Depression hurts

I am not doing so well. Since the last entry I wrote, I feel like I've gotten worse. Not only am I stressed, but now, my depression has set in too. 

I hate when I get to this point. I have to FORCE myself to get out, and find solace in a friend somehow just so I can get around this feeling of being a failure. 

I completely snapped yesterday. It was such a horrible day...I didn't want to be around anyone...including Trystan. Every time he'd come to me to give me a hug, or sit on my lap, I'd tell him to get away from me. I felt horrible about it later, but I was just in a REALLY REALLY bad mood. 

Then, I get into a fight with Doug over this dumb slut he had at his place. 

A little background:

This chick is his ex. I hate her. Not because she's his ex, but because she had a kid 3 years ago, and decided to abandon that kid for partying and drugs. My friend, is her baby father, and has been raising the child since birth. 

So I was gonna go over to Doug's yesterday to hang out, and let him spend some time with Trystan. But then I found out this bitch is over at his place. They're like, fuck buddies or something now. Which makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it, considering SHE accused him of rape years ago. He doesn't believe it, of course, because he's an idiot. 

But anyway...

When I found out she was there, I told him that I wasn't gonna come over then. And he started this big thing, asking me why I hate her so much. So I gave him my reason...for the millionth time...and he turned around, and acted like my reason wasn't good enough to dislike the girl. Just because I don't know a lot about her, he feels I shouldn't be acting like that toward her. WELL, needless to say, we got into it, and he hung up on me. Then he sends me a text, and proceeds to tell me that I am immature, naive, and judgemental. Oh, and that I remind him of my mother. I don't remember what else he said, but this was my response to him:

"You do what you want Doug. I may be naive, but I am certainly not immature. Stop comparing me to my mother. It's insulting. You know I'm nothing like her. If I was, Trystan would be as messed up as I am. So fuck off with that. I find it funny you're defending her (the girl) after a week ago when you wanted nothing to do with her. I guess you must be fucking her again. No surprise there. Like I said...slut. But whatever. Do what you want. You wanna fight with me over this, meh. I'm stressed enough without your bullshit on top of it. I'm not eating or sleeping much, and I'm totally worn emotionally. I know you don't care, but I don't need anything else to affect my mental state. Especially this."

After that, he tried to call me back 3 times, and I just ignored his call. So then the loser has his mommy call me, and ask me what my problem with the girl is. When I told her, she told me that my reason for not liking the chick is a good enough reason, and that I have every right to my feelings and opinions. Of course, he still doesn't agree. But whatever.

So when it's time for Trystan to go to bed, I call Doug like I normally do for him to say goodnight to Trystan. Only this time, I let Trystan do all the talking, and I just sat there. When Doug said goodnight, and bye to him, I hung up. So then he texts me after and tells me that he hopes Trystan doesn't inherit mine and my mothers attitude. I was like, WTF...

This guy has balls. He REALLY pissed me off...like, whoa. 

Needless to say, my day yesterday was the worst day I've had so far this year. And I've been through a lot since the year started, with the death of my friend, and finding out my grandfather has cancer, and then Doug finding out he might have to do jail time for a crime he didn't commit. But man oh man...yesterday, was bad.

Today it's been a little better. My temper is still short, and frustrations are still high. But I think I'm feeling a little different than yesterday. I ended up passing out on the couch at 10:00 last night...my mom didn't even bother waking me up when she came in from work...she just let me sleep. Which was good, cuz she knew I needed it. I had only gotten 3 and a half hours of sleep the night before...so I was exhausted.

Trystan woke me up at 7 this morning, but that's alright. I got almost 12 hours of sleep. I'm gonna be going to my friend's place later for a playdate with Trystan and her daughter, Abbi. 

I'll post pics later.