After what happened to me during my travels, I don't seem like I have grasped the idea of living a normal life again. I don't want to sound dramatic and say I have PTSD, (and they say don't Google your symptoms) but I googled all my symptoms.
At first I honestly thought I was going crazy, I honestly believed that I was losing my mind.
Ever since the incident happened, I have either had bad dreams, or not slept at all; in the past month I must have slept three hours a night on average. I am mentally exhausted.
I dream about many different bad things rather than just the one situation.
First of all, a lot of my dreams have HIS face in them... and I find it so interesting how in my dreams, my emotions are magnified so much more and turn into overwhelming situations. HIS face ends up in my dream, and I feel this emptiness (even worse) right in the pit of my stomach, I feel dizzy, scared... terrified actually.. I dream about seeing him for the first time after the incident.. and me not being able to speak or run.
My main fear at the moment is being uncontrollable physically...
I have nightmares of being held down by strange men. I have nightmares of being chased down by more strange men.
This whole experience is a nightmare.
When I am not dreaming of being out of control of my body and emotions, I am not dreaming at all because I am not sleeping at all...
I lay in bed with my eyes closed, expecting myself to drift away into dreamland as most people would, but instead I lay there with my eyes closed for about an hour straight, not falling asleep, not feeling tired, and creating stories in my head.
I am not able to control anything in my mind right now.
Another thing:
I cant let Kyle be ontop during foreplay anymore. Like yeah, it's nice and all, but sometimes when he is kissing me somewhere between my boobs and my pelvic bone, I cant see his face, and that scares me.... sometimes he will be laying ontop of me in the exact position that HE WAS.
I have flashbacks, I see HIS face, I see HIS SKINNY PALE BARE ass in my mind. I cant get the image out of my mind.....I am scarred, I am scared too.
and i don't believe its ever going to go away.
I cant afford a psychologist, and my medical aid doesn't cover one.
My mom knows what happened to me, I told her because the same thing happened to her when she was a young teen. Unfortunately I dont like to talk to her about it because she thinks that I have gotten over it and that it doesn't bother me at all... she thinks that I am okay... and I am afraid that when I bring it up, It will become very emotional and very personal, and that is not what I am looking for right now. Right now I am looking for answers, I am looking at ways to solve the flashbacks and the nightmares. I am looking at means and ways of being able to fall asleep at night.
I just wish there was a psychologist covered by my medical aid.
Next week I am going to book an appointment at the doctor, I would like to go in for a blood test, and a pap smear. Kyle and I have done a very irrisponsible thing my having sex without a condom (I am on the pill) after what happened to me... Who knows what HE had. That's why I am going to the doc, and I have told Kyle to go for a checkup too...
I would like to rule out any complications and possibilities that what happened to me may affect me negatively when it comes to having children one day (that is the one thing I am looking forward to most in life).
I am falling apart silently, and I don't think anyone is noticing but Kyle.
I feel broken, like you just can't put me back together again...
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