I tried to edit the last entry but it wouldn't let me, so I'm posting the final revision Jon and I decided on. I will send it to them tomorrow afternoon, so that mom will not have to go to work the following day, but I assume that she will try to corner us to talk about it, but I'm in the final week of class and getting G ready to leave for camp on Sunday, so I won't have any time for any lengthy discussions.
After much thought and prayer, Jon and I have decided to write this letter of explanation in response to the accusations from earlier this week and would very much appreciate it if you would read through this completely, with as much of an open mind as possible, before any response. Out of deference to Ouma’s birthday, we decided to wait to send this out, as we did not want to stress her out any more than she already was from the day’s events. As with any issue in life, there are always two sides to the story, with elements of truth in both, so I seek your sense of fairness and justice to hear our side. We are attempting to present our side as accurately as we can recall and factually, to the best of our knowledge.
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In order to address some of the issues, I need to present some of the history, as this is not just a one-time incident but has been building up for a long time. When I started dating Jon, it was instantly apparent that the distance would be a significant issue in our relationship; though we tried commuting, the expense was too much for either of us so we looked at other options. Obviously, because of my promise to Ouma that I would always be here and take care of her until she died, I was not in a position to move, which is why Jon considered moving here. When I mentioned this possibility to mom and Ouma, great concern was expressed about how he would find a job and housing, etc. and I was pleasantly surprised when Ouma suggested that he come to live here with me in the cottage. Because of the way his family was treating him, his main desire was to become part of a loving, caring family, which was offered to him by Mom and Ouma; Ouma several times referred to him as “my adopted son” which makes him very happy.
There were never any misconceptions by Jon about what coming to live here with us would entail; he knew that it would be a lot of work, and he continued to look for a job to supplement our income, as he always has and still continues to do to this very day. He liked the idea of living in the country and being able to work on “the farm” as he calls it and to be able to help us out; doing stuff for us that we hadn’t able to do, feeling valued and needed and appreciated for his knowledge and experience. His offer to help us out came with only two requests (in addition to being considered one of the family): the first was to be able to be able to choose from the extra tools in order to build his own tool collection (which was agreed upon, but he later declined after he decided to stay here with me for the long term) and the second was autonomy (especially in reference to all the garbage and stuff in the garage) which included the freedom to use his best judgment in projects and clean up the property, in order for him to work more efficiently and get things done in a timely manner. This didn’t mean that he would be taking over everything; he fully realized that this was mom’s property, but his request was that she give him a list of things that she wanted done and he would do it, to the best of his best ability and prioritizing them, along with all the real-time requests and projects and other things that he was attending to. After a lot of discussion, mom agreed to this and no, we didn’t write it down so there is no formal record of the date or time this was agreed to. My only confirmation is an entry in my diary stating that it had positively been agreed to; moreover, being that this was Jon’s one major request, he would not have moved here if he had not had the assurance of this agreement.
Only a few short days after Jon arrived though there were some miscommunications and misunderstandings, which we thought had all been worked through and agreed upon prior to Jon moving here. Through all the talking that came out of it, we agreed that as a family unit (your own words mom) we could make this work to be beneficial for all of us and you said that you trusted Jon to take care of sorting through all the garbage and little things and that he should report to you/confer with you on any big money items to be sold or disposed of. We also revisited the subject of him being able to work without thinking you were always looking over his shoulder so that he could get things done without having to constantly stop and undo what he had worked on or be in fear that you would object to what he was doing, which would waste valuable time. It was so imperative for him to know that you trusted him, that you needed his help, that he could be useful around the farm and that he wasn’t going to be a burden or that you just asked him to move here because you felt sorry for him. You assured him that none of those things would happen and that feeling sorry for him wasn’t the issue and that you wanted him here; that you needed him to help us. From the very beginning Jon has been acutely aware of our situation and has been trying to help in as many ways as he possibly can, though his ideas and ways may be different than what we thought of or always agreed with, his intentions have always been to try and help us and he’s always tried to do what is best for the family; hardly ever considering himself. He had the organizational skills, the drive, and determination that we didn’t have and doing things that we couldn’t or didn’t have the time to deal with. After this particular conversation, you promised to trust him and would allow him to work more freely.
April through September of 2012 is somewhat of a blur to us, though I know that school was very difficult for me, there were problems with Garret at school, and I think that’s about when Jon’s medication started to not work as well, and of course mom had her strokes. What I do remember very clearly was that I had to drop out of school to help with more things around the property and houses while mom was recovering, helping with all the canning, and storing of other foods we were harvesting. All during this time there was still the constant buzz about never having enough money and if frustrated me a lot, because on several occasions I sat down with Mom to go over the bills and update the household budget. Each time, on paper, there was always an excess after the bills and expenses were accounted for; not including when Melody temporarily moved in and was helping out with the bills, which should have given us a surplus to save up for later but that was never possible for some reason. I understand the extreme frustration of not having enough money to pay the bills, of having to choose what to pay and what to put off, if you can, of having to choose to buy food over paying the bills, etc. I deal with this, and have dealt with it, constantly for the past few years and many times in my life before this too.
