After all that happened yesterday, I've been really down and depressed, looking for options and ways to fix things, brainstorming and planning, but coming up with nothing. I was so exhausted from all the stress and anxiety that I was exhausted and kept falling asleep and ended up going to bed hours earlier than normal. I had a fitful sleep and when the alarm went off this morning, struggled to wake up, but Garret had a clothing crisis so I forced myself to wake up and get going. Once I moved around I started feeling in a pretty good mood, then I made the mistake of checking FB while we were waiting for the bus and my pleasant mood crashed to the depths of the ocean. I guess some people thought my post yesterday was selfish or attention-seeking or thought something (I don't know what and I probably shouldn't try) because I ended up with several snarky comments and the last one, which I only saw this morning, broke my heart. Someone that I love, look up to, and would always hope to get some encouragement from put a comment on there to the effect that if the benefits were taken away that I must have not deserved them, basically making me feel that it was all my fault. This is someone that I have looked up to all my life, idolized (not in a bad way), aspired to be like, and hoped and prayed that I would one day earn their respect, but I should have known...this is the second time that they have crushed me. It took me years and years to recover, to not hate them whenever I thought of them, to hate their affluence and their non-caring attitude, to not begrudge them their wealth and their selfishness in not even offering to help when times are so desperate that we might lose everything. I don't understand people like that and when they slam others, and me, when we are at our lowest points, it only hurts more. And today, it really hurt, more than last time. I guess it's partly my fault, airing such personal stuff out to the public, leaving myself open for such things like this to happen. It was a moment of not thinking clearly because I was angry and frustrated and, I guess, I wanted some comfort from my friends, or at least those I considered my friends. I wasn't expecting the snarky remarks, but I guess I can't think that everyone would totally understand my situation and know whats going on...how what may seem a small amount to them, means everything to us, that we'll be able to eat for a week or so; how we were already struggling to make things work, doing our best to get through tough times and then to get stepped on and punched down...this is a tough one, I am really struggling with it. My heart aches and I'm sad, I don't understand, but even if I did I don't know if that would help. The words have been said, my trust has been broken, and even if I can forgive sometime in the future, the relationship may never be the same. I can only hope that at some point in time I will be able to clear the air, let them know how much they have hurt me and give them a chance to apologize and for me to apologize to them too, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Right now I am not ready for that, all I have is pain and hurt and anger in my heart, trying not to hate them.
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