Christmas Tree Secrets

The other day I went to target and spent way too much money, but I figured hey, what the hell... its Christmas. I got a tree and all the fixings, and I got these air fresheners that go off by themselves. My best friend had one and I always thought it was sort of silly. After moving into my own place though living with a baby boy and a mechanic, air freshener and I became closer than ever. They were on sale, so I got 3. And you know what? I spent almost every penny I had. I didn't even think about it. I was just happy to finally have bought these stupid air fresheners and a Christmas tree.

Thinking about it now, Eric moves out in 3 weeks. I guess I feel like even though in my head and in my heart really I know we'll never work this out, that after almost 3yrs this really is the end of the road for us... It still feels impossible that in 3 weeks, we'll be separated, living two separate, peaceful lives instead of one fucked up, dysfunctionally functional one. I wonder what its going to feel like waking up and not seeing Eric, or not knowing that Eric is going to be home at some point because he went to work early, because there isn't an us anymore. I wonder what it's going to feel like when I have something funny I want to share with someone, or maybe my son did something irritating, and I can't just turn around and tell him.. and I can't call and tell him either, because we aren't friends, and calling him wouldn't make me feel better about it.

But you know what? I grew up in a really fucked up family. I've never really celebrated any holidays... I've spent most thanksgivings in my room by myself, most Christmases I've spent sleeping the day away and asking other people how they've spent theirs. My birthdays were just any other day to everyone who matters. And the point of all of this is.... even though I have no money, and even though I have to figure out how to come up with the rent, looking at my air fresheners and my Christmas tree really makes me feel better. Maybe to you, that sounds silly... but its like that infamous saying: there are many like it, but this one is mine. Its bittersweet because it was intended to be ours, but its humbling because it isn't. It's mine, and its beautiful, and it's what I wanted. But most of all, its mine.