What made things so very difficult for Jon and I during this time was being constantly asked if I had any money, when you almost certainly knew I didn’t, and then laying down guilt trips that made me and Jon feel even worse than we already did because we couldn’t help more. Indeed I was, and still am, very upset at several inferences that you made that not being able to pay the bill was Jon’s fault, because he couldn’t find a job or wasn’t doing enough around the property, wasn’t selling things, that his coming to live here was a direct reason for us not being able to pay the bills, etc. When in fact, Jon moving in has saved us hundreds and hundreds of dollars, with all the things he has done and fixed and sold, but instead these types of comments only made him feel guilty for not being able to find a job, like he was being taken for granted, that all his hard work wasn’t appreciated and like he was no more than a common unpaid field laborer. Jon has decreased the amount we pay in electricity by helping to fix up the cottage, cleared a lot of trash out of all the buildings, sold off several of the items that Uncle Benny left stored in the sheds, repaired countless items and broken/leaking pipes, made an awesome garden two years in a row, pruned our sad orchard and grape vines, cleared out countless tree, berry bushes and weeds, taken several loads of metal to the recycle center, reconditioned and fixed the trailer with some of his own money because you didn’t have any at the time, and done countless other improvements to the various things on the property.
During this time period, there was also another very painful experience that occurred. It was a “discussion” at which Melody happened to be present because she was there (or mom asked her to be there) that weekend and mom asked her to sit in on the conversation as “an outside/objective observer” per se. Not that we really minded, we both love Melody, but the whole “discussion” turned out to be mom giving a flowery speech of how she wanted things to work out and how we needed to do this and that to improve, to try better to communicate more, etc. yet the whole reason the meeting was supposed to happen was for us all to talk about things, but by the time mom was done with her speech there didn’t seem to be any point in us saying anything because it wasn’t a discussion. Melody chimed in a few thoughts here and there, that while I’m sure they may have seemed pertinent in some way, were obviously not based on all the facts, since she’d only been talking to mom mostly and hadn’t even talked to us to find out our perspective on the issues…just as has been happening in this case for the last few weeks.
And in addition to this, Mom…you hurt us exceedingly when you decided to separate us from the family and make it an “us vs. them” issue. In your little speech you made a huge deal about how things had changed and you could no longer “support 2 families and/or 2 different households.” I tried to talk to you and Ouma after this to you let you know how much this hurt us and really bothered us, but you insisted that your attitude hadn’t changed, that you still treated us the same way, and that it shouldn’t make a difference; Ouma said she hasn’t really noticed anything but she wasn’t really involved in a lot of stuff. It was also during this time that we lost our baby girl, our special Angel, the most precious kitty who was like my own daughter; Garret still talks about her a lot and so do Jon and I. We still have not stopped missing her or mourning her loss and our pain was only increased when our beautiful Precious also disappeared about 5 months ago. Our cats are part of our family and the pain of them disappearing has been exceedingly felt by us all.
October proved to be just as stressful as the months before; I had to ask for another extension of my emergency leave from school because mom still wasn’t well enough to keep up with all the things around the house and property that she usually did. Looking back at my diary notes, it was also during time that I noticed a marked difference in mom’s attitude and her overall emotional control; or lack thereof…as we’ve been doing a lot of walking around on eggshells since them because neither Jon or myself like confrontations and Mom’s blow ups are not pleasant to endure. I have suggested earnestly, and as gently as possible, on several occasions that she seek some help for her depression and emotional/mood issues, but the excuse was always that she didn’t have the money. I realize that money is tight, but I don’t understand how, when you have full coverage insurance and seeking counseling could help with your shopping sprees and emotional problems, which could in turn help with the financial issues, why you would not take advantage of those benefits. Jon and I have done our best to be diplomatic during Mom’s outbursts but the stress of them has even threatened to tear our relationship apart. Regardless of all that has happened, Jon has been very helpful in giving me a lot of insight on trying to keep an open mind and weighing both sides of all the issues and trying to be considerate of all involved.
