Whether you're married or dating, have you ever just looked at the person next to you and wonder if you really know who they are? And then realize that you don't? I was never a very touchy feely type girl to begin with. I never opened up and talked about problems. No one makes me more mad than he does. There are days I wish I could beat him to a pulp or use his head for batting practice. I'm still not really sure I want to be married to him. I am, however, sure that I will regret it if I don't stick it out.
The problem is this: he will do one thing that ticks me off but I won't say anything right then. Then he does other things that tick me off but again I say nothing. And then it's one stupid thing that he does. One little thing like not pouring the milk out of the cereal bowl and then it's on...stinking world war twenty-seven! Or whatever number war we happen to be on! It's then that he has to know why I'm so upset. Well I can't give an honest answer because I really don't know what the right answer is. Not only was that thing he did forever ago, but I've also forgotten the exact event that had me so upset to begin with! So now I'm even more upset because I don't remember! Of course, that always goes over smoothly in a fight..."i don't know." I think I'm going to buy sticky notes and every time he does something I'm going to write it down and date it and stick it on the bathroom mirror. That way, when we do have a fight, I can just go pick something I want to be upset about. Although, I'm not sure I have enough mirror space. I might have to resort to a box. He upsets me a lot. Like the way he likes to "pick." Sometimes it's cute and I'll laugh and let it roll off my back, but sometimes it's just hurtful and then I still make that pouty face, "oh-you-hurt-my-feelings" boo-hoo type face to play it off. And he'll say something like "you know I'm just picking" or "you need to not let things like that hurt your feelings", "your skin is too soft...you need to learn how to take a joke", insensitive stuff like that. He wants to portray that we have this big happy family and nothing ever goes wrong. So we'll be out somewhere and he had the last jest at me so I finally think I have a good one to come back with and then he gets all defensive and tells me that I need to grow up and that I'm an embarrassment and I'm defying him or challenging him. .....excuse me! I didn't realize, Master.
He makes me feel about 2 inches tall sometimes. No, most of the time. He makes me feel so inadequate and sometimes to the point where I'm starting to believe that he does it for sport. Like a few days ago, I was ready for some us time. So I do what I know he likes - blowjob. "Are you ever going to swallow?" No. We've had this conversation a million times. No. I've already tried and I can't stand the taste as well as knowing that there are about to be a million little pre-babies in my stomach kinda freaks me out. Yes, I psych myself out. I don't care. It's something I'm working on, and he can wait...he just doesn't know it yet. So I say no. "Well you're the only one that hasn't. All my other girlfriends did it." ..............and there goes my want for sex.....period. Talk about major turn off! I couldn't believe he had just uttered those words. Seriously? Now, of course, that was the only thought going through my head. Great, now I have to live up to his exes. Shove it in my face! I could feel my world just kind of start crumbling. Now it's in my head that he's comparing everything I do to what his exes did or what some other guy's wife does. There are times when I'm doing dishes or laundry and I just sit down in the floor and cry because I'm so beside myself about what to do. I feel like I'm crazy. Like I need those people in white coats to come take me away.
I'm thinking about going to see a therapist. Why, yes, I would love to pay you to tell me what I already know. In my mind it's like paying for a stranger to tell you what to do. (For anyone reading this that is already going to therapy, this is not a stab at that so take no offense to it. This is just how my mind works. I've been to therapy before and this has been my experience.) I think one day I'm going to ride the bus. All day. And ask random people what I should do. It'd be a neat experiment.
I was reading something today that caught my attention. It was asking if you truly loved your spouse or if it was conditional. I was on the fence. I've saved him in my dreams so many times, but there was one time when I stepped back and let someone shoot him. I had no remorse. My facial expression was practically that of one you see on a doll: void of any emotion. I fear I am the hero in my dreams because he makes me feel so worthless sometimes. No, maybe I didn't have any worth because I wasn't the one who killed him, but I was free. Free from taunting, free from the silent thoughts he uses for hate, free from the soulless glaring eyes, free from being owned. I do feel like a slave trapped in a marriage. Dishes. Laundry. Clean. Get the baby ready. Potty training. Make food. Keep the food stocked. Doctor appointments. "Will you get me a new toothpaste? I don't like the way this one tastes." "Why are there toys on the floor?" "Did you wash my shirt today?" "What's for dinner?" "Did you wash my coffee cup?" And then of course I have school and work too (both full time).
Now I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not by any means. But he's playing out like he does more work than I do. So he goes to work. And he has school. But when he gets home at 5 pm, it's I get handed a coffee cup and a what's for dinner. He sits down for tv or internet fun, maybe he'll play with the baby. But he's apparently more stressed than I am. I'm thinking our problem is that we both want to be the alpha dog in the house. It's not that I want to be appreciated for everything I do. You know he's only gotten me flowers just because twice maybe three times. It's been almost 4 years! After fights, when he knows he's wrong, he'll bring home peanut m&m's because I have some strange, unnatural love for them. Sometimes I wish he would change it up. Maybe do some FunDip! Even so, deep down I know it's just because he's feeling guilty. I've started comparing it to being on a ship in a storm, waiting for the next wave to come crashing down, wondering if this is the one that's going to topple the ship.
But, I'm sleepy, so for the pre-start of my war efforts, I'm going to cuddle and I'm going to be the big spoon! Maybe he'll actually kiss me goodbye in the morning...we'll see. |
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