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Shadows Of Fantasia........
by I Fear Who I Am Beco

previous entry: I'm Back.

next entry: My Life..

It Wont Ever Stop..My Crazy Angel..

02/10/2009

I have had a horrible past 2 years. Well, almost..

I knew this girl Svetlana for 4 years, and, I finally got back together with her in November 2007.

I have done some bad things to her, like making her think that i wanted her to leave so that she'd cry and beg me to stay with her. i needed the reassurance.

but she has done oh so very much more to me than that.

neglected me when i needed her the most.

going out all of the fucking time with her exgirlfriends and scumbag males who only want to fuck her stupid.

btw she forced me to meet her ex on the street in the middle of the fucking night.

i cant do this anymore.

I loved her and still do with all of my being.

But, she has betrayed me.

I FUCKING HITCHHIKED MY ASS THE WHOLE WAY TO CALIFORNIA TO SEE HER.

And, what does she do? Get drunk a million times and hit me.

I don't get it.

She loved me.

And, now that I'm back..She won't have any of it. She simply refuses to talk to me for absoloutley no reason.

And, I told her that I knew that she was gonna break my heart.

And, she promised.

After Casey, I promised myself that I'd never let this happen again.

And, now it's ripping my insides out.

I need to write..So much, but if I do, I'll never stop, and, any poor soul that ventures round my way will be completely dumbfounded and stupified and bored and shit. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad. I can't take it anymore.

I just can't take it anymore.

She's hurt me so bad and she doesnt even seem to care.

She's so cold.

And, she tells me never to talk to her again.

BUT WHY?

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO HER BUT LOVE HER.

I miss her so much. We did have amazing awesome times together before i met her in person and even when I was there with her.

I ended up checking myself into the psych ward because of her.

She doesn't know that that is why. But it is.

I wanted to die.

I still want to die.

And, the last night..

She invited this guy that we had met in a bar over to have a threesome. Didn't even ask me if it was okay or not.

And, then i had to pee so i kicked them out of the bathroom, and, we were in this office building or something that was like..open sky above you but a labyrinth of mazelike vines and metal doors and shit where the offices were..i hid there alot..with her and withought her.

but anyways when i was done i couldnt find her or him and i assumed that they were fucking or something.

and i went down the stairs and by that time she had come back to the bathroom and was looking for me, and, when she couldn't find me, she started screaming my name over and over looking for me, and, what did I do?

I hid behind a fucking pole.

She ran down the street.

Found me. Hit me.

I went back with her and to make a very long, complicated story short she beat the shit out of me.

she tried to kill herself again that night.

me and the guy looked everywhere for her.

she got kicked out of a bar because she was underage so me and this older guy went out with her.

well me and the young dude went in there looking for her and i asked the bartended if she had seen her and she was like 'OHHHH DID YOU LOSE YOUR UNDERAGE FRIEND???? WELL SHES SMALL BUT SHE LOOKS REALLY RESOURSEFUL SO I AM SURE THAT SHE WILL BE OKAYYY'

And before that she left me standing in the middle of the street while she took off with this man that i hate. she knows that i hate them and yet she did that right in front of my face.

OH SO VERY MUCH MORE HAS HAPPENED AND DID HAPPEN WHILST THERE AND OTHERWISE BUT RIGHT NOW I DONT AND CANT FIND OR HAVE THE EMOTIONAL ENDURACE TO SPEAK OF IT.

i cant stand this pain anymore.

oh god i dont know what to do.

previous entry: I'm Back.

next entry: My Life..

0 likes, 16 comments

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i love you too

[Rosie|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Lol I was having a terrible day anyways, that just made it like 1000000000x's better.

[Kayra♥Star|0 likes] [|reply]

Ryc: Thank You, How about yourself? How are you doing?

[Kayra♥Star|0 likes] [|reply]

how can i get layouts

[Rosie|0 likes] [|reply]

Yeah I've had a series of diaries and they all got deleted. LOL
So I know where your coming from that pissed me off too I had all my poetry and what not on it. >.>

[Kayra♥Star|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: Been better, but I've been worse. Thanks for asking.

Sounds like things aren't going so hot for you right now. I don't know you or your situation so I don't really have much in the advice deptartment with your friend, but at some point you just got to let it all go and try living for yourself.

You need to be able to love yourself before you can have any kind of sucessful relationship with annother person. Find the you who you love and embrace her. After you find your love for your self and your life, only then should you care about if other people love you - and with that kind of confidence, they will - and if not, fuck them. You are your greatest value and greatest virtue in this life: don't ever feel the need to put someone else's saftey or happyness before your own, no one deserves to be happy more than you; anyone who tells you differently is trying to take something from you they have no right to.

[I, Defiant Verses|0 likes] [|reply]

D: That sounds so messy. I really hope you can find a better and safer place than with her.
Sometimes, love can't conquer all. You have to do what's best for yourself.

ryc:: Well, I'm the passenger, so I'm not really multi tasking, aside from giving directions while messing on a bunch of sites.

[l'etoileStar|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC;;
Yes, I'm fine! It wasn't storming all that bad, but it was very windy. =)

[cherrydarling|0 likes] [|reply]

you can steal it .I'm good though how are you? and who are you also you seem chill!

[xsweetkisezxx|0 likes] [|reply]

Ryc; I prefer vodka too but we had rum around so it worked lol.
I'm fine, how are you?

[*I*Am*Me*Star|0 likes] [|reply]

Okay cool.i added u

[xsweetkisezxx|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: i do things i know i shouldn't do, all the time.
i have no willpower. i want to know whyyyy because i am unhappy.

your relationship sounds messy...you said she wasn't there for you when you needed it...i always find thats the best time to cut them loose

[honkey|0 likes] [|reply]

yeah, i get what you mean. but you gotta do whats best for you, love

[honkey|0 likes] [|reply]

im so sorry you've gone thru all of this- you deserve so much better.

[StaRRyEyDSupRizStar|0 likes] [|reply]

oh i understand, i do. it's hard. really hard.

also the pain will go away with a lot of time and perseverance. i believe in you and i know you can do it.

[StaRRyEyDSupRizStar|0 likes] [|reply]

it seems like she's not in a very stable place in life. maybe you need to love her from a distance until she gets to a better place? i know it's hard but if you really believe she's the one, then sometimes you just have to have faith and hold onto that thru the storms of a relationship.

[♥ HollieStar|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: I'm Back.

next entry: My Life..

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