Oh, the insanity.... | 12/17/2010 |
I think I waited too long to come back and write the entry, now I'll probably forget some details.... but here goes... lol
First off Randy and I had not been getting along very well for awhile... and I had been talking to this other guy, named Rob, but we had already said multiple times that we had to just stay friends, because I was in a relationship... even though I admit it didn't really stop us from flirting. Before anyone thinks I'm terrible for that or anything... Randy has spent the entire 2 years we've been together flirting with and hitting on other girls behind my back, even though I always find out. We've had so many fights about it that it's ridiculous. It never stops, it never gets better, and I was tired of it. I know two wrongs do not make a right, but sometimes in the heat of the moment it's hard to remember that.
So one night I was sitting and waiting for Randy to get off the Playstation, which is where I talk to Rob online... and he kept me sitting there waiting for HOURS.... then when he finally got done with it, he went and got on the computer... and just as I got online on the Playstation and started talking to Rob and my other friends... Randy basically DEMANDED that I stop what I was doing and come help him get text messaging on his phone. And he would not give up or shut up about it until I stopped what I was doing to help him. Even though I tried explaining to him that it was a completely unnecessary expense since we very rarely are not in the same place at the same time. He insisted he needed it. So I helped him get it put on his phone. As I sat back down to finish talking to my friends I said "Let me guess, I just did that so you can text back and forth with some bitch?" He said it was just one of his friends from on the Playstation Network.... I told him bullshit I know him, and I know better.
A few days later, when he was in the shower I picked up his cell phone... honestly thinking I wasn't going to find anything because he's usually pretty smart about not saving things I'm not supposed to see.... except for the settings that he doesn't know are there on myspace... lmao but anyway, in his saved text messages he had a text from a girl named Jessica that said "I Love You Too!" My blood was BOILING... but I know how I get when I'm angry... so I let it go for a couple days... although I did tell Rob about it. Well a couple days after that Randy made some nasty comment about how much time I spent talking to Rob... and I just let him have it. I screamed and yelled and he basically just looked at me like I was crazy. I waited until the next morning after I had time to think about what I really wanted and wasn't so violently angry.... and I broke up with him. It was actually more of a huge relief than anything.... because like I said, I haven't been happy for quite awhile, I'm just a pretty good actress. Besides, by this time, I had already completely fallen in love with Rob, I just hadn't told him that.
So basically after that it was fine for us to be flirting and getting to know each other better and everything.... and we just kept getting closer.... and a few days later he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, obviously... and I spent the next week being happier than I remember being in SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long! But I always had one thing nagging at me in the back of my head... when I first started talking to Rob, before I EVER even thought he was going to be in my life for any period of time, even as friends.... when he was just some guy I thought I'd have a conversation with and never talk to again.... I had sent him a fake picture. *sigh* I know, I know... SO stupid.... and seriously I should have learned my lesson the couple times I have done something like that in the past.... but I'm kind of an idiot sometimes.... So while being amazingly happy, I knew I had to tell him the truth, and that telling the truth more than likely meant I was going to lose him.... and not wanting to lose him, I waited way too long to tell him the truth. But when he told me that he loved me, I knew that #1 there was no way around it, I had to tell him the truth... but that #2, if he really truly loved me, he might just forgive me.... He didn't. He told me to delete him off of anything I possibly talk to him on... Playstation, facebook, phone... etc. and to have a nice life. I was crushed.
But how could I be mad at him? It was my fault, he had every right to feel that way. I lost it. I cried hysterically, and omg do i mean hysterically.... and while I was crying, Randy came upstairs and held me while I cried... even though he KNEW why I was crying. And then he asked me to please come back to him, and I was so completely destroyed emotionally right then, I just said yes... even though I made it completely clear that he was only winning by default. If things had gone the other way with Rob, I would be with Rob and would have been completely gone. He accepted that. I have no idea why, I wouldn't have.
So I spent a whole week being depressed and angry and missing Rob more than I can ever remember missing anyone in my life.... and then one of my friends gave me some advice and told me to try one last time to get through to Rob, and that if he really truly loved me, he would come around and forgive me. It worked. He started talking to me again.... but he says we can only be friends now because he doesn't feel like he can trust me right now. I accepted that, because anything is better than the thought of him hating me. Then a couple days later he asked if we could make it "friends with benefits" and I asked him if he realizes that almost never works? He said "is that a no then?" I laughed and said "I didn't say that, I just said it almost never works." lol So then I had the "we should have an open relationship" talk with Randy... which he had a huge problem with, even though he has yet to actually stop talking to any of the girls he has been talking to, even though that was a condition of us getting back together. But because he has a problem with me talking to Rob, he had a problem with that. Well tough, it was either that's the way it is, or it goes back to being over.... So then since then, some days Rob is all flirty and sweet, and other days he completely ignores me... and pretty much EVERY day at some point the thought goes through my mind that he is just messing with my head right now because of what I did.... so I'm very confused, have no idea what to do, and life is just insane.... lol So now I'm back in a relationship with someone I'm not in love with, and in love with someone I'm not sure I'll ever be back in a relationship with again.... *sigh* How do I get myself into these messes? lol |
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