Too Weird for You? | 02/21/2014 |
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21st February 2014, 9.41 PM.
Ahh, the inspiration has come back...for the moment. This layout's background is so cool. ^_^
I've been wondering: am I too weird for anyone?
The first actual friend (other than the Abric students who came to Shard...still, I didn't know them very well, then) I made when I came to Abric was Jasmine. I thought she was a pretty nice person. I guess she assumed the same to me. I had this wild imagination that we would be close friends (I know, I know, don't be too quick to assume things about people). However, when school officially started, I discovered that she was not my type. In fact, she was the exact opposite of me. I don't mean this in a nasty way. Thing is, she's nice, yes. She's quiet, yes. She's just, you know...more matured. Unlike me. Yes, I am physically matured. However, I am not mentally matured. On the first day, when we met, she stuck to me. She was very shy and I, friendly as always, reassured her and told her that there's nothing to be afraid of - it's just a new school! She talked to me, then. Now she barely converses with me. Now that she's seen my true colours (when I first meet with people, I'm very shy too, and you won't know the real me till later), my extreme weirdness, my hyperactive self, my loudness, my lack of shame, my over-enthusiasm, and especially my annoying (to some others) habit of singing...let's just say that we don't interact much.
Around the same time, I met Little Flower, or L.F. She's from Wave Town (my nickname for her school...), another Russer Mud school and she's really small and her voice is cute! She reminded so much of T.G (speaking of T.G, she really has changed now...), I just gave her a nickname that also had an acronym for it.  We were pretty close for a while and she even gave me this blue bracelet. Then, she started hanging out with Nausy (a friend and classmate of mine). I didn't think much of it. It wasn't anything important, she was only hanging out with another person, it's not like anyone's about to do something fatal or whatever. However, L.F just didn't hang out much with me anymore. Even in Science period, when her seat is next to mine, she sat behind her original seat, which is beside Jasmine. I reminded her of her proper place and asked her why she wasn't sitting there but she merely flashed grins at me. I just shrugged, rolled my eyes and sat in the empty seat since my bag was taking up like, three-quarters of my own seat. No point in making a big deal out of that...I mean, we're Secondary 1 now, there's no time to fuss about friends like in Primary school. We're becoming too old for that.
However, I've begun wondering, though. Am I too weird for them? They've only known me since last year (most of them), they're not like my friends from Shard. They're not used to me. I'm a new girl to them. Furthermore, I'm a new girl that's been elected to be a prefect. How is that fair to them? My aggregate score doesn't speak for my personality and my attitude, you know. Why would they choose me? I'm only a goody-goody girl in the beginning. As time passes and I get comfortable, I show my true self. I have the Falling Down Syndrome, as nicknamed by the boys. I can't sit still, I tilt my chair, I hang from the table. I sing and I hum. I hug people, I snuffle people, I meow at people. How is that normal?! Yes, normal is B O R I N G but is it worth it putting up with such idiotic jerks who call me all kinds of names?
Oh my, I did not just call my friends idiotic jerks...sorry!
Anyway...I am sick of people! I am tired of those who treat me as though I'm a child when they themselves are the same age! I hate it when people don't think about how their words affect others! At the beginning of every week, I think to myself, "Okay, this time, I'll stay quiet in class. I won't hug anyone. I'll be silent, vigilant, and independent." Guess what? I FAIL. Every week. I fail to control myself!
Let me ask you something: would you prefer a strict teacher or an easygoing teacher? I would prefer a strict one. Why? A strict teacher helps me control myself. She or he ropes me in. I'm not as loud. A strict teacher is like...a sort of antidote. Yes, that kind of teacher may be someone you might fear because he or she is so strict, but remember, it's because he or she cares. You may not like it when you get scolded but it's for your own good. As it is to me. I am ashamed when I get scolded. I make up my mind to be better next time. Yes, that so-called "promise" may not work out because your enthusiasm would probably fade by the time the day has passed but at least, you were willing to repent!
You might be wondering, "How do you know that a strict teacher keeps you controlled whereas an easygoing teacher does not?" Let me give you an example. Remember Mr Shade, my Maths teacher last year in Shard? He is a retired teacher. He is patient, willing to explain again if a student does not understand. He is also very strict. It wouldn't do for someone to get him riled up. Seriously. Don't make him mad. In his class, I stay quiet (most of the time). I try not to sleep if the period is in the afternoon (sleep tends to hit me in the afternoon, it has nothing to do with my 50-50 hatred for Maths. ^_^ ) and if I get sleepy, I go to the bathroom to wash my face before I doze off. I pay as much attention as I can (focus is something I need to practise...). You see, I'm not as wild as I usually am in his class and it's not only because I am slightly afraid of him. It's also because I respect him (oh hey, I just realised that everything my teachers have ever taught me about respect is true!). I just do. I praise him to my parents. He's one of the best teachers I've ever had for Maths!
Now, let's take a look at my current Maths teacher. She is Ms. Marbles (my nickname for her) and she's very easygoing. I think Maths period has got to be the noisiest period in my timetable. The boys won't hesitate to make noise and as a result, that triggers me. No, I'm not blaming the boys. I'm not blaming Ms. Marbles either. I'm just explaining how I react to certain class conditions. I dare to fidget around and initiate the Falling Down Syndrome in her class. I dare to make noise and retaliate to the boys. In short, I am the opposite of Jasmine, who is so quiet, so studious, so serious, and rarely smiles back at me when I smile at her... Also, according to Ms. Marbles, I'm the only girl who doesn't know how to behave. Yes, Ms. Marbles, that's true. Did she have to *bleep* say it to the whole class, though? I know how to behave, I just don't apply it. I know myself. Humiliating or embarrassing me won't change anything. It'll only make me angrier.
Do you understand now? However, writing about this made me realise something...the truth is, in actuality, I don't respect all of my teachers. If I'm not as quiet as I was in Mr. Shade's class, it probably means that I don't respect my teacher. I can't believe I just realised that!
In addition to being the new girl, as I have previously mentioned, I am also a prefect. I'm beginning to think that maybe I should have declined. I'm not fit to be a prefect. If I can't control myself, how can I control anyone else? How can I tell anyone to remain silent when I myself cannot remain silent? How can I tell people to behave when I don't freaking behave?! I thought being a prefect would help me. I thought the responsibility would pressurise me into becoming the not-as-weird-as-I-am-with-people girl. Instead, I am a bit under pressure...but I'm not changing.
I thought that maybe I had to stop being so friendly all the time. I had to stop hugging people. I had to stop smiling so much. In short, I thought that maybe it was time my smile turned upside down. It didn't work out. Already on the first day of the week, I couldn't resist hugging my favourite 'sister' in Abric (we call our seniors "abang" and "kakak", which means "brother" and "sister" in Malay. We are brothers and sisters in Islam, after all). I'm trying...I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to be more in control of myself but nothing's working at all. Maybe I'm not even trying. Maybe I need to try harder.
Or maybe I just don't care! I know this isn't a big deal at all, these are just stupid childish problems but it's not about my so-called 'friends' this time, okay? It's about how I feel about people! My father is right about humans bringing nothing but trouble but that doesn't mean I like being a loner, does it?
Hope you had an awesome day, everyone. 
"Life is like a rollercoaster." - Night Star |
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i can completely relate. i am so sick of people and their boring shit. would be so much better if we were actually allowed to punch said idiots ._.