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all.is.vanity's Diary
by all.is.vanity

previous entry: i'll be watching over you.

next entry: I've never...

hurt.

05/31/2009

I'm not sure when I let these walls come crumbling down.

I used to be so cynical of men. I miss you, I'm thinking of you, I love you... lines, all of them. I could never believe a man, never trust one. I felt like everything they said was just a lie to get me into bed. I hardened, I pushed them away - I'd rather they were just honest about it. That's why I lost my virginity in a club bathroom, and don't regret it at all - it was on my terms, it was honest, it was real. It wasn't some fairytale romance, it wasn't fireworks and earth-moving, it was just what it is. And that was all I wanted. We're horrible, men. Just so you know. Not all of us, of course, but I'd advice caution and cynicism.

I was assaulted once. Spiked drink, dragged up an alleyway, forced to give a blowjob that made me cry and vomit and push and bite - and I have a scar on the back of my head from being bashed against the wall when I tried to stop. He gave me a painful handjob while I slurred 'stop, stop, stop' to deaf ears. It was Rich who held me the next day, looking over the bruising and swollen lips and blood stained clothes, and asked me 'who did this to you?' over and over until I cried and told him to stop yelling, and he stopped, held me until I literally fainted with the stress and shock.

If I'd been cynical before, I was phobic now. I still am, sometimes. I can't go to gay bars, I panic because someone will touch my arm, and I'll yell 'get your fucking hands off me!' at some innocent guy just trying to be nice to me. I was on the bus the other day, I hate the bus, it was so crowded because of a football match, and I was sitting down, there was a man standing, getting shoved toward me because of the crowding, his crotch right in my face, and I couldn't breathe - I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth and tried not to faint. And I know, of course it isn't healthy, and I know that he wasn't going to do anything to me, it was just the memory, the feeling of complete helplessness, weak and useless.

And so, I don't know why Rich's lines work on me. Perhaps because that trust is already there, has been there for nearly a decade. I wasn't scared, I'm never scared of him, I don't feel sick and anxious... I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. Perhaps it makes it harder to say no - the feeling that... I have nothing to fear.

But tonight was different - I wasn't scared, I was just... sad. Empty, almost. I started crying, and I asked him to stop - the word catching in my throat - it made me feel safe to think that stop would mean stop to him, but suddenly putting it to the test was terrifying - what if he failed me? But he didn't fail me. He stopped, eyes wide and concerned, urgency in his tone as he asked me what was wrong, why was I crying. 'Everything, just everything.' Strange for him to be comforting me for a change. 'I can't keep going like this. You don't love me, you'll never love me.' I tried to move, to just walk away, and he wouldn't let me. I don't really know what he said, it was like white noise behind my hysterics. 'I never wanted to hurt you' stood out. 'Don't fucking touch me!' I screeched, just like a he was another stranger, and he held his hands up, waited for me to calm down before slowly reaching out to me again, slowly like taking a gun from a madman.

He just kept apologising, I'm not sure he even knew what for anymore. "I never wanted you to feel that way." I know you didn't, love, but I do. I just want my best friend back again. I'm mourning the death of someone who is still right here, and I don't think he can even see the problem.

But once he could see how badly I was reacting, I saw hints of my former friend in his questioning. "Why are you crying? What's wrong? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you like this...." It's just that last time, he wasn't the one doing the hurting.

previous entry: i'll be watching over you.

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<3♥Lacy

[ღMonsoon|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: I do not lead people on or use them. I am always upfront about everything. If I want to be friends, I say so. If I want to be friends with benefits, I say so. If I want to be more, then I say so. I don't make people think that I like them if I really don't like them. I am not that kind of person. Not to be a bitch, but just so you know... I understand where you're coming from - how could you know that about me? You just met me. *shrugs*

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: I understand how it read to you, and that's a fair thing to think when reading that. I'm saying to you now that if I did make a play for them and only wanted to sleep with them or be friends, then I would tell them. I would not go make a play for them and then lead them to believe that I wanted more than I would want - either friendship or sex or whatever I happened to want from them. Right now, I'm just getting to know them and hanging out with them. To see if I can do it and have fun doing it is for my own ego boost, I suppose you could say. It's not to "play a game" with them. Its a game for myself. Guys don't care. They like sex with pretty girls. What I meant is that right now I don't want any kind of "relationship" with them, but I like being friends with them - and if I like them more as I get to know them, and am attracted to them, then I might sleep with them. I guess you'd have to understand what I meant. But it was a reasonable assumption on your part simply from reading that one passage. My bad.

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

I am sorry that you had such a difficult evening. Looking on one hand, though, perhaps it was good that he knows how you feel. It's so hard sometimes when we hold things inside for so long, then we blow up because it's just too much for us to handle. I hope that this is one step in the right direction towards healing your relationship with him, though.

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

r/c: Thank you.

Kya

-No Day But Today- Rent-No Day But Today- Rent

[Kyabett|0 likes] [|reply]

r/c: It's what I keep telling myself. One day I'll get out of this house, or she and her boyfriend will move out, but until then we just have to get along. It won't be forever.

Thank you for reminding me.

Kya-No Day But Today- Rent

[Kyabett|0 likes] [|reply]

you must not be at the computer so i'm gonna leave you a comment. OMG THEY PREMIERED THE NEW MOON TRAILER AT THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS AND IT'S AMAZING. end of story. lol, if you wanna watch it you can go to bloopdiary.com/theydidwhat i posted it there! off to bed now talk soon x x x x x♥Lacy

[ღMonsoon|0 likes] [|reply]

my sensible approach worked.

[lady burtStar|0 likes] [|reply]

This was my first time, Ive bungee jumped, rapelled, rock climbed.. But this was a first, I cant wait to do it again lol

[Nachos&CakeStar|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Yes skydiving is by far the Best! Here you have to have 7 tandem jumps before you can go solo, so I think Ill confident by then lol

[Nachos&CakeStar|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Yeah here you have to do this course and then 7 tandem jumps.. Then you do a solo to get your lisence and you can do solos from then on.. ALso its so long between jumps you do a little refresher class too. I like it that way, makes for less error..
Howd you break your wrist?

[Nachos&CakeStar|0 likes] [|reply]

I feel you so much! I've been through experiences like yours before too and it changes your life and how you see people. My best friend has always wanted more but I have always been afraid to know that he will do to me what all the others have. I commend you for letting down your walls because that is the hardest thing sometimes.

[serendipity|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: My wrists are fucked lol so I probably would still be to nervous to try again... But I think if you eased back into it, like tandem, youd probably be less nervous.. I honestly think Tony started it after dustin died as a way to join him I guess. Like if he died, itd be "accidental" so no one could be mad at him.. but he could be with his brother. Now I think its just a release for him. I did cuz i wanted to for sooo long and It was kinda a tribute type thing to dustin.. Now I wanna go again so bad lol

[Nachos&CakeStar|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: How much is a jump there?
Well at least the time will allow you to save while you heal!

Yeah, Im pretty sure thats what I was. Im just glad hes better now. We all took it hard when dustin died, but tony and him were super close.

[Nachos&CakeStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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