It's been over a month since I have written in here, wow...
So, since that entry about my Dad, I emailed him. I told him everything I thought. I was really nervous about it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I just couldn't hold my feelings in anymore. When he got the email, he called me. He told me he was angry at first, but then he realized he was the one who caused this. He felt so bad. He said that he didn't check in with me as much because I had always been more stable. He didn't think I needed him calling all of the time. He realizes now that I do. So we talk every Tuesday, and he texts me to tell me he loves me every night. It feels really good to have the same attention he has been giving my brother.
I have actually been trying to rebuild relationships with all of my family. My Mom and I never saw eye-to-eye. I felt she stuck her nose in where it doesn't belong, and that she was too judgmental. I just ended up hiding things from her, then I would have to lie to cover my tracks. It doesn't feel very good, and I HATE lying. So, we talked. She told me that she realizes that I am now 27 years old, and that she will back off. I still find her sticking her nose in too much, and I just let her know to back off and she does. We don't fight anymore. And I am lucky to have a Mom that cares, because not every body has that.
My brother and I have been writing. He is still in prison, he will get out in November. He has always pushed me away because he thought I was being judgmental like Mom (see above), because I do ride his ass a little bit. I told him that I would never place judgement on him. Anything I say comes from a place of love, and I will help him any way I can. So I guess I am the one learning to back off a bit. But he will be on probation until February, and my Dad says that he will make a trip out to Colorado with my brother to come and see me. I haven't seen my brother since he was 15, he is now 23. It's been a long time.
I have been working on connecting again with my Grandma and my Aunts, and they seem to have no interest. Or their lives are too busy. I have called my Grandma three times, I talked to her once for about 5 minutes and she said she would call me back the next day, never did. I called twice after that. My Aunt Leica I have called and left a message once. I haven't tried too hard with her because I don't like the way she treats my Mom, so I guess I just don't bother. I did talk to her son for a few, my cousin, he has always been my favorite. And I just finished an email to my aunt on my Dad's side. I know she will write back, and it's been forever since I have talked to her.
As far as my personal relationship goes, it's good. My boyfriend surprised me last month and came home from North Dakota. He was supposed to just be here on days off, then found out they got laid off. He just started a new job today. Not as much money, but I still don't have to work. And I told him about this diary. That is a HUGE step for me. I have had a diary on here on and off since I was 15. That's 12 years! I used to write here when I was married, with Tyler's dad, and now D. And I never told anyone about it, because I vented here. This was my safe place. Well, I don't have anything to vent about D, and I feel like I could let him into this space. It's nice to be open. He doesn't know my username, and if he ever asked to read it, I know I would let him.
And lastly, school. Whew, they really stepped it up from my last class! I am in psychology right now, and I have so much more work to do now! And it's more difficult. Yeah, yeah, I know it is supposed to be hard. But I thought it was a gradual thing during your introductory courses. Nope. Buuut..... I am passing with a 95.86%! It's awesome. And I am learning a shit-ton about myself.
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