I don't know how to deal with my feelings at the moment....
So, a few things have happened in the last week or so. I guess my SIL was "stalking" (for lack of a better word) J's facebook page and asked me if the pics on there were of his ex-wife. I told her I had no idea, so I logged in through my phone to take a look. And, yes, there are many pictures on there that I had never seen before of him and his ex-wife. I realize he has this "past"...shit, I have a past. We all have pasts. But the pictures bothered me. And of course, my brain is trying to tell my heart to get over it because he can't change his past and I know this. But the pics still bothered me. Am I being irrational?
Then, today, I find out that his ex-wife has been stalking his Bloop diary. Thankfully, no one knows (not even you guys) which diary is his and I don't believe that people who read him know which diary is mine (not that it would be all that hard to figure out). However, I feel violated. I feel like she could have come close to figuring out who I am and that it would have become an issue. I'm very sick to my stomach over this and I really can't seem to figure out why. He's moved on....he's waiting for his court date to finalize the divorce...it's over between the two of them. Maybe I'm afraid, even though I know that he won't, that somehow she would be able to convince him to go back and work things out. Obviously, if that's what he really wanted, I would not stand in his way and I would let him go.
Maybe I'm just afraid that I'm going to get hurt in all of this? I just don't know....I'm very conflicted.