Figuring things out

06/27/2012

I'm wondering if I am a polyamorous person. Or if I just deeply want to be with a woman. Or maybe I'm just a flirt. Agh. These things are complicated.

I've talked to my husband about it. He is open and in theory alright with me having a relationship outside of our marriage, as long as it is not with a man. He wants to be the only man in my life that I have a romantic or physically intimate relationship with. To which I completely understand and agree with. I don't feel that I have a desire to be with any other men - just a pull to be with a woman.

Part of me would love to have a girl on the side[kinda?] that I can hang out with and be physically intimate with - without the emotional strings. The other part of me wants the emotional strings too. I think this will take more thought to consider - and possibly I wont know until I get started?

I've only ever had one girlfriend. We weren't even technically dating - it was an arrangement we both walked into - I wanted there to be no emotional strings attached, just sex. I wanted to know if I was truly bisexual or if it was just a desire, a fantasy, or a curiosity to be with a woman. We had so many great nights. I was so incredibly comfortable with her. She truly made me feel wanted, deeply desired. However, she got very emotionally attached. I had to break things off because I didn't want to hurt her when I knew I didn't feel the same way. After a while we became close again and we talk very often now. She has moved on and has a new girlfriend.

And actually she isn't the proper pro noun anymore - as she.. err, he.. has decided[realized?] that he is a/should be a he rather than a she. Nothing physical has happened yet, but out of respect my once girlfriend is now my guy friend It gets a little confusing - I'm having a hard time with the pronouns switch just out of habit.

Anyhow, I kind of forget where the rest of this was going othr than I'm confused on what I want and what is acceptable and need to put more thought through it. I'm also very grateful for an understanding husband. When we talked about ti before his sentiment to me was that he married me knowing I was bisexual - knowing that I might need that connection with a woman, now, later, or always, and that he is okay with it. ♥ Thank God and goodness.