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E. Quill's Diary
by E. Quill

previous entry: Smile Smile Smile

next entry: The sun stopped shining for me is all.

Collect memories, not things.


I didn't want to write this. 

We had a storage unit up north. I asked every single day if we still had it what was going on. I am a worrier and I point out rapids from miles down river. I knew my husband had some sales rescinded so I was worried about keeping everything. We managed rent and the car and insurance and groceries and thank goodness I had been buying Christmas stuff since May. Of course not everything was so lucky. I know I should be grateful but I just don't have that emotional capacity right now.

At one point Fred was going to go get it and J was going to go with him. We weren't sure which day it would be so one day I get a text from J saying grab the key Fred is going to bring you food to eat for lunch and dinner and if I can get the day off tomorrow we're leaving right this second.  He could not get the day off. Fred decided instead of driving to get the key from me he would cut the lock off. I said this was stupid. They ignored me. Fred got there had his hand on the storage door and said he couldn't cut the lock. J and I try to get up there one time and get a load of books but we didn't have the uhaul space fred had that first day. I grab most of our paintings and a box of skeleton keys from J's great grandmother. My clothes are left because we are supposed to come back up for another load. I stay home in jammies most days so I have a total of 2 outfits which was fine..I had clothes. They were just in storage. 

My husband told me one day that he had one day to pay to not lose the storage unit. It was 11:45 pm. 

The next day at lunch he called to tell me that he got the day wrong and it was sold to strangers that morning.

I had a sim card with weddding photos. I have no wedding photos. My mom bought me a coach bag around the time E was born. It was the most expensive gift I ever received. It was in there. My trunk desk I have used since I was 16. The couch, the table. My antique tables. My wedding shoes. Oh did I mention my clothes? I have 2 pairs of pants and 4 shirts here.  Everything I brought down here for the summer. The felt food I had sewn while pregnant to give to my child for next Christmas. All my wedding decor. My signed book by my favorite author. Our friend Lori died and her husband brought me her jewelry box. There were 2 things worth money the rest was sentimental to Lori. My antigue globe collection.

J and E have all their clothes here. I grabbed his special family heirloom when we went up last time. I feel particularly targeted. I looked out for everyone else and no one was looking out for me. 

I asked him over and over and he just thought things were meant to work out and be ok and just lied.

I know he lost things. I know he didn't mean to do this.

I know Freds one day of fucking me over is not responsible for Justyn losing everything I own.

I have been going without with this whole "Well I have that in storage." and just staying home and waiting.

The paper with our wedding vows on it.  The wooden key we had our friends sign as our wedding guestbook.

My bedframe from the 1940s.

I spent so much time in the months before we moved paring down to just the things we truly loved. 

If I died tomorrow it would be like I never existed. 

I got rid of so much. I think of the time I spent sorting things when every single items fate was to leave me. How the fate sprites danced around me laughing as I lovingly smashed everything into boxes while pregnant and exausted. I don't think of myself as materialistic but this was a kick to the heart. I have never felt so betrayed and I know he is hurting too and I know he is sorry but this is a huge blow to our relationship. I hug him and tell him I love him because I remember that I do but right now I feel dead inside and like my gestures are hollow. Going through the motions til I can look at him without rage and sorrow.

He didn't even tell me so I could try to help. The lying makes it so much worse. Lying is such a huge deal to me. Fred is not welcome here because even though this was 99.9% J's fault I can't forget that if he had made the 20 minute drive he could have just emptied it all into his uhaul that day, but I wasn't worth it. I am a sub human to the two real humans.  And since I already in this thing with J...Fred would be a target for my over flowing storm of emotions if he ventured across my path.

I feel dehumanized. I don't own a single thing that is more than a year and a half old. Think of everything you own, every piece of furniture, every scrap of paper. Every knick knack you put on your shelves. I was already a minimalist. I already didn't have very many things. I tried to keep only those things that made me feel good to see and use.  It is like grieving, only the departed is me. Nothing before my son exists. Any trace of who I was before or what I cared about was thrown away. My husband threw me away. He was telling me everything was fine. I feel alone and sad and confused. I feel like this is something you do to someone you hate, so what is it that he did it to me? His words say he loves me and he is so sorry and blah blah his actions were throwing away everything I own while he has over 40 pairs of pants and I have 2. I just..I don't understand.

Oh and guess what was in there? The only existing photographs of my father. Which makes the situation with my grandmother so much worse. I can't spit in a tube and tell that girl about her criminal bio father and have not one photo to show her of him being a nice person.

I cry every day and I find myself wishing my husband was sad like I am sad. I wish sadness on my best friend. It feels so shitty. And I feel so small for caring about any of this stuff.  And it doesn't matter how mad or sad I get. It won't change or fix anything.   Whats done is done.

previous entry: Smile Smile Smile

next entry: The sun stopped shining for me is all.

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I am holding you and sending you so much love through this. About 8 years ago the same thing happened to our storage unit. My mother was dating someone who had one in another town and that relationship was toxic. They ended up getting confused with everything going on in their lives and they paid his instead of hers, which was full of my childhood hers and my sisters memories... A notification for a late pay was received but ignored.. Long story short, the entire unit was auctioned off and we lost everything in it. I know its just things. I know it doesn't change anything. But it was an emotionally traumatizing experience. She tried to contact the party that bought it all, they let her go and get a couple picture albums but that was it. I know this weighs on her to this day and my dad, although they are not together and I think he has forgiven this as it did not weigh on his as much, still occasionally comments on "what was lost"... You are very important and you are valuable and your emotions are so valid for what you are experiencing. I am sorry that you had to have this happen and I am sorry for the pain its caused you. I am sending you lots of love and prayers and healing. Do not be so hard on yourself. Do not harbor this as your fault. Everything happens as it should and even though what is done is done, you get to make new memories and hold tight to the ones in your heart. You are not alone. xo [fireworks] [reply]