Continuing through the Fall months, Mom continued to ask for help paying the bills and we helped when possible, even though we rarely had any extra; we’d already used up all our savings, both mine and Jon’s, to pay our normal bills. I tried selling on ebay, and while I did do fairly well on some things, the extensive fees they charged ate through any profits I might have made and I eventually had to pull everything off. I have sold or put for sale at one time or another, everything of mine that I didn’t need or want; often sacrificing things that I really liked and were precious to me because I could get money for them. It is also important to note that Jon gave up a job, his house, and the closeness to his family to come and be here with us; he has also sold quite a few of his personal items and gave some of the profits to you Mom, when you were panicking about how to pay for some of the bills. Very rarely, that I can recall, have you ever said thank you to us for doing these things; for hardly any of the sacrifices that Jon and I have made, until that little talk a few weeks ago when you announced all these things to me.
Additionally, with all the extensive dental work for Jon that we have done (the last trip you helped us with and we thank you again) and his many visits to the doctor and changing of medications to try and find something that works; after all this, which we had to pay for out of pocket, we are utterly tapped out. We have never had insurance, though we still continue to hope that we’ll get called off the state insurance waiting list one day, and sometimes it has taken all that I could to convince Jon to go to the Dr. or dentist because he knew we didn’t really have to money to pay for it. I do want to point out that while this new regimen of meds isn’t perfect, for the first time in several years, he is finally able to get more than a few hours of sleep a night, but it isn’t consistent and he is still trying to get used to the new medications, which could take several more weeks. And with my regular duties and chores, and homeschooling Garret during the day, the majority of my school work is done at night; I don’t usually stop working until around midnight or afterwards and then it takes me a while to relax so I can fall asleep. It has been a very long struggle, both for Jon and for me, some days are much worse than others but we are still trying to get onto some normal type of schedule so that we can get more things done. And on top of all this, are my struggles with Garret’s behavioral issues, which a lot of the time you do more to hinder than help mom, even though we asked you not to interfere several times before; and with his father’s refusal to pay for counseling, Jon and I have had to spend many extra hours researching and dealing with these issues, which have been an added stress to our lives and is often a strain on our relationship.
Melody – you accused me of not thinking about mom…of not putting myself in her shoes. For just one moment, I would beg you all to consider MY position and my part in all of this. I came to help take care of Ouma (and Oupa) willingly and I will be forever grateful that they allowed me to come here when I thought I had no place to go. But I also sacrificed a lot of my life, in essence, to stay home and take care of Ouma (which I don’t regret in any way because it was my duty to honor my promise to her). During these years there have been many times that Mom went gallivanting around on the weekends, spending money that most probably should have been used to pay her bills; and after these weekends I often had to listen to her complain that she didn’t have money or had overdrawn her bank account because Henry didn’t have the money to pay or things were more expensive then they planned, or other various reasons, etc. I tried very hard not to complain, but I can only remember taking what I would consider a vacation weekend away maybe 3 or 4 weekends in the span of 4-5 years, until I met Jon, which often seemed unfair to me. Sure there were times when Mom would stay home and I would have the weekend “off” but it’s not really considered time off when you don’t have any money to go anywhere and I still had homework to do or was on the road most of the weekend dropping off and picking up Garret from his dad.
While I was drawing unemployment, I helped as much as I could, even giving upwards of hundreds to thousands of my Pell grant money, and tax refunds during the times I was able to. I have been bounced around like a ping pong ball between everything that has happened. First when Rene was here and being stuck in the middle of all the drama between her and mom until she left, then feeling tied down while mom takes weekends off left and right and I dutifully stay and take care of Ouma, and now all the drama with mom’s outbursts and taking digs at Jon for not finding a job and not doing what she wants in the timeframe she wants it done in. I’m fighting to keep it all together myself, while Jon’s sick in bed some days and now we’re being accused of being unfeeling and uncaring and having to justify ourselves because no one had the decency to take a few moments in the beginning to talk to us before making such a profound decision that drastically impacts our lives, probably more than the rest of you. I have spent these last few weeks, since mom sprung this on me, thinking about this intensely, from every possible angle I could imagine; I have tried to imagine and explore how it affects each person involved in an effort to try and understand things better. So YES, Melody, I have put myself in my mom’s shoes, and Jon’s and Garret’s and Ouma’s.
This brings me to a few other points. Mom – you seemed shocked when I asked why you hadn’t mentioned any of this before and you said “Well didn’t you see this coming?” NO we didn’t, because you kept insinuating that, even though money was short, you were handling everything; and even though you had fleetingly mentioned the idea of selling a few times before, after the refinance you never mentioned it seriously again that I can recall, so we assumed that everything was getting better and of course I was shocked and we feel like we’ve had the floor ripped out from under our feet. Not only because you never mentioned it seriously but also because you did the very least family like thing I have ever known and completely left us out of the conversation and the decision. Even though, as you said “you didn’t think I would have anything of value to contribute or any options to present that would have changed the situation” that shouldn’t have mattered. Family doesn’t act that way and my faith and esteem in you two aunts is also greatly damaged for not insisting that we be present; gees, you even asked Ouma what she wanted. Why would you not consider our feelings and thoughts and ideas? Do you really think we are just children who don’t know anything? Or are we so unimportant to you that you didn’t think it should matter? I know you said you care Mom, but really, your actions betray your words sometimes and I hardly know when to take you at your word anymore.
