.11.

The pangs have definetely passed. I am with Master because he is good to me, without fail. He cares for & respects me to the core. No, we don't always agree. Yes, sometimes we are slightly volitle. But...I believe this is human nature.

B is being a princess, taking her nap. Shes always good at that though. She gets worn out way easy. Scratch allthat..shes up now haha 2 hour nap. She's being suchhh a diva today...very clingy. C just went down for his first nap of the day, he's teething and & wow, hes been a crab! A is just being what I am starting to think must be a typical 4 year old. Loud, rude, demanding, whiney - tells me he hates me, that he doesn't love me - of course, always when I say no. Right now he's laying on the couch screaming because I told him he neeed to finish what is on his plate before he can have more. So frustrating. B still doesn't talk... the docs all say theres no physical reason, that she wouldn't and justto work with er but I do- I do allllllll the time. I am NOW. I'm not sure which of us is more frustrated...if anyone as advie, it would be very appreciated.


Master has yet another poker game tonight. Woo. Can't wait for it to be over...I might be being a litte selfish here, but, I want him to be here with me asap. I miss him...call me silly, but, whatever. He has to be at work by 7 every day, so hes leaving when I am getting up...not many places will hire someone with a felony on ther record tho...much less 2. Ugh, hes sooo reformed now though, its stupid. He'd never do what he did again. It was over 10 years ago, for fuck sake! I guess inthis economy we should just be glad he has a job.

I've found myself again in a battle I thought I had long ago conqured - an eatting disorder. My sense of self is so effing distorted...all I see is fat fat fat. I am aprox. 5' tall, and a size 4, having given birth multiple times. I have made a living at several points as a model. I have years of therapy and treatment telling me one thing, but still all I see is fat. Master is bringing pot home again tonight, purely because he knows it will get me to eat. When he said that...ugh, I think it really hit me. He's not the mst observat man lol...for even him to see how much its bugging me...ya

I found the yummiest tea ever...vanilla caramel. Mmm mmm mmm. Gonna go have a cup. And do laundry. Ewwwwww. I hate laundry.