Tired and accepting the inevitable

He's very busy and his mind nevers stops. He has a huge heart and despite how I've treated him, he loves me enough to keep pushing me to be a better person.

I realized how bad things were a few different times horrified that I could treat this man I love so dearly in such ways. Never cheating or anything such things related. 

Yet it wasn't enough for me to be terrified enough to actually do something. I couldn't find the energy or the motivation to do anything about it past a week. Until two weeks ago. 

I ended up in the hospital. Again. I have type one diabetes and I don't even know for sure how many DKA experiences I've had. I know one time it was so bad I was hallucinating and I was extremely close to death. But that was like 3 years ago. This recent experience was different. 

I had gotten super drunk with my friends on a Saturday at my house. Sunday, I didn't leave bed except to pee and drink some water. Monday, I went to work at 10:30am. So I left my house at 10am and then arrived home around 7:45pm. Worst part is I didn't take any of my medications. Even the insulin. I didn't even fucking check my blood sugar!!! God dammit I can not believe how stupid I was being!! That night I felt so terrible and realized I didn't take the damn insulin and had my test kit and insulin on the fucking bed with me and never did anything with it. 

My heart broke. 

When I finally woke him up to take me to the hospital at 3am I knew he was gonna be irritated. This literally was brought about by me being a childish 25 year old. I could have prevented it but I felt sorry for myself cause my hangover made me feel icky and tired. 

I got back to a bed pretty quickly. When I realized they were having trouble getting blood out of my arm because it was too sludgy, I got scared. I prayed I wasn't going to die or do any sort of damage too badly to myself. When I realized my blood pressure had been a steady 90/50 I became even more terrified and anxious. Because my resting heart rate was still 140. 

A week afterwards I was just about back to where I was before, being childishly lazy. 

And I screwed up again just on one thing. Just one. I had done 10 or so other things right. Maybe 20. But he came back with a bad taste because of how important that one thing was. He was exhausted. And I was about 10 or so minutes late getting him from the airport. Because his flight landed 20 minutes earlier than the internet said. And I didn't get his texts or any phone calls. I was using my phone (which I had JUST found after 4 days) instead of his phone. That I had been using for 3 days. He didn't even THINK to try my phone that he was SO happy I had found so he wouldn't have to buy me ANOTHER phone. 

And so here I am again not being considerate enough about him. And I'm letting it make me feel like crap. He does so much for me and I can't seem to be like him enough to realize how he wants things done or how he does things. 

I'm so angry but still so heartbrokenly disappointed in myself. 

I always remember (hours or days later) what I should have said to defend myself on why he shouldn't be so much of an asshole. Because I know how many times he's dealt with on not being able to rely on me to be there. 

But I feel like I deserve to have him realize that it was never my intention. But he knows that and so do I. The pathway to hell is paved with good intentions. 

So I'm laying here in bed at 1am. Feeling like my heart has dropped a few inches, along with my soul. 

Yet I'm determined to keep fucking trying. I may fuck up every single week. I may fuck up multiple times a day. 

I want to be happy. That means creating my own joy. To stop relying on others for it. I will find a good reason for everything. I will shout it out loud or whisper it in my head. I will smile every day. If I catch myself not smiling I will put it right back up there. I will get my house spring cleaned properly. I will listen to more music and study properly. I will take control of my life and use all the resources I have to do so. 

Since I live in Florida, we just had about a month of half winter and half fall. I expect spring to be early this year. 

If I fail in any of these areas, I won't give up and feel sorry for myself. I will sadly smile and tell myself that next time will be easier. And start learning from my failures and mistakes and be an adult. 

I won't have a husband who can't trust me to be there for him. I feel like my heart is literally starting to fall apart at the thought of pushing him away. 

I want to cry. But he has made his decision to stay with me through thick and thin. Fun and scary. For the rest of our days together. 

This will be my best decision ever. 

This will be my greatest achievement yet. 

I will be a better me. 

But I still have a heavy conscience but a heavier heart. I can rationalize the brain. There's no reasoning with the heart though =/