I am addicted to Vicodin.... I have been addicted to pills for 4 1/2 - 5 years now.. It all started when I got pregnant with my son Tyler. I was bed ridden for 5-6 months because of my disability, (cerebral palsy) I wasn't able to do anything on my own, anything... From getting out of bed to goin to the bathroom... I needed my moms help 100 %. So because I was so big and in so much pain, they started me on Tylenol 3 n from there it went all down hill.... I was very depressed because of my sons dad, Tommy. He was not supportive at all and kept putting himself in scary situations and was living "the gang life" and was addicted to pills himself, although I didnt really know it at the time. I loved the way the way that the pills made me feel. I not only got away from the pain but it helped me escape the depression I was dealing with. Tommy was very emotionally abusive to me and I put up with it for awhile, and I wanted to just stick to it for the sake of our son. Even though at times it ended up being physical abuse as well. I drew the line when he started putting his hands on me in front of our son. It made me start wondering if he would eventually hurt Tyler if he couldn't get him to calm down. So after a year of trying my best to take care of him on my own (with my parents help) I decided I couldn't give him everything he deserved and made the decision to give him up for adoption... It was the best thing for him but in the end, it made everything worse for me. I fell into a very deep depression, and therefore, my addiction got worse. Now, I don't know how to get out of it, or if I really even want to. Because I have been on the pills for so long, I have learned to shut off any and all emotions, and I don't know how to deal with any kind of problems in a good way. I turned to cutting. A few months after the adoption was finalized, I got pregnant again... By Tommy. I had to have an abortion. The second hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life aside from having to hand over my son to someone else to raise him. Which led to even more pills... I hate Tommy for everything he has put me through.... And yet, now that he is sitting in jail, he makes me feel like I am all he has and that I need to help him to find a way to get him out of there. I was the one that put him in there... (He assaulted my best friend but he said it was in self defense, but I don't know what to believe...) So he makes me feel guilty. Everyone seems to make me feel guilty about everything so I give into whatever it is that they are asking me to do for them. Which leads to more depression and wanting to take more pills. And because of the person I am, I want to help anyone and everyone I can and people take my kindness for weakness... and I get sucked into situations that I really don't want to be in anymore and I don't know how to get out of it... I am in another relationship and don't feel like I should be helping Tommy because it is not my responsibility to help Tommy but it is just my nature to help anyone I can. Plus he just guilt trips me into helping him and I just don't know how to say no. I wish I knew which way to turn but I'm so scared now to get and be sober because of the with drawls I go through if I don't have my pills and I have to pay cash if I want to go to rehab, because Medicaid doesn't cover shit. I don't have any money or any means to pay for anything let alone for rehab. So I am stuck here being a completely depressed addict.... I hate my life and who I have become. I have lost sight completely on who I am and what I want and need to do in my life. I don't even know who I am anymore.... I never thought though, that I would be a drug addict.... I go to bed at night a lot of the time hoping that I just don't wake up.... I can't live like this anymore but don't know how to get out... I mean I still live at home with my parents for fuck sake... I feel worthless and like I am trapped and will never get out of the situation I am in... |
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