Pondering Thoughts | 06/19/2017 |
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19th June 2017, 5.34 PM.
Ugh. I don't know what I'm doing.
I think I'm starting to figure out what my problem is? Well, no, not really. I've always known what my problem is. Laziness. That's it, really.
They say that all you have to do to change, to be a better person, is to learn from your mistakes. I do, in the sense that I recognise just what I'm doing wrong in my life. Then...why do I keep making the same bad choices over and over? Do I forget the consequences? It certainly seems like it, especially when I'm trapped in the daze of idle video binge-watching. Then again, there's the constant nagging thought in the background that keeps saying that I should be doing something else, something more productive. So, no, I highly doubt that I simply 'forget' when I'm caught up in reenacting the things I said I wouldn't do again.
Bad habit, then? Maybe so, for certain things. But not the things that I'm referring to right now.
No. It's all me. I'm the one who chooses to waste time. I'm the one who chooses to sleep late and end up napping the entirety of the next day as a consequence. I'm the one who chooses to plunk my stubborn butt down in front of the computer instead of continuing with my Ten-Year Series.
So where exactly do these characters keep getting the fire and drive to "do their best"? To continue till they achieve their goal? Why don't I have the same determination? Is it just some trait that some people are born without? I don't believe so. All that only raises more questions. If I'm not experiencing the same fierce determination that driven people do, then...does that mean that I don't really want to change? That I don't want to achieve my goals? I don't think so. I want to get 7 A1s. I want to get into that Motion Graphics & Broadcast Design course. And, as horrible as this sounds, I want to prove that I'm better than Potayto.
Hah. Just saying that already makes me a worse person than her. As well as an ungrateful, horrible friend.
Hm. I feel that it's a case of gratifying my immediate desires instead of pursuing the long-term achievements I yearn for. I've been coddled my whole life; I at least have enough intelligence to recognise that. I'm lucky. I've got everything anyone could possibly need - a comfortable home, a loving family, and all the tools needed to score. So, just like any other lucky person, I throw it all away. I take things for granted. I get complacent, I get lazy, I waste away the natural intelligence that I've been blessed with.
Huh. Just like a pig. I eat, shit, and laze around. That's my problem, isn't it? Ironic how, despite everything I've been given to help myself, I continuously choose to destroy myself.
Oh. This is by no means meant to be a self-pitying entry, at least this time. These thoughts have been floating around in my head for a while and I wanted to compile them into something coherent so I could try to understand why I'm such a waste of space. I guess I simply have poor decision-making skills. Nothing more, nothing less.
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