Just sitting at home. As I do everyday.
Up at 8.
Mini muffins, fruit and yogurt for breakfast
Deconstructed turkey sandwich and more fruit for lunch.
The days are the same. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ That isn't to say they aren't joyful. But I'm not sure how to make Lego time and the little people farm into anything worth reading.
I am trying to sew my tiny food. I have an idea for a felt wall hanging Christmas tree. You can buy them on amazon but erm...I want one I wouldn't mind looking at. So I will make it.
I want to finish them in time to give them to a silent auction for my tribe. I silently stalk their events. I want community. It's the only one I can think of that isn't a church. So I observe and try to find the doorway to being included. I am wary. The one who runs most of the stuff is a cousin who was very unkind to my mother when my great grandmother was dying. She was angry my mother wasn't there every day. My great grandmother insisted in staying in her home and she only had one child, (who was also sick and ended up dying right before her), who had 3 children and my mother was the only responsible one. My mom had 5 kids, 4 at home...pluuuus my aunts 3 that she was supposed to watch for a single summer, and instead the family pressured her to keep them for 3 years.
So my great grandma's nieces and nephews came to help out and would call my mother and say horrible things to her about not doing enough, while she already was supporting 3 extra children . My great grandma had ONE child. Her best friend sister had NINE. Of course there were more people to help their own mother, and my stubborn grandmother also chose to stay in her home past the point of being able to care for herself physically. But it fell on my mom, and I guess the niece I was about 19 at the time and lived in Seattle.
And that is why I am nervous to try to join in. I feel guilty that I didn't go stay with my grandma, or like the cousin will also berate me like she berated my mother so many years ago that surely she no longer remembers. I remember though.
I have this vision of completing my unimportant little crafts and sending them to the silent auction and just showing up and somehow being a part of things. Maybe go to the basket weaving they do, read about the language. But I am not a joiner by nature. So it's difficult. so I just quietly sew my felt projects knowing I won't be done in time anyway.
Raid season finally ended. Usually we go full nights to get the achieves after but J went to 2 hours immediately. I am frustrated. I like to stay consistant.Next time someone will point out we did it this was and never remember the other way, This was the worst tier. Attendance was shit. Even if people were coming they weren't filling out invites. I was getting really really frustrated. I spend a lot of time and now my husband was spending an extra 2 hours confirming numbers every week. I think next tier will be great but I am so fucking glad this one is done. The healer we picked is..good but unreliable as fuck. Which makes her the very worst healer pick we have ever had. We had 25 nights. She missed 11.
She is really nice and the things I like to do in game are the same things she likes to do. For whatever reason we are not clicking though. Our communication isn't great. I can't figure out a way around it. Our other healer is currently Kis. Who after pushing from Team Rocket West finally met up with our other healer who lived in her neighborhood. And she loves her. So whenever I bring up how shitty her attendance is or how she doesn't communicate she just bends over backwards defending her. I never said she wasn't nice, but your heals are shit if you aren't here to cast them. And when I specifically try to talk to her and get silence back in healer chat we aren't solving any problems.
I know Kis misses her DK though so I don't expect to have her come expac as a healer. But one more tier and then I have to rebuild the heal team. And I don't know what to do if the absentee healer wants to stay on as a heal but also be gone a lot. I KNOW she went though medical stuff, as did 3 other people. Hopefully it was a fluke and attendance fixes itself. And I have to admit I have a bit of excitement about picking at least one new heal come 9.0. And I am super excited for 8.3 I am sure it will come sooner than I would like. It is always shit when they open a tier around the holidays. Coming up we have Halloween on a raid night, Thanksgiving, Christmas eve and New years. All of which we of course cancel, but then people travel around that time. Its like 2 months of team wide plans. Which would be fine if we were still in off season. So game gods if you could just wait til January to drop the content... maybe we could hit the ground running! If not meh. At least we know it is coming.
I feel in such a better head space than I was. That took so long waiting for everyone to come together. We should have killed it awhile ago. I needed the win. I was feeling really under appreciated and shitty. I haven't posted pictures in ages though and I need to do that. And its October and for the first time we haven't done Fall for Fall...is November still Autumn? Can I pull it off? I am debating joining another team Alli side or on Classic. I love my team. I just would like to be anonymous. Not have to be the only one keeping track of everything everywhere. Sometimes I just want to show up and get into my zone and heal and not have to use my brain, just relaxing dragon killing while I listen to shitty music and no one expects anything of me but showing up with candles to buff the raid, Where if it goes badly I can tell people to fuck off and /gquit.. I need more community. Specifically I want to be included but not responsible for running anything...but then you know still have my real team that I am already invested in and already care about.
I am going to go watch Dark Crystal. Again. It has been on repeat for weeks since the new show came out. My husband asked me if I would rather design the puppets, make the puppets, do the voices, or act with the puppets. I said design and make the puppets.The art is so damn good. I wish I spent more time with people who were making things with their hands. My art projects are nothing. I want to see what real artists are doing.
I want to be the Gelfing that gets to play in the library. I am sure I am the Ritual Master Skeksis though. There is a scene where all the Skeksis are eating and in one shot hes just..messing with something on his plate. Is he taking it apart first? Lining it up? Making sure it doesn't touch? Fuck I dunno but in that moment I knew that was my skeksis. Assigning meaning to routine, now it's a special tradition. And now I am the ugliest bird lizard of the bunch. So I write, trying to find the patterns and the meaning in my days where no one sees me, making things no one will ever see.