Honestly this may not make much sense its just me rambling since I feel mad. I've got food/eating issues and I'm trying to avoid eating anything just because emotionally I'm feeling upset. I know I've got this complusive eating issue. These last couple of weeks especially since I can't afford my medications I've been eating to cover up my feelings. Usually on my medication I don't feel as much or notice as much as its way easier not to just eat for no reason. But at the moment I'm fully aware of everything and completely able to act or react. So to stop me from crying, or pacing, or screaming I've been eating. Which means I'm already fat so now I've just gained 15 pounds that'll take months to get rid of. Fuck me. I'm not saying this is anyone's fault but my own. I know I have these issues, I know this about myself, I've known for years. Its hard to deal with, its hard to handle at the best of times but I was losing weight. I was doing sooooo good until...I don't even know exactly what set it off. I just know that I've noticed it today mostly since I was standing in front of the fridge with a tummy ache looking for something to eat when I wasn't even hungry. Which made no freaking sense whatsoever. So I stopped myself but than like an hour later I was actually eating something and I thought wtf am I doing? I wasn't even hungry, and I didn't feel good but even though it was my tummy that hurt I was still trying to use food to take the pain away. Its some internal thing, I know it is. Mentally and emotionally I'm sad and unhappy, nothing seems to work but nothing is really wrong either. My body hurts, I've been sleeping like crazy when I should be doing homework and I've been ignoring how dirty the house is. I've been trying to get Cliff to clean it since he has no job, constantly wants me to buy his cigarettes and does nothing but sit here around the house with nothing to do. He's so freaking lazy. I don't feel very appreciated by anyone and this constant need to have someone make me feel special. Why can't I just feel special about myself. I can't I just be superhuman, keep my house clean, go to school, work and take care of my kid without feeling like I need someone to hold me at night. I feel like a jumble of mess. I can't figure out what to do. But I do know that I need to stop eating, like not eating totally but get back on a schedule where I'm eating regularly and not constantly. Grrr I wish I knew what to do.
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