I pray every single day that there is someone or something out there that can bring me back to my son. Telling me to just accept things as they are right now reminds me alot of the Eckhart Tolle books that I have read and in theory,. and when things are not going incredibly wrong, you have the time to try to adapt to living IN THE NOW, okay I get the concept, I have practiced it years ago. But when you are hanging by the silky threads of the threads, and time has no meaning, the hours and days and minutes all blur together like so much murky unwet water, and every nanosecond without them hurts? Its not exactly practical advice because the best that you could aheieve is to be faking it, and what is the point to that? Fake it till you make it is a rancid piece of bullshit. It just makes you a liar, and trying to rewire your brain by lying is not the way to go. I am saying all of this because I AM WALKING OUT A LIVING DEATH AND TELLING ME TO BE POSITIVE OR FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT OR FORGET MY SON IS UTTER NONSENSICAL IDIOCY.
Lunacy if you want the truth of it. The point of this is to UNLEARN all the programming that we were taught by this world. and frankly that involves TRUTH IN THE INNER SECRET PLACES OF YOUR HEART MIND SOUL BODY AND ITS LIKE EXPOSING YOUR VAGINA TO GOD. How real is that, eh? UNLEARNING this world means their stupid cliches and self help books and tv programs etc. It is getting on your face on the floor or the sand of the beach in my case, and telling God I GIVE UP EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE EVER LEARNED FROM THIS WORLD IN THIS WORLD AND I LAY IT ALL BEFORE YOU, EVERY SINGLE BELIEF, ITS YOURS NOW. TEACH ME THE TRUTH. The very first thing that you will feel after the panic and doubt etc is one single thing. LOVE. SIGH. That is what is real. Nothing else. Sometimes love means letting go of things and people and ideals and ideas that we have been taught. Give Him your failures so He can give you the answers and therefore the victories.
I just want my son. I just want to go home. I want to be at HOME. So telling me to accept a living death isnt the way to go. I need this or Idk what will happen eventually. How many times and for how long can a heart be shattered and beaten up and torn and broken before it just gives up? I have already had 2 heart attacks in my 20's for petes sake and a mini stroke. I gotta go. I am at work but I havent been able to say things that I needed to in a while and I found a way.
Huggles love and TRUE light to all of you. I love all of you more than you will ever know. <3
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