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I'mStillTatartot's Diary
by I'mStillTatartot

previous entry: sick baby, sad mommy

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How do you deal with a controlling person?

03/15/2015

Is exactly my question. I've been dealing with this for the last two years with my fiance. He doesn't like me going anywhere unless he is with me, I'm definitely not allowed to go hang out with my friends that are guys (even if he is with me), and if I do go out, he wants to know where I am going, who I'll be with, what I plan on doing, and what time I plan on coming home. He snoops through my phone call log, text messages, and my Facebook messages. I can't even just say hi to a guy without him giving me the third degree about it. Who's that? How do you know him? Is he an ex? Did you have sex with him? He blames it entirely on the fact that he has issues from a past relationship where his ex cheated on him several times, and now he has trust issues because he is scared it will happen again. I went through the same exact situation that he went through with my ex girlfriend. I spent 2 years with that girl, just to find out it was wasted because the whole time she cheated on me. But do I have trust issues with him? Do I use it as an excuse to be insecure? Do I snoop through his phone to know what he is doing and who he is talking to? No, because the past is the past and he isn't the one who wronged me. I've been with him for 2 years now, and I've never given him a reason not to trust me. And I should also mention that we do have a daughter together, too. I don't plan on just up and leaving him after 2 years and a child together, even if I could. I do love him, but it is getting to the point that I just can't handle it anymore and I want to leave. What if it gets worse? If it hasn't changed at all in the last 2 years, it never will. I've tried everything to get him to realize that I won't do anything to compomise that, but he just won't get it. I've even had to take my daughter and go stay at my moms before because I couldn't take it anymore. It just keeps going full circle back to his ex and those problems. What should I do?

*EDIT*
I should add though, he is NOT a horrible person. Except for moments like stated above, everything is great with us. Everything else about him lights up my life, and that is why I love him. He is wonderful to our daughter, and he does take care of us, especially when I was pregnant and didn't have a job. He supported me my whole pregnancy and stuck by my side. His insecurity is the only flaw about him and our relationship. So by no means am I trying to give you the impression that he is a mean, abusive, controlling freak, because he isn't. Keep that in mind.

previous entry: sick baby, sad mommy

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If you have been together for 2 years and he is still doing this I would say he needs some serious help. I am not sure it will get better without someone helping.

Best wishes hope all goes well for you.

[stickbug7Star|0 likes] [|reply]

first, no, it is not ok. This is not normal. you are trying to normalize something that is not normal.
He needs to understand how you feel about this.
If he's not willing to change on his own, then maybe you can offer to go with his to get therapy.

[A RedSox FanStar|0 likes] [|reply]

Its never going to change. I went through it for 10 years with my ex-boyfriend. I stayed for far too long and I rationalized it in ways that looking back I can't believe. I stayed because of his daughters, they needed me because I was the only constant in their life, the only one that was there for them, the only one that financially provided for them. I stayed because we had a son together. I stayed because I moved from MI to FL for him. I told myself that at one point I had chosen this for my life and now I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I stayed because I was lonely, isolated, broke.

He would not let me have guys on my facebook, even if I had known them longer than I had known him. He would not let me speak to my oldest son's father. He would not let me meet up with classmates to study for exams. He would not watch our son so that I could study. I was terrified leaving our son with him when I went to class because he wouod stay up all hours of the night and I would worry he wouldn't get up and feed our son. He wouldn't let me go see my family in MI unless I brought his daughter with me (At my moms expense of course). He wouldn't let me go hang out with my high school friend that had moved to FL unless I had at least one of the kids with me. When I got a tattoo (for HIS kids) he didn't talk to me for 3 hours because I didn't consult him first.

It won't get better unless you demand change and counseling. I left when the abuse became physical. You're worth more than this.

[~*Queen Bee*~|0 likes] [|reply]

I only got into the this entry two sentences and wonder wy he is your fiancé - that is a huge thing. I am not one to be controlling or to be controlled. ANYTHING you want to do, within reason, should be cool. Not allowed to go anywhere without him, think about that statement a bit. HIs idea of love and my idea of love is apparently very different. My girl goes and does as she pleases and I do as well, we choose to spend most of our time together and have a fantastic relationship in part because we don't try to control each other.

[TheHighlander|0 likes] [|reply]

Just tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable that he doesn't trust you and that you'd like the same trust that you give him. Despite everything you have been through in your past. He needs some piece of mind because it's his issue. I am open and honest with my boyfriend that I have a child with, and he has never been this way with me even though he has an ex wife that cheated on him and left him numerous times. He won't change unless he gets some type of counseling.

[shelby :]|0 likes] [|reply]

Thanks for the support guys. I never brought up the option to try and seek help for him, so maybe it's worth a try, but I dont know how he will even react to something like that. Either he will be like "Yeah, maybe I should" or he will brush it off and say it's not a big deal. Who knows.

[I'mStillTatartot|0 likes] [|reply]

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