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Stay Sane.
by --Heather
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Stay Sane.
by --Heather

previous entry: Drama Entry #1, plus TTC update

next entry: The anticipation kills me!!

I'm pathetic

07/31/2012

I haven't heard from Hannah in a month. I thought as an adult, you really didnt give a shit about having friends? That you were more apt to rely on yourself and family, and if someone were to just drop out of your life like Hannah did mine, then you didn't care as much? I'm still crushed. Since Daniel went to North Dakota and Hannah just disappeared, I have become close to Vicki (my neighbor upstairs) and Nikki (the lasy who babysits my kids). But they just aren't the same. I'm in a deep depression without her and Daniel around. I have no one to talk to that actually gets me, and me and Daniel are at each others throats with him being gone.

So, today I made my last attempt. I e-mailed her. If she is back with Lester I know hr email account wouldn't be monitered by him, but everything else would be. I asked her that if she were going to cut off contact, to please give me closure. Not to leave me hanging, and if I did something to offend her please let me do anything to remedy the situation. I hate life without her. I hate to use the 16 year old girl term "soul sister", but I couldn't describe our relationship any better than that. I told her I would wave the white flag to Lester if they were back together I would do anything. Just don't leave me like this.

I seriously bawl when someone mentions her name. I miss her so much, I wish I could just pick up the phone and call her, but I am so scared. I don't want to piss her off more or get her in trouble. I just pray to... WHOEVER can make shit happen, that she answers my e-mail. And soon. I'm going crazy.

Me and Daniel are fighting today. I know we will be okay, but he isn't speaking to me right now. He has always at least told me good night, but not tonight. I'm sure we will be okay, but it just doesn't feel like it today. We are fighting because of my babysitters roommate, Tasha. We both don't like her (Tasha doesn't know that I don't like her, and doesn't need to). She is always neglacting her kids, leaving Nikki to always watch them, sleeps till all hours of the day and up all night. She picks huge fights with her husband every night so no one in the house can get any sleep. She has stolen little things out of my house (Daniel doesn't know that!) and my babysitter recently found little baggies with powdery white residue in them. JUST to clear things up, Nikki watches my kids at my house, and no Nikki is not on drugs.

Well, I was at the house visiting with Nikki today. Daniel can track me on the iPhone (which I gave him permission to do, but thinking about revoking it now!) so he saw I was at the neighbors house. He got upset telling me not to overstay my welcome there and that he didn't want Natasha starting a fight with Nikki about it. Which I didn't overstay my welcome, and Nastasha and Nikki don't fight, AND Natasha likes me and thinks I like her. Also, Natasha and her husband weren't even home! Well, I kept my cool ass day, because we were texting about it, and I just (as nicely as possible) told him that I have made it through 27 years without gaining an addiction, going to jail, being robbed or royally fucked over, in a fight, and am not dead, so what's the problem! I make decent judgment calls when it comes to everyone besides boyfriends! I told him that older doesn't necessarily mean he is wiser and to stop bossing me around. That I want to vent but I hate when it comes back to bite me later, and this is exactly why I hate telling him things. We ended up on the phone about it instead of texting and that's when it got heated. He ended up hanging up on me because I was yelling at him that I didn't know why he cared so much where I was as long I was not at another guys house and he shut his phone off. So then I shut my phone off. Then I turned it back on ten minutes later, and by that time his was back on again. well, I called two or three times but he wouldn't anser so I just sent him a text saying that I didn't like his best friend when I first met him and that I would have never even DREAMED of telling him not to go over there, to stop bossing me around and that I WAS going to do whatever I wanted to do. I am an adult and you do not own me and that is that. At the same time he is texting me that If I am so tired to get rid of him, and that he isn't what I want. I ended my text with, "phone is going off now. I'll talk to you when I calm down." Then I put the phone in airplane mode (which renders the phone useless for calls and data, but I can still play games and listen to music), threw on my tunes and took a hot bath. I left it off for and hour, and in that time he sent me a text saying I was going to do whatever I wanted to anyways and I was going to make him out to be the asshole. I texted him back saying, "To WHO? Look I just needed a breather. I do not want to fight or yell. But I would rather talk to you, not text." I called him a few times and he didn't answer. So, I just let him be. He never got back to me.

He usually always tells me goodnight or he loves me, but never carries a fight into the next day. I don't know what it is with him. I know he is insecure, but he has honestly treated me better than anyone. My oldest son, David, broke down BAWLING because he misses Daniel so much. He has never broke down and cried for his own Dad. He won't even talk about his Dad in any sort of positive manner. Tyler calls Daniel Dada. He is the only thing Tyler has known! We all love Daniel very much, but we tend to be two different people. I am definitely the type of person that you CANNOT tell what to do, because I will do the opposite! And he HAS to get over that! I have never seen any type of healthy relationship where one spouse tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to talk to. It seems controlling to me, even if it is mild or "looking out" for the other. I was so controlled by my ex-husband that if I feel like my relatonship is steering towards that in any light, I put it in check and I let the man know that they will NOT tell me what to do.

And now, I don't know what to do

previous entry: Drama Entry #1, plus TTC update

next entry: The anticipation kills me!!

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