And another thing Mom…I have proof that you had obviously been thinking about this for a while, since I have now learned that you talked to Matt about it on that weekend in MAY that you drove Garret up to him for me when I was bogged down with finals. I cannot even begin to express the amount of fury that filled me when he told me this news. What you did was wrong on so many levels; I am still ready to spit nails. You had NO business talking to him about it. NONE WHATSOEVER. You betrayed my confidence and trust in you and it will take me a very long time to forgive you for that. I want you to understand one thing very clearly, your relationship and communication with Matt is on to be in case of emergencies and to coordinate drop offs and pick-ups…NOTHING MORE!
I still haven’t figured out how to break this news to Garret but I have decided not to say anything until after he comes back from camp so that he can have a good time and good memories. I ask that you respect my right as his parent to discuss this with him when I feel he is ready and in whatever capacity I feel is best for him. Should he be in the room or within ear shot, please do not discuss anything regarding this until he is not around. And one more thing, while we’re on the subject: just as I have agreed in the parenting contract not to talk disparagingly about his father within his earshot, I will ask that any negative comments that you have regarding myself or Jon be kept for discussion when Garret is not around. I have requested this of Jon and myself here in our home and I would hope that you would respect my wishes in this request of you. It is your right to say whatever you want, but Garret’s love of you all is very special and I guard that fiercely; no matter what issues we may have between us, I want to make sure that his relationship with you all is preserved in its pureness.
I do not want to make it seem like everything that has happened is your fault Mom. Some of it we had no control over, while other things we all could have done differently. I will not deny that there have been times when 100% of effort was not given. Sometimes I have been so emotionally exhausted that it was not in me to give any more than I did, and in times like now, I am so discouraged and depressed by what seems like an end for “my family”, that at times I cannot handle everything. And when you come at me with a confrontation, I feel like I’m backed into a corner and so sometimes I lash out. For this I am sorry, but some days I struggle just trying to cope from one hour to the next; some days are better than others and some days I’m just really good at faking I’m ok when inside I’m in complete turmoil. I am struggling with insurmountable issues and challenges that I cannot understand or see a way to solve. I can only give so much of myself before all of me is drained, and right now I am running close to empty from all the stress and worry and sleepless nights. I know that you are under a lot of stress too Mom; I can see that, I can sense it and I feel it, more than you realize.
There are probably more things that could be said but I need to wrap this up for now. You have placed me and MY family in a very difficult position. We have no income to save for a move since my child support sometimes doesn’t even cover the few bills and expenses we now have; and we have nothing to show for all the hours of work we do here. Yes, you do generously allow us to stay here in exchange for working, and for that we are very thankful, but the ratio of what is and has been done to the amount we are to contribute towards expenses is nowhere near equal; as I pointed out to you several months ago on the spreadsheet I created. I am heart-broken, as is Jon, that the people I trusted the most and was proud to call family, have put us in a position where we fear our very existence may be threatened if a solution or miracle doesn’t happen soon. I have no money in reserve, both of our savings are empty and all my retirement funds are gone; I have no car since I gave it to you, mom, to cash in on the truck, and if both Jon and I aren’t able to get jobs soon then we all will be homeless and that is not how I want to raise my son. Additionally, should Jon decided to leave without me, and that is a very real possibility at this moment, my son and I will be homeless and without a vehicle, and will have nowhere to go.
To that end, Mom (and Melody): neither Jon nor I are refusing to do anything you’ve asked us to. I am still going to take care of Ouma as I promised her, and Jon and I are still taking care of the garden, along with our other daily tasks. And MOM, the snotty comment that “No one cares when I’m upset” was totally childish and uncalled for, as well as stomping out of my house and slamming the door. I have never once hung up on you or treated you like I didn’t care when you were upset. And I never said we wouldn’t talk but only that Jon was very upset at the moment and was not ready to talk to you at that time. This is extraordinarily huge for us and we still haven’t been able to grasp the whole of it, not to mention figure out how to pick our lives up and try to put them back together. We are not trying to cause any more stress or issues, but earnestly ask that you extend a little patience and understanding to us as we go through this process of trying to figure things out and get back on our feet.
That being said, we do have two requests: I respectfully ask to be given the trailer that Jon and I fixed up, since we have no other way to transport our stuff and we have/will have great need for it. And secondly, we request a clear definition of what your promise to help us will entail so we understand what resources are available to us and we can better plan for the future.
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