don't want to be alone. | 03/01/2009 |
I was going to write this morning then realised I wouldn't have had much to say, so I decided to wait until later on. It's a good job really because the last hour has been enough for it's own entry alone. lol. So I'll start with that so I can get it all out while it's still fresh, and it's not to do with Grant - for a change.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to be going to a new store opening in Bury St Edmunds. My supervisor from work, Polly, was driving us down there and we were staying a few nights. I'm the team leader for the footwear department so it's important that I go tomorrow for a meeting at 4pm. Polly can no longer drive me down there, she's had a family bereavement and isn't even in the county! So now I'm a bit screwed because she was the one who knew all the details of where to go, when to be there and what the hotel is called. She didn't pass on any of this information as she could only steal a few minutes on Facebook because she's with her family. I understand that these things happen but I don't know why she had to be the one to tell me this, if anyone should have let me know there was a change of plans it should be out store manager Sue! I don't even know what time to start work tomorrow or if I should take my bags, should I drive or not! Gah! I'm so scared of going as it is because I've never been team leader before and now, as far as I know, I'm going to Bury tomorrow on my own to somewhere I don't know and staying in a hotel I don't know the name of! I'm actually furious and want to tell them to stuff their team leader role, I want to work in my own store and on my own department for a change. I've still got to have a shower and pack a bag tonight and it's almost 9pm - if I'm up early for work I need to go to bed soon.
Now I've got that out of my system I can move on to other stuff, more Grant-type stuff.
I've not heard from Grant since Wednesday night. It's now Sunday. I don't know what went wrong or why he's not messaged me back. Perhaps he lost his Facebook password in the same place as his phone......lol. I know I did the whole phoning his phone of Thursday night which was a really bad idea and might be the reason he's not contacted me, but then again it might not be because he told me he'd lost his phone! Gah! lol. I'm so confused. I did message him in a semi-drunken state on Friday night, I had to say something because I couldn't help myself and I can't bare the thought of never hearing from him again. So I sent him this:
"My Dirty Dancing night was good, just got home. My friends got me very drunk because I've been miserable for the past few days. A drunken Chezza is not a good look! Why am I messaging you this late? Why are you always on my mind? You still have me hypnotised Mr Kenny! I wish you had a phone and that I could talk to you more. Gah! I'm such a weirdo! xoxo."
Yeah, so I thought that would get some response on Saturday. But doing my research I found that there were some rugby games on Friday and Saturday which I know he would never miss and end up drinking into the early hours. Also today there was the Carling Cup final and his team Manchester United were playing and they won, so he'll have been busy watching that and no doubt drinking. So, there are many justified reasons for his Facebook absence over the weekend. I just need to give him some more time I suppose. I even watched some of the rugby yesterday, I watch a lot of rugby and football now because I know he'll be watching it as well. Does that make me weird? I suppose there are many things I've done over the past four weeks to make me a weirdo! I did message Grant again this morning saying this:
"Holy crap! The shame! I had no idea I'd sent that.
Hmmmm, no wonder I've not heard from you in a while! xoxo."
I knew I'd sent it. I spelled everything correctly and I was quite drunk. I was careful about what I said and picked everything on purpose. It was a perfect message, I think and all behind the guise that I was a little bit drunk.
I have tried to keep myself busy and away from the computer all weekend while I've been with James. I don't want him to get any more concerned than I think he already is. He's even been asking about my Bloop. Now I don't think anything major has occurred, such as Ryan's recent relationship hiccup, but I'm not leaving myself logged in anymore and I'm changing my password to something more random he won't know. lol. I cannot risk anything at all! I leave my Bloop logged in, and my Facebook is always logged in as well - maybe that's something I need to stop doing and be a bit more careful. I need to be sneaky and that just means I definitely am doing something very wrong. But then again, if Grant isn't speaking to me and it's all one sided.....I dunno! lol.
So, I wanted to be away from the computer as much as possible because I didn't want to sit on Facebook refreshing the screen every few minutes to see if he'd messaged me. I even set up Facebook Mobile so I'll get text message notifications of certain events! Even though I've not had a text message about getting a message I've still been refreshing and checking my profile! I'm a loser! I really cannot help myself. I tried so hard to not think about Grant, but the more I try the more I end up thinking of him!
I found myself looking at other men while I was out with James in the city, during the day while shopping and at night when we went for a Chinese meal. If I'd have been out with friends and drunk then I'd have been really flirty, it's just how I've felt lately. I just wonder if I could attract someone else, I think it's important to know that you still can especially when you've been with someone for so long. I think that's what Grant represents more than anything, I don't want a relationship with him, there's just something I need to learn from him about myself.
Perhaps I should just come clean to Grant about my relationship with James and be completely honest about the way I feel when I'm with James and how Grant makes me feel. Grant makes me feel unafraid, like I have no fear and that anything is possible. With James I feel like there's something missing, like there is something else out there for me and I'm lost.
I really should get on and shower and pack my bag for tomorrow. But I can't tear myself away from Facebook in case Grant messages me......he won't, but what if? lol. I think I'm going to have to load my phone and mp3 player with plenty of music in case it's a very lonely few days and nights in Bury. If Grant would message me then it wouldn't be so lonely. I don't want to be alone. |

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