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Non iam
by wugs

previous entry: I'm a Hitchhiker in Space

next entry: Beach? Not really...

Telling Me Something

08/14/2009

begin.

Are dreams supposed to show you want you want, what you should do but don't want to, and give you a glimpse of what something would be like? Because mine did last night.

In my dream, I came out.

I consider this a big deal because I very seldomly remember any part of any dream, and this is the only one I've remembered in living memory that made logical sense.

I wish I could write down all the details, but I have a muddled mind in the morning, so I just didn't log it anywhere. I just basically remember Mom and Dad being very surprised and my sister having a look of "I knew it all along" on her face. Then Mom said something about how it could be fixed and something else about ex-gay ministries. Lastly, I remember a pang of horror followed by an extreme feeling of determination to convince my mom that it wasn't a choice and that I'd never go to one of those hellish ex-gay minstry places. What tortures me is that I know there's a lot more to the dream.

For some reason I wouldn't consider it a nightmare. It was just very bittersweet. Which is cool, I guess.

Still, at this point, I don't see it as beneficial. Sure, I feel like shit all day long, and yeah I want a good relationship that doesn't reflect the "gays only want sex" stereotype I've seen all over recently. But, my sexuality isn't really anyone's business. No one I know is my type of gay guy. (They're all overly feminine like they have a megagay quota to fill!)

Oh. Yeah. I'm pissed about something. I recently heard that the legendary "gay agenda" confused some young straight males. OH REALLY? How about not knowing when calling a guy cute in your own fucking diary is creepy? I don't feel like I deserve some things because of the shit I hear. Sometimes I really hate who I am because of that shit. God. Those young straight boys do not have a fucking clue what confusion is! Being told your whole life that you'll marry a girl one day but finding yourself staring at the boys in gym is confusion. Jesus Christ. I have a shitload to type, but I hate my iPod's keyboard. Gahhhh.

end.

lithium layouts.

previous entry: I'm a Hitchhiker in Space

next entry: Beach? Not really...

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All right, well dreams DO usually mean stuff... not necessarily telling you what's going to happen, but telling you things that you're worry about... obviously you keep thinking about coming out and that's why you had a dream about it - the ex-gay thing is obviously a big fear.
God, now I sound like freud or something ridiculous. Yeah.

[Aubrey;|0 likes] [|reply]

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