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Feel Free to Add Your Two Cents
Tonight I'm pondering the difference between self sabotage and gut feeling. It really sucks that life is full of catch-22s like that. I think sometimes people use cliches to make themselves feel better... these two specifically. People always tell other people to follow their heart, do what they feel is best, not to second guess themselves. At the same time, if what we choose to do is negative... for example, picking a fight or breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend or something like that... we're self sabotaging. I don't really understand the difference. If we get a gut feeling that something seemingly good isn't really that good for us, do we follow our heart and let it go and let that be okay or would that be us messing up something with a great potential? Or does it just depend on the end result? As in.. use whatever cliche works best for your given scenario.
I know a lot of this doesn't make sense. I wish I could make sense of my brain at the moment.
I'm feeling insecure I guess. I'm back to feeling that maybe I'm not good enough for Marc.
I was talking to my bestie, and we were discussing the past and present, good and bad. We were talking about how with our exes, things just came so easy. We were talking about how nice it would be to go back to that just to be ourselves again for a little while. For better or for worse, while I was never okay with my postpartum body, I have never been as ashamed of myself as I am now. I can't help but wonder if Marc is ashamed of me too.
I know this is silly, and this is just my brain wandering places where it shouldn't go, but he has this "friend" who he says is not here right now. He talks to her via text message in a way that I think is inappropriate if you know what I mean, but I asked him about it and he said that she was his friend, and then he said she is a lesbian. He was also drunk, so who knows. Now, Marc never added me as his facebook friend or changed his status from single to in a relationship. That really doesn't bother me that much, I'm really not that type of girl, but I think the chick that he talks to like that- his friend, I think she's his friend on facebook and I think I saw her. Might be a different girl, I might be confused. But if I'm not, and regardless, she's beautiful. She's far better than I am. I can't help but wonder if when she gets back from wherever she is, if I'm going to be garbage next to her in his eyes. Maybe he won't be over here every day anymore because he'd rather be with her. And really, I'm not that hard-pressed on Marc. We haven't been dating for that long. Don't get me wrong, I do care for the guy... but I just hate the feeling of not knowing. If you've read my past entries then you know that not knowing drives me absolutely insane. Like... bad shit insane. Lizzie Bordon style.  And I also hate feeling like I'm a secret, and in a way I do feel that way.
None of that is really relevant, and its all most likely just stuff that my brain conjured up in an act of self sabotage. Sometimes, and my bestie can understand because she does it too, sometimes I get stuck on something and then run with it to the point that it doesn't even make sense, but somehow I believe it. Have you ever played the game, In A Pickle? The whole point of it is to build a series of objects that could be inside one another. Example: House > Kitchen > Sink > Cup > Ice Cube. That is pretty much how my brain works... I get stuck on the house, and I think about it and think about it until I reach ice cube and then my brain explodes with nonsense. Marc tells me he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be. He takes care of me physically and when he's able, financially. He wouldn't go through so much effort and work just to leave me in the dust later, right? Maybe I jump to these conclusions because Eric, who I was with for three years, just up and left me when the going got tough as if we haven't been together for so long. He went from wanting to marry me and adopt my son to jumping state lines in order to get away from my son and I. Maybe I'm just afraid of being burned again.
I don't know. None of that matters. I just want to know what the difference between self-help and self-sabotage is. If I follow my heart on this, is it because I'm doing what I feel is best or is it because I'm self-consciously punishing myself? Is giving up a potentially great thing worth protecting what little dignity I have left, or am I really supposed to cross my fingers and hope for the best and just not worry about it? Perhaps I'm just so insecure after all that's happened that I really shouldn't be dating anyone right now.
Perhaps its 10:39 and I'm exhausted.
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