grandma is so ...much.

She argued with J about service dog laws. He works in hospitality and deals with those laws regularly. But she decided she was an expert. 

She kept making remarks about how he should look for a job in her town still.  She wants him be a delivery driver for Pepsi. I am sure thats a great job but he is missing a fucking bone in his shoulder. She knows about it. She is the one who didn't take him to the doctor for months and allowed the bone to disolve.

Also we should buy a house in her town. That she told us was dying. She no longer has a retaurant there. Her mother passed away 6-7 years ago. Her son moved away and the only family they have left is  very sick and probably doesn't have tons of years left. But yea we should move out to y our dying town. 

She also told me that she  like dhavig her kids 3 years apart because she got ot do all the fun stuff with her daughter, then  as she went to school she was able to take her son to things like "I would take him to mcdonalds because those are the things i used to do with her and when id pick her up from school shed be so mad haha."  I think when you have two kids and youre getting a treat meal you take all the kids for the treat, Not "well 2 years ago on this date you got a treat so he got one to make it fair. I owed him for the past treats you got before he could eat solids."  So she loved having her kids 3 years apart so she could turn them against each other. Awesome.

Between her and my mom it is just a lot.

The other day we made spaghetti. We use a slow cooker and add onions and red pepper and hen we cut open one jalepeno and put it in the sauce just to add heat but not eat. Then we make pasta and then  you get your pasta and scoop sauce on top.

We asked my little brother if he liked spaghetti. Yes he wanted some.

My mom was at work and I said "well we have spaghetti and when you get home we can start the pasta and garlic bread."

She said ok and I said "I don't want to brag or anything but we think this is the best spaghetti we have ever made."

When she got homewe put the pasta on. And promptly my ltitle brother asked for left overs. 

"The pasta is boiling." I said sadly.

"Well its 7 o clock what do you expect."

Growing up my family always ate later. Now the often don't eat til 8 pm. But my not having this little shits dinner ready was the problem.

Then my 18 year old brother decided on left overs too.

And then my mom...ate left overs.  For some reason they were all starving to death at 7 on this day only. "Well I thought you had it ready and the spaghetti already mixed in,."

"We don't do it that was we put the sauce on top."

"Well thats just sauce then thats not spaghetti the noodles are spaghetti."

"I text you and told you that i hadn't started the noodles or bread yet."

"It tastes better when its mixed in and soaks into the noodles."

"We like it this way."

Then we had a large bowl of pasta left at the end of the night because everyone had decided to not eat the food we made...  We put the pasta in a bowl and then cooled the sauce to put in the fridge.


"No mix it in!" She objected.

"What like one serving of pasta?"  We heat the sauce the next day for putting over pasta.I dont want to slow cook one bowl of pasta all day when we reheat.

I just didn't understand why it was such a problem that I make spaghetti different than how she makes it. I don't recall her ever making it growing up, My grandma did but my mom was more likely to make lasagna. 

Also I make brownies in muffin tins. I get a remark "I just make it in one pan." Which isnt what she means at all. She means I am doing it wrong and i should be doing it in one pan just like her. I like that they are individual servings and clean up is easier. I did make one pan of brownies here once. No one touched it. When I put it in cupcake papers people ate them.

I also have always made J fold the towels the way my mom taught me. Thirds and thirds again. One day she comes to us "I don't know why you fold towels that way and maybe its ok for YOUR house.-"

I cut her off "I only do it this way because i thought it was how you did it. I'm just trying to make you happy."

She keeps going on and about how they don't fit in her hall closet that way and how she never taught me to fold them that way.  I said "Thats fine  I can do them whatever way you want. I was only doing it that way because I thought thats how you did it."

She had aparently rehearsed a speech so she needed to finish. "Well that might be ok for your house but not here blah blah" 

I didn't get it. I said I would do them whatever way. I also pointed out I was only ever trying to do them the way she taught me as a little girl.  I only ever did them the FIRST way to make you happy.  I wont do that if you dont like it. Just please stop. 

Also as a kid my mom would put a water bottle in the freezer and then give it to me the next day for school and it would slowly melt and I would have ice cold water. Its how I like my water now. I buy bottles and throw them in the freezer BECAUSE MY MOM DID IT FOR ME WHEN I WAS EIGHT.

She pulls them out. Not because there is no space but because "That bottle is going to explode,"

"No it isn't. Thats the only way I drink water. They never explode, They have that little bubble of air and its just plastic, not glass." So she couldn't smash me down about water that way.

Except my siblings came for thanksgiving. J and I had bougth a pallet of water and we told them they were welcome to have any. My sister ended up with a bladder infection.  So she drank a lot of it. No big deal. We can get more water. My mom makes a big deal about how she can replace the water. Ok I say thats fine.

Then she comes home. With gallon jugs of water and puts them in the refridgerator because my way is just wasteful.  Well it's not because I drink more water that way. I don't want to go and get a cup and have you tell me how YOU use a cup since my way will be wrong and then i have to drink it and imediately wash the cup and put it back in your horde cupboards where there is no room for them.

We also buy the wrong milk. We buy 2 percent because..when I was 16 and babysat my brother for my mom she bought the 2 percent with the red cap and I noticed that and so as an adult I go and buy the red cap because thats what I fucking saw at my moms house. And she scoffs at the milk I buy now. Because I guess she has evolved and buys the 1 percent now.  J prefers the red cap. So now she will buy milk 2 at a time so there is no room for us to have milk in the fridge and I can't help but feel it is on purpose.

And when I was growing up I had a uncle and he would say shit to me that hurt my feelings Stuff like "She is 6 how come she doesn't know how to make a hot dog or microwave a quesadilla? " And it make me feel badly so I try not to do it. did make me want to learn to do stuff on my own. 

But my youngest brother is not growing up with the mom I had. She babied me sure. But this is so extreme. She takes off his shoes for him.  She POURS HIS SYRUP.  He is short so she acts like he is very young. She wants me here so he won't ever be alone after school. He is not 5 or 6. He is 11. When I was his age I was babysitting.  I could have been alone for 2 hours after school. I wasn't because she ran a home daycare at the time but this kid is infantilized to the extreme. 

On thanksgiving she was getting eggs ready for deviled eggs. He asked for a egg and she said no you can have one of those other ones in the second batch. He said "one of these?" And started opening a carton. "After they're cooked." She said trying to shoo him away. I picked up a rollo candy to distract him. "Here have a candy instead and go play." He looked at her and reached with her to the candy "Can you open it? My fingers hurt." And all my fucks. She unwrapped the candy for this middle school boy. He is the last one and she wants him to remain 5 years old and it is really awful to watch but I am just trying to lay low and survive til we can  get out of here.

She tried to tell us that bears were coming for their trash more now that we were here because she has weird trash rules too. She tried to say something like "In the last week bears blah blah."

I didn't tell her we'd been hiding our garbage in our room and making J take it to work for that whole week.

I may have repeated this. but we just have to go beause I can't be responsible for everything wrong with her house anymore.

And she says all of this..nicely but I feel like its the between the line stuff. And of course I just have to be grateful. I need space. Yesterday. I wish I had better things to say to show progress in my life but I myself am treading water and watching my kid try to use his head like a pinball in a machine and see if he can hit every surface and get all the points.




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Omg he is so cute!!! [.Kismet.] [reply]

How does a bone-shoulder dissolve!? I am mortified, and as a massive hypochondriac will now spend the rest of my days concerned that bits of my body are dissolving... But dude, that woman sounds like a piece of work. x [The RyanStar] [reply]

I cannot even begin to stress how much I relate to your relationship with your mother, my god. It’s gaslighting and it is so stressful to be around. I’ve been living away from my parents property now for two years, but I swear I still have ptsd from it even though it was nothing that seemed extreme- but daily belittling like this takes a huge toll. I really hope you guys can move out soon ❤️ [head.above.water.Star] [reply]